tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76864205082458434692024-03-05T22:02:42.413-05:00Poor Man's CaviarMaking sense of the nonsensicalJeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-6843694094954087792009-07-09T10:35:00.009-04:002009-07-10T21:49:23.631-04:00Los Turistas<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlexiYUPZKI/AAAAAAAAAHw/sFxOjRDTREg/s1600-h/MK003-006.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 319px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlexiYUPZKI/AAAAAAAAAHw/sFxOjRDTREg/s320/MK003-006.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356945485981508770" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';"><div style="border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-color: initial; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 3px; padding-right: 3px; padding-bottom: 3px; padding-left: 3px; width: auto; font: normal normal normal 100%/normal Georgia, serif; text-align: left; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:13px;"><div class="kk" style="margin-bottom: 0.2em; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:13px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><div style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Everyone loves traveling (for leisure). But no one wants to be "that tourist" - you know: annoying, stands out, and inadvertently acts like a droopy asshole. The fact of the matter is, most people do. And the first mistake? Breaking out the fanny pack. Here is a list of annoying and nonsensical things tourists do:</span></span></span></div><div style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-weight: normal; font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlfrVaYjMuI/AAAAAAAAAH4/dyajOARIpPc/s1600-h/photo.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlfrVaYjMuI/AAAAAAAAAH4/dyajOARIpPc/s320/photo.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5357009034872566498" style="cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Stopping in the middle of a busy street -</span></span></b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> One of my biggest peeves is walking down the street, especially in NYC, and tourists (even NYCers for that matter) just stop for no good reason. They might stop to get something out of their bag, take a picture, or check their phone, and literally expect no one to be behind them - like they're standing in their driveway in Nowhere, Delaware. Sometimes I wish I wear a shirt with knives in the front, so if some dumbass stops right in front of me, they get what's coming to them -- a gutting. Sadistic? Yes.</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Appropriate? More so. This type of shit is even worse when tourists just stop in front of the stairs for the subway staring at an NYC map. That seriously makes me want to crescent kick them in the spine and then enjoy watching them clumsily tumble down the stairs.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Making right turns from the far left lane because they're idiots - </span></span></b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">When they're not tourists, meaning they're back home (for you slow ones), they (should) drive like normal human beings. But for some reason, when they are out of their element, all of a sudden they become a 15 year old with a permit behind the wheel and drive like complete assholes. I've seen drivers try and cut across the street from the left turn lane to make a right turn because they fucked up. C'mon! Also is the other extreme when tourists or even dipshit drivers for that matter are too afraid to turn left on a yield on green.</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Eating like a fucking infant -</span></span></b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I love food; and food loves me. I can't stand it when tourists from all over go to visit big cities with wonderful cuisine and CHOOSE to eat at the Olive Garden or the ONE FUCKING APPLEBEES in NYC. Are you serious?! You have the ability to eat food prepared by world renowned chefs, but instead you want to order from a menu with goddamn pictures. Man, that pisses me off. Matter of fact, I’m so hot and bothered about it; I’m going to need to re-wipe my ass...</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Taking their sweet ass time</span></span></b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> - Dear Tourists who come to big cities like NYC and Chicago and think they can go to a Starbucks in a highly-trafficked business area at peak times and stand there and order double frappachino mocha lattés for their wife and kids and take 10 min picking out pastry,</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">No one here likes you and we all want to watch your entire family, including your child with downs syndrome, get hacked to pieces for inconveniencing our day. </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">All Our Love,</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Big City Dickheads</span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></b></p><p style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-left: 0in; "><span><b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-weight: normal; font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://richland.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/bad-tourist.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://richland.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/bad-tourist.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 181px; height: 337px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Taking stupid pictures </span></span></b><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">- I don't know why this bothers me, but it really irks me when I see a tourist taking a picture of their family or whatever and just by looking at how they're taking the picture, you know its going to look horrible. Because lets be honest, no one even looks at pictures of just objects and your family is fucking ugly, so save the rest of us from the grief of dealing with you. The worst is when your family is on one side of the street, standing in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral or something and you're on the other side of the street taking the picture so that you can get whatever fuckin' monument you are trying to capture in the background. Do you really think it makes sense for your family or spouse or whatever to even bother smiling?! They're going to look like tiny turds in the picture when you are standing 50 fucking feet away taking a picture with your Canon point and shoot.</span></span></span></p></span></span></span></div></span></div></span>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-78397063846490516552009-07-07T20:02:00.007-04:002009-07-07T20:49:22.500-04:00Fake Celebrity News<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlPsnlR_fOI/AAAAAAAAAHo/Dvn79xCnW3A/s1600-h/enquirer.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 264px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SlPsnlR_fOI/AAAAAAAAAHo/Dvn79xCnW3A/s320/enquirer.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5355884546640280802" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">L</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">et</span> me first say that like many, I can be victim to the "point of sale" purchases. You know, you're at the grocery store and you are about to check out, but you end up buying a pack of gum, nail clippers and a magazine. But there is one phenomenon at the checkout aisle that is complete nonsense: fake celebrity news magazines. Now I am not a complete hater of "fake news". I think the Onion is great - shit, I even wrote a fake news story in our blog </span></span><a href="http://poormanscaviar.blogspot.com/2009/02/de-friending-leads-to-beatdown.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">de</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">friending</span> leads to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">beatdown</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. However, the purpose of these <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">publications</span> are simply comedic.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fake celebrity magazines like National Enquirer completely boggle my mind. I mean, the amount of press REAL celebrity news gets is already <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">dumbfounding</span>. It amazes me that people know more about what Jennifer <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Anniston's</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">queefs</span> smell like more than what is going on in the world. But to make fake celebrity news up that people will buy?! It really says <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">alot</span> about the type of society we live and HAVE lived in. I mean, the National Enquirer has been around for as long as I can remember. People actually buy into this crap. Its really sad to me. I apologize I couldn't make this post funnier; this is just something so nonsensical, I had to get it out there.</span></span></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-45960100214553424052009-06-30T08:52:00.004-04:002009-07-01T11:09:21.490-04:00K9 Krazies<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Skt8E_PE1VI/AAAAAAAAAHg/l4B3L0ff01I/s1600-h/bogglasses.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Skt8E_PE1VI/AAAAAAAAAHg/l4B3L0ff01I/s400/bogglasses.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5353509007195952466" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><b><br />N</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ow that I’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ve</span> been out of college a few years, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Facebook</span> is alerting me regularly, via photo albums, to three common events in people’s lives – engagements, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">STDs</span> and new dog ownership. Though people’s romantic relationships are often ripe for mockery, the relationship of dogs and their owners is far more ridiculous. Below I examine and ridicule some of the more popular “types” of dog owners. </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>The Upper East Side Owner (Male)–</b> As a lifelong Upper East side resident, I'm confident in my assertion that those who reside in this neighborhood are hands down the most <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">batshit</span>, crazy dog owners on the planet. The male <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">UESO</span>’s are 100 percent the least respectable samples of dog owning men that NY has to offer. The male <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">UESO</span> shamelessly<br />walk the toy poodles, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Pomeranians</span>, or other <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">yappy</span> cup-sized dogs that their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">fiancés</span> made them buy. These men like to simultaneously check out women or “do business” on their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">iPhones</span> to restore some of the masculinity that has been sacrificed while picking up shits that are the size of hamster poop pellets. Newsflash: there’s no way to make<br />walking a dog that can fit in a coffee mug look masculine. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>The Upper East Side Owner (Female) </b>– The female <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">UESO</span>’s are somewhat sadder – and come in 2 varieties. There are those who apparently hate their dogs – they talk loudly on their cell phones while walking them, dragging them like unwanted offspring or old garbage. They occasionally do this while holding their child’s hand, ignoring the both of them, which makes the situation even sadder. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:13px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">There are, alternatively, the ladies who are over-the-top in love with their dogs – these are mostly wealthy ladies whose kids have gone to college, leaving the neurotic mother part of their personalities with no target for their affection/overbearing. These ladies talk to their dogs frequently and ask them questions, apparently expecting a dialogue worthy of “Inside The Actors’ Studio” to come flowing out of their dogs’ <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">yappers</span>. The aforementioned all make me sad to have been raised in the 10021.<br /><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b>The Mean Dog Owners –</b> now I get that I tend to be a little overly friendly with some dogs. I understand that people have bad days at work, PMS, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">dingleberries</span> in their taints, whatever the case may be. And for those reasons, they do not appear friendly when I (or any other person) try to approach their dogs. But there are some owners who are just plain assholes and I can’t for the life of me understand why a huge <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">dickwad</span> would even have a dog, let alone one that is so cute that it naturally invites attention and doting. If you live in NYC and have a ridiculously cute dog , what would you expect to happen? I am sorry but please, mean dog owner, don’t you dare make me feel badly for wanting to pet your fabulous Bernese Mountain Dog or your adorable bulldog puppy. If you don’t want to interact with people, take your poor dog and your apparently unloved genitalia, and move to Montana.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-family:Georgia;font-size:16px;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.funny-blogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/dog-dressed-up-300x275.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.funny-blogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/dog-dressed-up-300x275.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 275px; " /></span></a></span><b>The Single Woman/Infertile Dog Owners </b>– I almost feel bad including these ladies as a category of “crazies” considering that women have a natural urge to procreate and one’s inability to do so might have a damaging effect on her psyche. However, the havoc these ladies wreak on their dogs is palpable: they look so sad, peering down longingly at the ground from the confines of their owners’ Louis <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Vuitton</span> purses or from under the brim of the “golfer” hat that the owner made him wear to match her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Lacoste</span> shirt. I truly fail to believe that dressing your dog up like a little person and/or carrying him in your purse like a prize is filling the void left by lack of a baby/husband/high quality vibrator.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-family:Georgia;font-size:16px;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img2.photographersdirect.com/img/25251/wm/pd1915049.jpg"><img src="http://img2.photographersdirect.com/img/25251/wm/pd1915049.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 395px; " /></a></span><b>The Chelsea Gay Owner</b> – For the benefit of our non-New York readers, Chelsea is the area in Manhattan, on the west side below Times Square and above the West Village. It is well known for great clubs, cool restaurants, and inhabited with enough gays to make a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">homophobic's</span> head explode. The underwear <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">advertisements</span> on the side of phone booths are even fruity; they show gay couples holding each other or partaking in some sort of homosexual activity like chest rubbing or ass patting...quite uncomfortable to walk by if you're a heterosexual male, but I like it. In summary, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Chelsea</span> has an extremely gay population, as well as a number of stores that sell only tight button downs, fedoras, and shorts and somehow stay in business. My favorite dog owners in Chelsea are the femme gays who own huge, butch, fierce dogs like <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">pitbulls</span>, Rottweilers, and boxers and they walk them without a bit of irony. I love gays – don’t get me wrong – but honestly, a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">pitbull</span>?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> They must enjoy the size of these dogs...members.</span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; font-weight: normal; font-family:Georgia;font-size:16px;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos.upi.com/story/t/e008b3255fcf1ceaf07313997973c3f8/Dog-owners-more-likely-to-spread-germs.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:small;"><img src="http://photos.upi.com/story/t/e008b3255fcf1ceaf07313997973c3f8/Dog-owners-more-likely-to-spread-germs.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 375px; " /></span></a></span>The Dog Modelers - </b>These ridiculous owners spend their weekends showcasing their dog in front of a popular lunch spots or street benches. These people literally live vicariously through their dogs. They try to act all cool when people are checking out their dog(s) by gazing off into the distance, smoking cigarettes, or having a cell phone conversation with themselves, all in a attempt to cover up the fact that they feel so "part of the scene" and the center of attention. Too bad it still means going home at the end of the day, grabbing the peanut butter (reduced fat creamy) from middle cupboard, applying a dollop to a sensitive part of the body, and letting old <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">Rufus</span> go to town.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" border-collapse: collapse; font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /><br /></span></span></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-81433386947457259362009-06-16T09:27:00.008-04:002009-06-16T12:56:39.597-04:00Commentary on Iran and their Recently held Elections<div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:13px;"><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Since the inception of our blog back in February, our posts have dealt with the nonsensical of the light-hearted persuasion. While that will continue to be the case, I wanted to put up a post with a more serious tone, but consistent with the nonsensical "theme." I'd like to opine on Iran - specifically, the recently held elections. Simply put, the world has to support the citizens of Iran who are standing up to the Iranian regime. The fact that leadership in Iran has largely been left to do as it pleases is complete nonsense. The tone at the top? President Mahmoud <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ahmadinejad</span> is a Holocaust-denier and nuclear aspirant. The dangers are plain to see, but like most things, the world prefers to take reactive approaches to things - positive or negative.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The clear fact that the voting for the most recent elections have been rigged should speak volumes for the type of people in power. These are the actions of (dangerous) dictatorial governments. Mobile phone communications were interrupted in Tehran on election day and the BBC has stated that “heavy electronic jamming" was being used to halt their satellite broadcasts - violating international treaties on satellite communication. On 23 May 2009, the Iranian government temporarily blocked access to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Facebook</span> across the country. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Gulfnews</span>.com reported that this move was a response to the use of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Facebook</span> by candidates running against the incumbent <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Ahmadinejad</span>.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">A major deception that is often made with tyrannical regimes is that they are a "democracy". <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Ahmadinejad</span> has often boasted about how his country is a democracy that holds elections and gives equal rights to all people. This is obvious nonsense. A democracy doesn't exist when the people fear the government, where barber shops are closed because the stylists are providing "contemporary" haircuts, where homosexuals are hung in public. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Bloggers</span> are being jailed, tortured, and killed. If I were to be an Iranian, writing this blog, I would very likely die in jail. Can you imagine if Republicans and Democrats were killing off each others candidates and senate members and congressmen marched the streets with guns and killed each other off?</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">True democratic elections cannot be held where the people fear death if they vote for the wrong person. Shortly prior to the recent elections in Iran, it was reported that the remaining Jews in Iran were going to vote for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Ahmadinejad</span>. Surprising? The reason is because they need to flow with the consensus. If they choose opposition, this could mean persecution. Regardless, it should be noted that the true leader of Iran is the Ayatollah, and pretty much, whatever the Ayatollah says, goes. In this past election in Iran, there were other politicians that wanted to run for election, but could not because they need the blessing from the Ayatollah. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">The world, especially the US, needs to recognize and support the progressive Iranians that are standing up <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Ahmadinajad's</span> radical regime. These are the citizens that realize where Iran's leadership is taking them. Having the rest of the world just sit on her hands is just asking for defeat. People are risking their lives to draw attention to the madness - we cannot turn a blind eye. Doing nothing is nonsense.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">Other (probably better) readings:</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/25/the-real-engagement-with-iran/">http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/25/the-real-engagement-with-iran/</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123785115192919205.html">http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123785115192919205.html</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/10/can-you-hear-the-voice-of-freedom/">http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/10/can-you-hear-the-voice-of-freedom/</a></div></span></span></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-19658691693271150132009-06-11T21:34:00.006-04:002009-06-11T22:04:27.895-04:00The Whole Diet Food Thing<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://theblacksentinel.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/anorexic2pl.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 456px;" src="http://theblacksentinel.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/anorexic2pl.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">W</span></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">hen I read Adam’s post about gross foods, the only one I didn't find funny was the post about Lean Cuisine. Why? Because as a woman, eating diet foods is an unfortunate and permanent part of my life. Adam’s entry made me want to devote a post solely to lo-cal (for some reason, when it comes to food, companies change the word low to “lo” – I guess they think it makes the words look like they're on a diet), low fat, and generally diet foods that are not only ridiculous but usually tasteless, hideous, and/or generally offensive to all the senses.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SjGz8SvSKhI/AAAAAAAAAGI/g6xZ1zlBWtg/s1600-h/1166518019_c8f703ea99.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SjGz8SvSKhI/AAAAAAAAAGI/g6xZ1zlBWtg/s320/1166518019_c8f703ea99.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5346252081069173266" style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 241px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The McLean Deluxe – </span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Derrrrrrrrr, I like dis berrrrgerrr, derrrrrrr. The McLean was McDonalds’ attempt at a healthy, “low fat” burger. Considering the number of you who have heard of this, I think it’s pretty clear how well this experiment fared. The problem with McLean concept is that the folks at McDonalds had the mistaken belief that someone ordering a hamburger at their restaurant gives a shit about eating healthy. And even if their customers did care, consider this: a McDonald’s cheeseburger has 300 calories and 12grams of fat, while a McLean Deluxe had 340 calories and 12 grams of fat. Hmm… tough to figure out which one people are going to choose there. I’m sure the McDonald’s execs thought that once they got rid of the marketing team who came up with the McLean that things would all be smooth sailing – then along came the Arch Deluxe. Sigh. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img.coxnewsweb.com/B/08/59/72/image_8272598.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://img.coxnewsweb.com/B/08/59/72/image_8272598.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 190px; height: 189px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Lemon Juice/Cayenne Pepper/Maple Syrup Drink</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> – This is 100 percent the most heinous drink/diet plan/”recipe” ever to be conceived by man. For those lucky few of you who aren’t familiar with this fad, it’s basically just the three aforementioned ingredients mixed together, drunk as a replacement for meal for 3-5 days, until you achieve your desired weight or until you pass out from hunger, whichever comes first. If any of you saw the episode of The Office where they do Dunder Mifflin’s “Biggest Loser” and Kelly Kapur falls on the floor, it’s because she was on this diet. That episode provided a rather accurate description, actually; not just of the effects of this diet, but of the general retardation of any person who thinks that ridiculous fad diets like lemon juice and syrup is the way to lose real weight. Also, remember when Toby touches Pam’s knee then freaks out and jumps the fence? Yeah, that was funny. Wait, what? Sorry, I only ate grapefruit and fat free whipped cream today… what was I saying? </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia; font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.wvd.org.au/images/tofutti.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://www.wvd.org.au/images/tofutti.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 175px; height: 114px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Tofutti –</span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I hate to do this because I know that for “lactards”, Tofutti is a gift from heaven that allows them to eat versions of ice cream, cream cheese, and other white creamy deliciousness that they would otherwise never get to savor. If you are one such lactard, move to the next item, as I don’t wish to ruin the only lacto-joy that you have in your lives. Now that it’s just those of us who are able to digest cow products, let’s be honest; this shit is beyond nasty. The Toffuti-cheese is the sad, deformed, inbred offspring of cream cheese – it tastes like a sponge that’s been soaked in breast milk and put through a blender. No diet on the planet would make me want to eat this – except for maybe the lemon drink diet (see above). </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i.walmartimages.com/i/p/00/02/84/00/07/0002840007121_150X150.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://i.walmartimages.com/i/p/00/02/84/00/07/0002840007121_150X150.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 150px; " /></span></span></a><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Reduced Fat Smartfood – </span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">So as a woman, I have come to truly embrace the “lesser” versions of most foods. I’ve fully convinced both my brain and my stomach that fro-yo is as good as ice cream, that Diet Coke is far superior to regular, and that turkey comes in no other form besides 99% fat free. However, I absolutely draw the line at reduced fat Smartfood. (Sidenote – for those of you who don't know what the term Smartfood means: it’s only the most delicious, fabulous, finger-dirtying white cheddar popcorn everrr…GOSH!) Here’s an analogy to demonstrate how incredibly inferior the reduced fat version is compared to the original: Reduced Fat Smartfood : Smartfood :: Cinemax late night softcore : HD porn. There’s just no contest. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SjGz8F319II/AAAAAAAAAGA/CSTn9glpk1I/s1600-h/MyFirstSeitanRoast-798836.png"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SjGz8F319II/AAAAAAAAAGA/CSTn9glpk1I/s320/MyFirstSeitanRoast-798836.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5346252077615412354" style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 160px; " /></span></span></a><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Seitan –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> No that's not a picture of roast uncircumcised cock, its SEITAN! This product is so nasty that their selling point/tagline is: “Seitan – the Vegetarian Wheat Meat”. Wheat and Meat should have zero connection with one another aside from the fact that they rhyme. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And why would you want to name a product that sounds like a fancier way of saying “satan”.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I don’t want to eat satan, do you?</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I just can’t imagine what the demand is for a product such as this. There is tofu everything and fish burgers and stuff like that. If you’re gonna eat wheat, I’m pretty sure it should be in the form of “rolls” or “loaves” or something else that can be covered with jam. Just looking at a picture of Seitan evokes memories of the mystery meat-like ingredients at the mall’s Panda Express… and of the ensuing stomach disrupt that caused you to run from Express/Structure doubled over with pain.</span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><b>“California” Versions of Food</b> – Restaurants, particularly diners, have honed “California” as a code word for the “healthful” option. What “California” typically means is that all carbs are removed from the plate, and the protein, no matter what it is, is topped with a gigantic ice cream scoop of cottage cheese. Mmmm, appetizing. The most disgusting iteration of the “California” dish is the hamburger version – looking at it is enough to make one want to go kosher forever. The worst part is that people eat this hideous dish, thinking that they are being extremely healthy – but there are between 150 and 200 calories in a cup of cottage cheese and 120 calories in 2 slices of Kraft American cheese. I think the only thing “California” in which I'm going to partake is having an unhealthy addiction to Britney Spears – and even that is terminable if she goes back to her “over-160-pounds-I-love-cheetos- and- I'm wearing- a-shoe-as-a-hat” crazy period. </span></span></p>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-14373598194321809872009-06-03T17:22:00.013-04:002009-06-04T10:54:38.790-04:00Ewww, You're Gonna Eat That?!<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br />Many food products can be said to be completely nonsensical – especially in exotic countries. I’m sure I can list half the foods that are consumed in China, but I’m not going to go there. Rather, I am going to discuss some of the foods that are currently available at your local grocery store – or roadside theme park.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span><div style="font-family:arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><span style=";"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://www.toucandy.com/images/P/0000178400.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://www.toucandy.com/images/P/0000178400.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span><span style=";"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://www.toucandy.com/images/P/0000178400.jpg" style="text-decoration: none;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> 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mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><p style=";font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span><b><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Chicken In A Biskit – </span></span></span></b></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Yes, as the name implies, this is in fact, chicken flavored biscuits, which are made by Nabisco. Now, I cant speak for all mankind, but I personally do not want the fake flavor of chicken on a cracker. Cheese, ranch, BBQ – fine. Convenience…I like it. Food producers are basically providing a “dip” on the cracker itself in all its convenient powdery goodness. But putting the taste of chicken on a cracker? I think the Ladies Man (yeah, I’m bustin out some Ladies Man quotes) sums it up best with “…um, yeeeah, dat’s disssgussting.”</span></span></span></p> <span style=";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(128, 0, 128); text-decoration: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span><div style="font-family:arial;"><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.notmike.com/images/lean_cuisine-thumb.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 350px; height: 262px;" src="http://www.notmike.com/images/lean_cuisine-thumb.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span><span><b style=""><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Lean Cuisine (especially Lean Cuisine pizza)</span></span></span></b></span><span style="line-height: 115%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – first let me comment on lean cuisine as a whole.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The few times I’ve eaten this "trash out of my mother’s freezer when I am in to visit" – is purely out of shear starvation. I’ve noticed two main qualities of this "food": 1) Lean cuisine tastes like what regular food tastes to someone who is such a raging alcoholic, their taste buds are dead and everything tastes like, well, nothing.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">2) Lean cuisines claim of “lean”ness is simply attributable to the fact that their servings are equivalent to restaurant appetizers.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Yes, a frozen lean cuisine may be less in calories and fat than a regular meal.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But if you eat three lean cuisines, which is what it would require to put a dent in a non-anorexic person’s hunger, you’re basically at a wash.<br /><br /></span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><p style=";font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Now, Lean Cuisine pizza.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I find it utterly nonsense that someone would not only opt for “healthy pizza” (which is really just a shitter, smaller amount than a normal personal sized pie), but that someone is opting to heat their pizza in a microwave.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I Can only imagine you are left with a hot piece of chewy ass.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I laughed my ass off when I found this picture – brick oven pizza?!</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">REALLY?!</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">HAHAHAHA…you’re heating it in a GODDAMN MICRO.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You deserve to eat this if you buy (into) it.</span></span></span></p><p face="arial" class="MsoNormal"><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.leancuisinecoupons.net/images/lean-cuisine-artwork.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="http://www.leancuisinecoupons.net/images/lean-cuisine-artwork.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPl3TZ2YwI2NUUJdpFnxrWdqV4G7p2A70nPattUz_MVwWEi6MAWc6Z8Epkgu4pG9bi0bmOUZm6_k_M8ejIBhEMeD9WVpEC2SEgoPz0Gqi7am7jh1HXgc09oO5nd2ubPb_K_sXVOZ3oMSAN/s320/dippin+dots+logo.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 170px; height: 160px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPl3TZ2YwI2NUUJdpFnxrWdqV4G7p2A70nPattUz_MVwWEi6MAWc6Z8Epkgu4pG9bi0bmOUZm6_k_M8ejIBhEMeD9WVpEC2SEgoPz0Gqi7am7jh1HXgc09oO5nd2ubPb_K_sXVOZ3oMSAN/s320/dippin+dots+logo.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span><span><b style=""><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dippin Dots –</span></span></span></b></span><span style="line-height: 115%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> first off, let me say that Dippin Dots in and of itself is not half bad, even good if the situation is right.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But what </span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">is </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">bad is Dippin Dots’ claim that it is “the ice cream of the future.”</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hmmm.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dippin Dots, I’m pretty sure you have been around for about 15 years now and yet you still cant break away from the amusement park, space museum and baseball park niche.</span></span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Great call on the market saturation.</span></span></span></div><div style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3586/3320835415_dd6889a601.jpg" style="color: purple; text-decoration: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3586/3320835415_dd6889a601.jpg" alt="" border="0" style="cursor: pointer; width: 284px; height: 350px; " /></span></span></a><b><span style="line-height: 115%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hungry-Man</span></span></span></b></span><span style="line-height: 115%; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – I shouldn’t discuss another frozen food item, but Swanson’s Hungry-Man is just complete nonsense – and utterly disgusting.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I wouldn’t feed a stray dog this crap, let alone a human.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But, I guess this is supposed to hit the spot if you are really really hungry for sodium and fat.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">…Or if you’re just really poor.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></span><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SibpzwSprzI/AAAAAAAAAF4/9pU4hZB45IY/s1600-h/yucky.gif" style="color: blue; text-decoration: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SibpzwSprzI/AAAAAAAAAF4/9pU4hZB45IY/s320/yucky.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343215083267403570" border="0" style="cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 320px; " /></span></span></a></span><div style="font-family:arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="font-family:arial;"><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-left: 0in; line-height: 115%; "><span style="line-height: 115%; "><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">My recommendation if you want to try Hungry-Man – go for the …wait for it, Dragonbreath chili. And by Dragonbreath, Swanson means fiery-diarrhea-from-your-asshole dinner. Oh, and yes, they do make Hungry-Man breakfasts in case you want to start your day off behind the 8-ball.</span></span></span></span></p></div></span></span></div><div style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div face="arial"><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5100C96395L._SL500_AA280_.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 280px;" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5100C96395L._SL500_AA280_.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Pork Rinds - </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Um, I really dont know what to say here. We all know that pork rinds are made from the quality skin of swine. We all know that almost anything you throw into a deep frier will come out tasty, but skin of pig? No thanks. Plus, there is absolutely no health benefits whatsoever from eating pork rinds. In fact pork rinds have five times the sodium of potato chips AND did I mention that it comes from a pig? </span></span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">When he was in the White House, former U.S. President George H. W. Bush said that pork rinds were his favorite snack; clearly "brain food" is not one of its beneficial qualities either.<br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /><br /></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honorable Mention -</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> This did not make the list because its technically not food, but a drink.<br /><br /></span></span></span><span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://clamatosla20.com/assets/images/clamato.gif"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 150px;" src="http://clamatosla20.com/assets/images/clamato.gif" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Clamato </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- What do you get when you combine </span></span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">reconstituted tomato juice concentrate and reconstituted dried clam broth with a dash of high fructose corn syrup, USDA Red 40 to maintain a 'natural' tomato color, and MSG? You got it! CLAMATO (genious naming convention)! Hold on a sec......ok, cool - I just finished throwing up. I mean, even if it tastes ok, knowing that you are drinking reconstituted clam broth is enough to make me puke. According to Wikipedia, the Clamato Caesar is one of the top selling cocktails across Canada. Figures.<br /><br />And if you are really daring, try it pre-mixed with Bud Light or Budweiser super tall boys. If you try it, let us know how bad your shits are.<br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.x-entertainment.com/updates/pics/ewgross1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 452px; height: 587px;" src="http://www.x-entertainment.com/updates/pics/ewgross1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></span></span></a><br /></span></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-73308886645129760632009-05-28T00:43:00.016-04:002009-05-28T09:39:06.804-04:00Bouncers, Drunks, and Cover Charge - Oh, My!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI1c6Nafgwl6OruvAV8KkCOr92qqVHjD-Mx5ocU4R0fJxk-XmN7emN_LGmd3SgrFhZIVQ1sRM2xBHChmpLuybEVAXpHK5UmWG4NeRX3YI4Tz18Bof0lnaEIY5RKugDbWM3TK_RkBofnM3y/s1600-h/club+image.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 148px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI1c6Nafgwl6OruvAV8KkCOr92qqVHjD-Mx5ocU4R0fJxk-XmN7emN_LGmd3SgrFhZIVQ1sRM2xBHChmpLuybEVAXpHK5UmWG4NeRX3YI4Tz18Bof0lnaEIY5RKugDbWM3TK_RkBofnM3y/s200/club+image.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340737443305240370" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Bars, clubs and lounges comprise an area of great importance to those of us who “like to party”, ala the Vengaboys.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">But the entrance process is the one thing that can really put a damper on your fun buzz (other than long bathroom lines and flat hair, right ladies?! Hayyy!).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Between the bouncers, the covers, and the douche bags, the whole ordeal of entering a venue can be often ridiculous and frustrating.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBGB4ecQO395B8XeAkLhnqez_zpGyHZQVZw-Lwo5cKNORJ7DjtLbyLn_YAMti897KyT9oSKZj2fJ-rwr7rtjevJzrPXrcZDlNvWSwSd2Zy3-T-Z2rDQgRX41KOTZwupfXTtG-1IqI11R0B/s1600-h/club+image.jpg"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyu52mhJWkXQJ0ystKNeVGI-nAZzJARYJnaDqHVM0cuDXasQyf00JYue8gVGGGFZSZ8KEkXS3rjy9Oex2pux8KplhGl4p6SCg5Sv-S2vLGDaxWg_30xr2ivpV4DYkgWKv12X7ltD7Vc13P/s320/barbouncer.jpg" style="text-align: left;display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 306px; " border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340736949021000146" /></a><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The “My Job Is More Important Than Anything You Can Ever Imagine” Bouncer:</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">You know this guy and you know him well – he stands, arms crossed, large tree legs steadily balancing his large frame, eyes narrowed as you approach.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">There’s no smile, no joy, no sense of irony regarding the work that is being performed.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">He acts as though my friends and I – all feminine ladies, mostly under 5’7”, certainly in high heels that render us incapable of flight or even motility – are a legitimate threat to the safety and well being of the other party goers.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">These guys want to be taken so seriously that they treat people as though they’re in custody or completing a line up.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I’m confused as to what they are trying to prove.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If they’d like people to know that they are a force with which to be reckoned, I’d say it’s pretty much a safe bet that their 6’10”, 290 pound behemoth bodies accomplish that goal sufficiently without the offensive attitude and delusions of grandeur.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Sexual Discrimination Bouncer – </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I think this works both ways, but clearly men face discrimination far more frequently than women.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Adam and I went to a club a couple of weeks ago and while there was no cover for me, they wanted Adam to pay $20!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">That seems so wrong considering the men are also the ones who buy the bottles and the beverages for us ladies (that’s in my experience at least…sorry ‘bout that to all you uglies buyin your own drinks.)</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This is a recession; I think they should probably be happy that people are going to their lame club without penalizing half the population for having male genitalia and earning more for doing the same job.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-O6VjqtvsA7S3w-543Bhkj_u2U1Zz2C6f9_lbp-gtRzcA8Vo675MYBlrW5FE1GGezWMh7Os-Owx0HqBEzN0q8KhU-Jbx9mktrzz_bczEDtSJN6R_8keBoVOeeXLAN6J0gtR0D2cKcAcXo/s200/female+bouncer.jpg" style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 133px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340733029910367010" /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The “Hot Biatch” bouncer – </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I'm always rather perplexed when there is a woman working the door because I really don’t fully grasp her function.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> She stands there, thinking she is hotter than Gisele, holding her list like it’s the entrance to Eden.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">She is often tall and skinny.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I often hate her.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></p></div><div><p class="MsoNormal"></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The “Sidewalk Santa Cover Charge” -</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This is named after clubs and bars that charge a mysterious fee at the door, the proceeds of which go to a “worthwhile” source (the owner).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I call it the Sidewalk Santa fee because I am convinced that people dress up as Santas randomly and get drunk to gather funds.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">That’s actually not a bad idea.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I should try that.</span></span></p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinr6trRrKodEL9dH_mVSZyhCCqs9aEio0wdx1DQorRHpPkDe4_QFrXkhrf7GoRgj8t81N0eOpttrZtBPs3NN8MjcF-ydhG30X8gdKurAoeFfjEXt1dCKGDc7hvtSZyC3fsEwSPujvtpdBu/s200/friends+w+the+dj.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 148px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340734131955925794" /><p class="MsoNormal"></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The “My Friend Knows the DJ” –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> I absolutely love when a random guy comes to the city (since this situation is usually exclusive to B&T or foreigners, ie from Cleveland), brings an entourage of 10 dudes with him, decides he wants to go to the hottest club and thinks that he can drop a line like this to get past the door.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The guy confidently says “my friend Dan is boys with John K from college” or something equally vague and stupid.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This confrontation concludes with the guys being forced to buy 5 bottles, and then claiming that it was their “mad hook up” that got them in. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The “Sauced Rationalizer” – </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">When someone is trying to get into a bar or club and met with unnecessary resistance, the Sauced Rationalizer takes over, thinking that her drunk mumblings are going to get the group in with no problems.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The arguments frequently include things like “its my birthday”, “my coat is inside”, and “you’re sexy”.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">These encounters frequently have poor endings.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A memorable situation was when my friend engaged in </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“Sauced Rationalizing” and subsequently walked defiantly into the club, pushing past the doormen, dragging the red velvet ropes around her ankles. So, I guess this one works. Try it out, if you think you have the class!</span></span></p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuqbyWTW0kgHEFSTogkjlvv-MH9OnPnCRlKWv5_Mvp4kLFl8ofIBIYw_ddZ5D1kBhCBjeHa_9DgreYARdCp7eki3YswJpFGIJSU81qIDhF62da_5R4tS0RTy6jvOx9Ia9Ruc0wPGiY1Zoy/s320/escorted+out.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 241px; height: 320px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5340736292002792434" /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 17px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The Drunk Punisher – </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This is what I call the bouncer who at around 1pm has his job switched around on him; instead of guarding the door to determine who gets in, he goes inside and determines who has to go out.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Drink stealing, spitting, bitch slapping, and the like all invite such interference from the Drunk Punisher.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I imagine the Drunk Punisher having a superhero voice in his head, confirming all the good he is doing by ridding the club of the uncouth masses: “Level V needs a hero with a face.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Someone to clean up the vomiting, the pot smoking, the belligerent.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I am the hope, I am the DRUNK PUNISHER.”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And then he directs a transsexual to the bathroom and has an Apple-tini spilled on his shoes by a 19 year old (now cue heroic music).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p></div><div><br /></div></div>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-6395901868033251402009-05-19T17:45:00.007-04:002009-05-19T22:33:30.258-04:00Most Nonsensical Secular Holidays<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">The holidays are a time for us to enjoy family, friends, presents and hopefully, time off from work. However, there are those holidays which provide few if any of the aforementioned benefits. In fact, there are holidays which are more annoying than anything else. I decided to survey some of the secular holidays that I find to be complete nonsense. Some (i.e. all) of you will agree, while others will probably want to add many more to this list. In any case, here ya go!</span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpoaMj2QI/AAAAAAAAAFo/GJTDNigLLjI/s1600-h/new_02.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 223px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpoaMj2QI/AAAAAAAAAFo/GJTDNigLLjI/s400/new_02.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337655757567678722" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">New Year’s Eve/Day –</span> I honestly HATE New Years.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What the hell are we celebrating? I mean, not to be a Debbie Downer, but are we that excited to start another, most likely, shitty year?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">New Years in America has been celebrated as just a reason to get super drunk for more money than it usually takes.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And I hate the weeks leading up to NYE when everyone is calling and emailing each other talking about “what are we doing for new years this year?”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honestly, New Year's is just a cruel reminder of how fast time goes by and how fast we ruined last year's resolution.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span> <div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpn171OnI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ay3JJY6Z9Cc/s1600-h/ghog_1.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpn171OnI/AAAAAAAAAFY/ay3JJY6Z9Cc/s400/ghog_1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337655747833838194" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Groundhog's Day –</span> This day is such nonsense.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The only good thing about this holiday existing was the movie Groundhog’s Day – a Bill Murray classic.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But seriously, what’s the point of this stupid day.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> As if </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">a rodent is going to predict when spring is coming?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You think that if you live in Chicago and that the groundhog fails to see its shadow, that winter will soon be over?! Hell, you think if it DOES see its shadow that winter will be over in 6 weeks? (This is according to folklore and the fact that 6 weeks after February 2 is about March 21, the “technical” beginning of Spring).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You find me someone in a northern state that claims to have spring-like weather starting March 21 with or without the help of a huge rat and I’ll show you a goddamn liar (and an air-rifled groundhog).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">If its February 2 in Chicago or any of the northern states for that matter, you don’t need a fat fucking squirrel to tell you that you got about 3 more months of hell.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpnVNXbNI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/DfjKj9_lUic/s1600-h/eday_8.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpnVNXbNI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/DfjKj9_lUic/s400/eday_8.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337655739049012434" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Earth Day –</span> OH, Earth Day…how I just love you, dear Earth.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Let me generate awareness of your awesomeness and our careless destruction of your goodness by holding events, concerts and fairs that cause more pollution than environmental benefit.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here’s an idea for a proper earth day…make every citizen pick up garbage, carpool or walk to work, bath in cold water, do not use electricity……..wait.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fuck that.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpnwkw_CI/AAAAAAAAAFg/J3Sepic7M64/s1600-h/mem_6.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMpnwkw_CI/AAAAAAAAAFg/J3Sepic7M64/s400/mem_6.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337655746394913826" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Flag Day –</span> This day is basically a holiday for fair-weather patriots.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">For this “day” you are supposed to wave your flag outside your dwelling.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">AWESOME!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Flag manufacturers look forward to June 14</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">th</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> every year.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I know I am digressing, but who decides to get into the flag manufacturing business?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Are there lucrative profit margins that I didn’t get the memo about?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What I don’t understand is why people only bust out the stars and stripes just for this day (or small period of time before and after f(l)ag day.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I personally think that if you are willing and proud to wave your flag, do so year-round.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMqDlzH5gI/AAAAAAAAAFw/sucvtyPMvXQ/s1600-h/ld_05.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/ShMqDlzH5gI/AAAAAAAAAFw/sucvtyPMvXQ/s400/ld_05.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5337656224538682882" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 223px; " /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Labor Day –</span> Why do we get off (well at least most of us with professional, high paying jobs) on the day whose name is synonymous with day of work?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Shouldn’t it be called No Going to Work Day?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Or if you want to get specific, call it “No Work Day”*</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">*unless you work in retail, restaurants, hospitality, airline, police, fire, etc.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Valentines Day –</span> please refer our inaugural blog post</span></span></p></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-1344348447719199162009-05-12T23:15:00.018-04:002009-05-13T15:12:50.541-04:00You Have to be Shoeing Me!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgrybk2aRVI/AAAAAAAAAEo/pgTPg5lZuUY/s1600-h/bttf2_nikes.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 385px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgrybk2aRVI/AAAAAAAAAEo/pgTPg5lZuUY/s400/bttf2_nikes.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335343264136054098" /></a><br /><br /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">We have all owned or quite possibly, OWN, a pair of ridiculous shoes. Hell, some of us probably owned a pair of the shoes I'm about to make fun of. I will say this, if you own or owned more than one pair of the shoe concepts I'm about to ridicule, consider yourself, my friend, nonsensical!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo8kURBQbI/AAAAAAAAADo/lrB7olmqeSY/s1600-h/DSCN9356sm.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo8kURBQbI/AAAAAAAAADo/lrB7olmqeSY/s200/DSCN9356sm.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335143303186825650" /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Wooden Clogs –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Wooden shoes, huh? ...Wow.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I guess it only makes sense that the Dutch would invent it.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I mean, you have to be high to come up with shoes like this.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> W</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ooden shoes cannot be crafted for comfort.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> However, a</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ccording to Wikipedia, wooden clogs are supposed to be good for the feet.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">You know what I think are good for feet?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Anything else.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And as long as we’re on the subject of “clogs”...</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Crocs – </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">These fuckers don’t even deserve a picture.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’ll be honest – when these abortions were invented, I was intrigued.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I couldn’t believe footwear could have been developed by a blind person with several retardations.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I can understand that they are convenient to wear, but that is no excuse.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">They match nothing and look uglier than Susan Boyle.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Like their name suggests, they are crocs [of shit].</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’m glad everyone finally realized how ridiculous these shoes (if you can even call them that) really are.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In fact, I can tell you the exact day this happened – November 1, 2007.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here’s the stock chart to show it:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo_V_YafII/AAAAAAAAAEQ/Gs7ELHTkc20/s1600-h/graph.bmp"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo_V_YafII/AAAAAAAAAEQ/Gs7ELHTkc20/s400/graph.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335146355597409410" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 286px; " /></a></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo8kcJE7zI/AAAAAAAAADw/vu01_OnIwoE/s1600-h/platform.jpg"></a></span></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo8kcJE7zI/AAAAAAAAADw/vu01_OnIwoE/s1600-h/platform.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo8kcJE7zI/AAAAAAAAADw/vu01_OnIwoE/s200/platform.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335143305300995890" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 162px; " /></a></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Platform Flip-Flops </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– I should really expand this to platform ANYTHING, but these are just stupid.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Whenever I see someone wearing these, I not only feel bad that they are vertically challenged, but also that they are that stupid to buy something so silly.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I can understand you want to be taller, but you really cannot be less discrete about it</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.crookedtongues.com/imgs/wow/rob2_folder/1_big.jpg"><img src="http://www.crookedtongues.com/imgs/wow/rob2_folder/1_big.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 450px; height: 366px; " /></a></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Nike Rifts (AKA the Nike Cleft Asshole) </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– These are the only shoes that I have gone up to strangers and asked them why they bought camel toe shoes.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">There is nothing any owner of these shoes can tell me that will make me think that it is ok to have these.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Completely unacceptable – not that they were made, but that they are still on the market.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In the process if putting together this entry, I found footwear that is equally, if not worse.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.geekologie.com/2007/08/29/glove-shoes.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.geekologie.com/2007/08/29/glove-shoes.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 450px; height: 340px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Vibram Five Fingers –</span> The assholes at Vibram (what kind of name is Vibram) can’t even name their shoes properly.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Five </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fingers? You mean toes?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It reminds me of off the boat Asian "restaurateurs" who try and write up their own menus – riddled with spelling and grammar errors.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo9PMSgloI/AAAAAAAAAEA/Yg80rMdHUf0/s1600-h/chinese+shoe2b.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sgo9PMSgloI/AAAAAAAAAEA/Yg80rMdHUf0/s200/chinese+shoe2b.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335144039779964546" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 154px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Lotus Shoes</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> - The requisite to wear these silly little bitches is actually more abhorrent than these awful foot contraptions themselves. </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Not sure why anyone would view foot binding </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">as a source of "beauty and pleasure"</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, yet alone shoes that look like they were made from Asian robe material.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">If a poor Asian woman is going to be forced to bind her sweet little Asian feet, at least let her rock some sweet Nike Dunks, or if she wants to get fancy, Christian Louboutins.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" line-height: 18px;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Payless ProWings –</span> While ProWings made a slew of knockoff footware, they will forever live in infamy for making fake Reebok Pumps, AKA the </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ProWings 9153</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I still don’t understand why anyone would wear poorly imitated shoes, because it only draws more ridicule from others.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But what set the </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ProWings 9153</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> apart was that they not only were imitation Reebok pumps, but that the “pump” feature itself was not REAL!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I tried so hard to find a picture of these poor-ass excuses for footwear (editor: more time than you spent writing this post), but I realized it made sense that I couldn’t find it.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Whoever owned these $19.95 creations, probably couldn’t afford to take a picture of such a ridiculous shoe.</span></span></span><o:p></o:p></p></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-68962513035646681092009-05-08T13:45:00.006-04:002009-05-08T14:34:57.398-04:00Ridin' the Boob Tube with Poor Man's Caviar - Part II<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Without further a-do, my (Lindsay's) remaining five nonsensical shows:</span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-style: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYWvQwrI/AAAAAAAAADg/PurXo_1c9r0/s1600-h/the+hills.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYWvQwrI/AAAAAAAAADg/PurXo_1c9r0/s200/the+hills.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5333513621459747506" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 136px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Hills</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Many of my friends watch this show and I have really been tempted to fall under its mindless spell. I did love <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Laguna</span> Beach, since the high school drama was funny and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">kiiiiinda</span> real (in the sense that it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">wasn</span>’t totally fabricated, not in the sense that most teenagers are dealing with issues such as who to invite to their $100,000 party or which Intermix dress looks best with their new fake breasts). </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Hills, </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">in contrast, has retained all of the painful aspects of</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Laguna</span> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">(the over privileged spoiled behavior, the glitter-studded Ed Hardy gear, Lo) and taken away any aspect of real-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ness</span> that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Laguna</span> had clung to. Lauren, who I think is super pretty and probably smarter in real life than she seems, makes me want to vomit. (PS – her </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Family Guy </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">appearance would have made her more endearing, except for the fact that she admitted she needed an acting coach to guide her through the reading because the words were “really hard”. Wow.) <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Audrina</span> is so embarrassingly stupid that listening to hear speak could be considered a form of torture. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Speidi</span>? I won’t even mention Spencer’s “creepy-flesh-colored-beard” or Heidi’s entirely plastic upper torso and face. I have to think that those two are minions of the devil, sent here to test our nation’s fortitude; the fact that I have to see their faces online every day means that we are truly failing. And now even Spencer’s busted sister is famous just because she is related to King of the Douches?! Please, </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Hills</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, just go away and leave us be. You’<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ve</span> proved your point – we’re all going to hell.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-style: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYMAqBCI/AAAAAAAAADY/p8a-nIrGtm4/s1600-h/dinosaurs.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYMAqBCI/AAAAAAAAADY/p8a-nIrGtm4/s200/dinosaurs.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5333513618579915810" style="cursor: pointer; width: 187px; height: 200px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dinosaurs</span></span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">- I know you all remember </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dinosaurs</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – it was on TGIF’s lineup, sandwiched between such classics as </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Family Matters </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">and </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Boy Meets World</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. So the geniuses at ABC came up with this show about people in dinosaur costumes, acting like cheesy humans. The costumes were oddly frightening. No one ever explained what these dinosaurs are doing with fridges, TVs, and telephones. The baby was the most hideous looking little thing ever, yelling “NOT THE MAMA!” and causing all of my idiot schoolmates to chant that “catchphrase” on a regular basis on the Grasshopper. There is actually a petition online, TODAY, to “bring back the Dinosaurs TV show”. Whose life is so empty without this TV show that they are actually petitioning ABC to bring it back? That makes me so sad I could just weep… or hit someone over the head with a frying pan. </span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.realitytea.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/duel.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.realitytea.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/duel.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 550px; height: 365px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The Duel II</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– I love reality challenges for money. I am including this on the list because of the INSANELY ridiculous beginning credits they added this year. They had the cast – a group of idiot-alcohol guzzling-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">dumbasses</span> -“re-enacting” an Aboriginal tribal dance. Yes, that is Brooke (the psychotic, newly minted lesbian, from the Denver season – “DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN!!!” ring a bell?) and Brad (the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">meathead</span>, guy who got arrested, who somehow scored a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">fiancé</span> while looking like a Neanderthal) mutilating a sacred tradition. Poor, aborigines: first they have their land seized and forced into the hills, and then they were hunted for sport, and now <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Bunim</span>/Murray productions do this? That’s cold, man, just cold.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';"><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYD4iGpI/AAAAAAAAADQ/TooKJuRg5sM/s1600-h/bob+saget.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SgRyYD4iGpI/AAAAAAAAADQ/TooKJuRg5sM/s200/bob+saget.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5333513616398359186" style="cursor: pointer; width: 136px; height: 200px; " /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">America’s Funniest Home Videos</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– In my opinion, American’s home videos are far more distressing than funny. I'm sad for the man whose family laughs at him when their daughter whacks him in the balls. I'm sad for the child whose parents are willing to exploit his failure/injury/prematurely gay behavior for the hopes of, at most, $10,000. I'm sad for the single 48 year old woman who sends in videos of her cat, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Bootsie</span>, sitting on a record player and spinning in circles. None of this lives up to the title of the show– it’s all painful, unfunny, and the only venue for Bob <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Saget</span> to successfully market his “high pitched voice over” gag. Yikes.</span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "></span></span></span></i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/imgs/media/090226/TrueTV.DVD.MyTwoDads.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/imgs/media/090226/TrueTV.DVD.MyTwoDads.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 285px; height: 402px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">My Two Dads</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– This show might hold the title for most insanely unbelievable premise for a TV show. So the story behind the show is that this woman was dating two men, but then she died and there was a battle between the two men for custody of her baby. They then moved in together and raised her as a unit. WOW. So these two guys who were totally being played by the girls kinda slutty mom are not only OK with things, but are desperately vying to raise the child whose paternity remains completely unknown? I guess things were simpler in the 80s, before Maury provided a daily forum for arguing over whom the real baby daddy is, when harem pants <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">weren</span>’t ironic, and when Paul <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Reiser</span> was an up and coming star. </span></span></span></span></div></span></div></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-58361934585084623572009-05-07T11:09:00.002-04:002009-05-07T11:10:48.711-04:00The Top 10 Characters Working Out at Your Gym - BroBible - Every Bro Has a Story<a href="http://www.brobible.com/Story/18808">The Top 10 Characters Working Out at Your Gym - BroBible - Every Bro Has a Story</a><br /><br />Great blog post by my good friend, Waffles McButter. You can check out his literary fortitude on wafflesmcbutter.com as well as brobible.com.Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-70582095457359089422009-05-04T08:55:00.007-04:002009-05-04T10:41:45.587-04:00Swine Flu: Another Reason to Keep Kosher?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><div><br /></div>For the first time, Poor Man's Caviar would like to present it's first guest Blogger, Brad Shapiro. Please let us know if you would ever like to write for our blog. Just make sure its funny and interesting. </span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Brad sheds some perspective on the Bird Flu "pandemic". Poor Man's Caviar thinks that the U.S. Government is in bed with the national media and that they are engaged in fear </span></span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">mongering</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. STOP IT. No more </span></span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">MONGERING</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">!</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'Times New Roman';"><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Someone please help me out. This “flu” has gotten so much attention I had to address it. Just yesterday, I’m at the Starbucks on campus (I know) and a girl walks by with a tricked-out surgical mask on. GIVE ME A BREAK, LADY!!!! There have been ZERO reported deaths from swine flu in the US,* and you think…just possibly…maybe…the first one might be </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">you</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">??? </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What’s your motto? Better safe than stupid? </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I mean, it could be worse. Your mask could’</span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ve</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> looked like this:</span></span></span></p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20090428/us-swine-flu-us/images/bb79eda6-71a8-4416-b157-85fb902009af.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20090428/us-swine-flu-us/images/bb79eda6-71a8-4416-b157-85fb902009af.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 512px; height: 363px; " /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Please note the lady’s facial expression on the right – I’m pretty sure she’s really short on air, and not the good kind – see </span></span><i><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">autoerotic</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> asphyxiation </span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">on </span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Wikipedia</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> to see what I’m talking about - </span></span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoerotic_asphyxiation" target="_blank"><span style="color:#0000FF;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><wbr></span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Autoerotic</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">_asphyxiation</span></span></u></span></a></p><p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">All I’m really trying to say is that if you were a guy, you would’</span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ve</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> deserved, and likely received, a prompt </span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">beatdown</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Of course, if you looked like this, at least you might’</span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ve</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> gotten a laugh or two…before you also cashed in on an inevitable ass-whooping:</span></span></span></p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/uploadedImages/News/Chicago/Images/Science/flustache.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/uploadedImages/News/Chicago/Images/Science/flustache.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 524px; height: 393px; " /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">With all due respect, I understand people have lost their lives. Just look at how Mexico has had to deal with it:</span></span></span></p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/01SxcKk9oP5HF/340x.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/01SxcKk9oP5HF/340x.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 340px; height: 445px; " /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’</span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">ve</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> written thus far without actually discussing the virus itself. My question is: how did the virus spread from pig to human? Did </span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Manuelito</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, horned up after a day’s work in the sun, decide to plow his sausage into some future sausage (thence to his wife, and so on)? </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Anyway, it’s a good thing I don’t eat pork. Neither did this guy:</span></span></span></p><p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51khfDKw2oL._SL500_AA280_.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51khfDKw2oL._SL500_AA280_.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 280px; " /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sincerely,</span></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">BA$</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">*Note: When I witnessed this, there had been zero cases, but it’s now my understanding that an infant died in the US after having recently visited Mexico and likely played in the local pigsty. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> <br /></span></span></p><p><span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honorable Mention</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">: Avian Flu (which still got called Avian </span></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Bird</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Flu, in case you killed off enough brain cells in an engaging game of </span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">autoerotic</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> asphyxiation and could no longer figure out what “avian” meant), and </span></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">SARS</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">. </span></span></span></p></span></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-5221105587984716142009-04-29T11:44:00.010-04:002009-04-30T23:04:58.916-04:00The most vile commercially-produced drinks available for consumption<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://tonova.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/a_projectile_vomiting_and_guy_jpg.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 576px; height: 379px;" src="http://tonova.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/a_projectile_vomiting_and_guy_jpg.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I consider myself one that is pretty open to all types of beverages – both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">However, the powers that be in research and development have developed some beverages that for some reason continue to stay on the market*, even though they are the equivalent of drinking piss from the source.</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><div> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here are my</span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> top five</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> worst commercially produced drinks, but feel free to comment on your own:</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: bold; line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://di1.shopping.com/images/pi/be/4e/b7/59279482-177x150-0-0.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://di1.shopping.com/images/pi/be/4e/b7/59279482-177x150-0-0.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 177px; height: 150px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Patron Coffee –</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> WHAT?!</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">When I first saw this at a bar, I thought I was really drunk and hallucinating.</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But I was not.</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I love patron and I love coffee, but I drink each at opposite times of the day.</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Why would anyone want tequila flavored coffee (Editor: or is it coffee flavored tequila)?</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Don’t get me wrong, adding liquor to coffee, like baileys or Jameson, can be great – but tequila?</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Uh, no thank you.</span></span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Silver, reposado and anejo…the only ways tequila should be produced.</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.just-booze.co.uk/images/products/originals/Smirnoff-Ice.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.just-booze.co.uk/images/products/originals/Smirnoff-Ice.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 340px; height: 400px; " /></span></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Smirnoff Ice – </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This drink is just plain gross.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Drinking Smirnoff Ice will </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">definitely furnish you with type II diabetes before getting you drunk.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Makers of alcoholic beverages do not typically list the ingredients on the label, but if they did, here is what the ingredients of Smirnoff Ice would be: Corn Syrup, sugar, glucose, fructose, sucrose, Mexican unfiltered tap water, yellow #5, citrus flavor, a teaspoon of our disgusting smirnoff vodka.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3483/3211564637_e3c2f9b024.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3483/3211564637_e3c2f9b024.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 409px; " /></span></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sparks –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> This is an energy beer (I like to refer to it as “benergy”) produced by MillerCoors that brings the goodness of beer and an energy drink….TOGETHER!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I guess no one at corporate realizes that these two liquids should be treated as MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This combination reminds me of a Jim Gaffigan standup routine where he talks about the nastiness of fruitcake.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); line-height: normal;"><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DtcSS7kVPBU&hl=en&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DtcSS7kVPBU&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Gaffigan explains that he doesn’t fully understand why fruitcake is so nasty because he says that, “Fruit…..good.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Cake…..GREAT!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fruitcake…..nasty crap.”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Same holds true for Sparks.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Energy drink…..good.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Beer….GREAT!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sparks – nasty crap!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here is the mathematical equation I deduced to come up with the taste of the Sparks combination: Beer + Energy Drink = college kid’s vomit.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://dukenukem.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/dscn0932.JPG"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://dukenukem.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/dscn0932.JPG" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 335px; height: 594px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> It’s already bad enough that Dr. Pepper’s commercials compare regular Diet Dr. Pepper to eating dessert.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">But, the creators of the soda that already claims to have “23 flavors” in one can, had to take it one step further.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Instead of letting people mess around on their own, mixing flavors at the soda fountain machine like little kids, Dr. Pepper had to add more flavors on his own to give us the taste of drinking carbonated diabetes – AAAAAND and a name that, if included a verb, would be a complete sentence.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Another example of if it ain't broke, DON'T FIX IT!</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.batonrougebeer.com/images/Chill_6pkLNNR.gif"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.batonrougebeer.com/images/Chill_6pkLNNR.gif" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 398px; height: 500px; " /></span></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Miller Chill –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> Hey, I got an idea!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Since there is nothing wrong with Miller Light, we should change it up!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Let’s take Miller Light and ruin the flavor by adding imitation lime and salt flavor to it!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’m paraphrasing, but whatever schmuck who spoke these words at Miller R&D should have been fired on the spot with zero severance (editor: in addition to having the tires of their PT Cruiser slashed). </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">According to the website, </span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">“Miller Chill </span></span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">is a chelada-style light beer. A refreshing take on an authentic Mexican beer recipe with a hint of lime & salt.</span></span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></i><em style="text-decoration:inherit"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight:bold;font-style:normalcolor:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Miller Chill</span></span></span></em><span class="apple-style-span"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">, Muy Refreshing!</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">”</span></span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"></i></span></span><span style="color:black;"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Really? A refreshing take?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">What Mexican beer recipe has lime and salt in it?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">My definition of a refreshing take on an authentic Mexican beer recipe is taking REAL Mexican light beers, like Corona or Modelo Especial, and throwing them into a bucket of ice!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Miller…just gross, dudes.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Keep with your goddamn core competencies: MGD, Milla Lite, and High Life.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style=" line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif";color:black;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style=" line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif";color:black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Honorable mentions:</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> protein drinks, sugar water (in the plastic barrel with foil cap), Mike’s hard lemonade, prune juice.</span></span></span></span><span style=" line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">*Thankfully, Sparks was pulled from shelves in Q4, 2008.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><br /></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-29977425287394524862009-04-27T18:47:00.008-04:002009-04-27T22:40:36.895-04:00Ridin' the Boob Tube with Poor Man's Caviar<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZjAg2tAa5nzu0lWAOp4KKVUdfBvuH86x3qRzBfftgLkdI0xRUQJLvaf2SGaoTqVtDnCki7CGnu-Vu4byZ0XfpfY8VGgI5611lIyI7Wr2PCaFinwg26L8ewXrLh0yCuqNnzz5Q6ZQf1rZT/s320/boob+tube.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 234px; height: 320px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329512010477378930" /><p class="MsoNormal">I love TV and have a wealth of knowledge related to the topic.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I'm not sure what this says about me: Adam says it makes me a loser, my own mind says that it makes me a Cultural Historian.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I was reading up on some TV news the other day (yes, I do that) and learned that both <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Blossom </i>and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">California Dreams </i>have made it onto DVD.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>That’s right, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">California Dreams</i>, the Saturday morning show about surfers and laugh tracks and whatever else those breed of shows thrived upon.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>These DVD releases fueled my desire to do a post on some other ridiculous TV shows that somehow got the green light. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Calibri;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore"> </span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Lost</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>– I am definitely going to catch shit from Adam for this, considering he thinks this show is the greatest thing since Kinder Bueno bars (if you don’t know what these are, just cry for yourself).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I watched the show first season and really liked it actually: it was a smart fantasy show that played with our perception of reality and focused on the stories of unknowingly interrelated characters.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I couldn’t wait for the next season.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And then came the smoke monster.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And the hatch.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And the movie reel playing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">in</i> the hatch that showed how to avert Armageddon by pushing a button.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And the death by spider attack.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And now the time traveling.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I am shocked to my core at how much people love this show.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I am all for pushing boundaries, but sweet lord, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Lost </i>fans, do you not realize that the show’s writers and creators are LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT YOU.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpOZm_EmmthAlH0TboHfOjhnyT8Kgjmf-q9ah3RCOLokI0vlvQHj314sRYDQ35V_VKAAz5_VTN_whvc3CzizthcixMYnvQYtM7oS0Zd8arLhEWQ6D8AAvg9U0LQVmh0-ENbcpWzPYZ3C27/s320/eko+smoke+monster.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 178px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329512339251955106" />This was really supposed to be a one-or-two season experimental show that turned into a money maker, so they have dragged this shit on, adding one ridiculous twist after another to keep you all in suspense.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>My favorite defense of the show is “they (the creators) had a plan all along”.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh really?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> Sorry guys, they didn't</span>: they had to enter into negotiation every year, contract with the stars, deal with the networks and THEN go back to the writing room and figure out what the hell they were gonna do to keep the ridiculousness going for another season.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Goddamn you, polar bears, you started this all! <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Calibri;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">2)<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">House of Payne</span> </i>– I have never seen this show.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I know that makes me totally unqualified to comment.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>However, I believe that a show that looks like a less funny version of the Klump people movies just can’t be watchable. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> It goes against the laws of nature. </span>At least throw some fat suits in there and give the people what they really want.</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Calibri;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">3)<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The new 90210</span> – </i>It pains me to write this, as I loved the original 90210.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The new version is SO unrealistic and nonsensical, that it had to be on the list.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Firstly, as has been noted by many a Hollywood commentator, the girls are so skinny that I’m genuinely surprised that they have the energy to film the show (I won’t get into a whole “it’s totally irresponsible and gross to put 80 pound girls on TV as sex symbols” but you know, it’s true).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Silver, the skinniest of them all with arms like bamboo shoots, is dating the cool black guy (I was going to call him Michael, the [much more awesome] character Tristan Wilds played on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">The Wire </i>until I realized that’s not his name on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">this </i>show so he gets to be “cool black guy”).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>As far as I'm aware, the syndrome of men being attracted to walking corpses has been strictly limited to the Caucasian population, so this relationship really makes no sense.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Secondly, Jennie Garth is “back” as a school counselor and Tori Spelling (another malnourished, plastic breasted mutant) has returned.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Whoopee, I get to listen to painfully contrived “let’s catch up on old times and try to make our reappearance make sense” dialogue AND be reminded of how little career these ladies had since 1995.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What an uplifter!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And then there’s poor Jessica Walter, who so amazingly played Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development – on this show she relegated to being “crazy grandma”, a second banana to a bunch of moron 16 year olds.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>SIGH.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’m gonna go make a sandwich now… you 90210 cast, take care and good luck with the eating thing… it’s pretty fun once in a while.<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFPRjrWri0cVgZGs3xpdlq1t-o-LZFJXc_TKHmq9tLLd_qLMJvC9onPKq5I5Dugu1JIiA7yx08rBlnzG3ck0oedOtJln-zIrG4mcnilEsVFdQRutImI8GQLDzl2xPw9c4JPRJie1vjgAeX/s200/90210+skinny" style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 188px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329512685515041026" /></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Calibri;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">4)<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Charles In Charge </span></i>– Ok ok, Scott Baio fans, before you get your panties in a bunch, I actually liked this show.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A lot.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Enough that I was super upset when Charles’ best friend from the show had to go on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Celebrity Fit Club</i> and ended up being a total psycho with a violence problem (seriously).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But the show could not be more nonsensical with regard to relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>We’re supposed to believe that this strict, uptight military father would hire a super hot, single, lecherous 20-something to “take care” of his 2 super hot blonde 15-16 year olds?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>REALLY?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And then we’re also supposed to believe that Charles was able to pull ass CONSTANTLY while living in the basement of a house where he works as a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">fucking n</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">anny</i>?! <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Umm no, Viacom, we’re all stocked up on bullshit here, thanks though.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> <img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHJDjgiNs3ybPer7IzT9-CapBxjJ4D3Nh5Z4dU5v_fa_JKdE0CTp5X0qLvucD3IX1nOxiSookpTmYeL7IiswPf58DTBAbbFKqeuA6rNby2FTfimxpbUSP3A2hJWPT2qSG-d-rSqAWJ64_j/s200/scott-baio-gettin-laid-in-85.jpg" style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 182px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329512952389614578" /></span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="mso-bidi-mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-latin;font-family:Calibri;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">5)</span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Groomer Has It</span> </i>– The show is about grooming dogs.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>That’s it. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Really.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A competition for money about who can cut a dachshund’s hair better than someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>TV execs are making money off of this.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Dog grooming.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Wow. </p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1">I This is just the first in a two-part blog.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I know you will all be sitting on the edge of your seats for part 2!</p>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-66350299054506078082009-04-20T11:51:00.014-04:002009-04-21T14:18:52.833-04:00Nice look....NOT!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyz4VpTLOI/AAAAAAAAAC4/rV19cpk1KnY/s1600-h/douchebag.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 352px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyz4VpTLOI/AAAAAAAAAC4/rV19cpk1KnY/s400/douchebag.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326830239736868066" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">We have all been made fun of a look that we’ve had or attempted to have.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">These “looks” that I describe below are just complete nonsense and need to stop.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span><p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://fotosa.ru/stock_photo/ImageSource/p_1791027.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://fotosa.ru/stock_photo/ImageSource/p_1791027.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 403px; height: 580px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Rollerbladers –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> If you are a guy who Rollerblades, chances are, 9 out of 10 times, you enjoy taking walks on the brown side.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Nothing is funnier than seeing some overweight guy attempting to Rollerblade.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Also is the “dude” who thinks that he is Anton Apollo Ono and is trying to weave through the west side highway or lake shore drive at 20 mph.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">These are the same guys that used to try and get girls (or other guys) at the skating rink (editor: They still do, actually).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyhaXPQDPI/AAAAAAAAACA/dd3PAY0fL-o/s1600-h/pa-fashion10-111507-p1_pp_feed_20080226_15_44_26_698.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyhaXPQDPI/AAAAAAAAACA/dd3PAY0fL-o/s200/pa-fashion10-111507-p1_pp_feed_20080226_15_44_26_698.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326809933559106802" style="cursor: pointer; width: 132px; height: 200px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Athletic Gear Wearers –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> NEWSFLASH: Wearing athletic gear won’t make you in better shape!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Male or female, if you wear a cutoff shirt and mesh shorts, your gut does not disappear!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">This phenomenon is not specific to NY.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Anywhere you go you see people who attempt to get into shape by wearing “athletic gear”.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Under Armour doesn’t make your fat go away, it just accentuates it.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Try this: bring your athletic gear to the gym, </span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">then</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> put it on, and get yo’self on the treadmill.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">What also annoys me is overweight people that ride the stationary bike at the equivalent of 3 mph while reading the weekend Times.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">C’mon, really?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">You’re only fooling yourself if you think you’re making a difference in your waistline.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Popped Collars –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> Yes, I know, everyone and their mother has made fun of this travesty.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">However, why do people continue to do it?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">It looks so cheesy to walk through city streets with your polo collar popped.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">There are only two situations where I would say this is ok: 1) on a boat on a windy day (editor: I’M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER!) and 2) if you are trying to hide a horrific scar located in the upper tertiary portion of your neck.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">And don’t make it worse by wearing your hair like this:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyiZeqNViI/AAAAAAAAACI/UNDvEvmliRQ/s1600-h/143003894GuJltE_ph.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyiZeqNViI/AAAAAAAAACI/UNDvEvmliRQ/s200/143003894GuJltE_ph.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326811017882981922" style="cursor: pointer; width: 187px; height: 200px; " /></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://denimiscool.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/jennifer-lopez-high-waist-jeans1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://denimiscool.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/jennifer-lopez-high-waist-jeans1.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 429px; " /></span></span></a></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">High waisted jeans –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> I personally find this look on woman to be ugly.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">To me it looks like someone trying to go after the whole Midwest “mom” look.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">To me, it makes chicks look like the have asses that start at the small of their back giving them a 12-15 inch ass - SICK!!!!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2006/03/23/fashion/23beard1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2006/03/23/fashion/23beard1.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 184px; height: 277px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Long hair complemented with a full beard –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> I don’t know if this look has permeated to other parts of the country, but in NY, you see it almost daily.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">The look: the white dude in his late 20s, early 30s that has grown out hair and a heavy beard not instigated for religious purposes.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">It looks like a bastard creation of Charles Manson and ZZ Top.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Maybe guys want to copy Joaquin Phoenix’s crazed new look.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Why would anyone want to look like that (editor: maybe you’re just jealous that you can’t grow a beard in)?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">And when I see some of these fellows running in the streets, all I can think is how their face must be extremely itchy and smell like crotch.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">On a related note, and what I would consider even a more nonsensical look, are the guys who make designs out of their facial hair:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyipECHozI/AAAAAAAAACQ/f6ciEYZ6xVg/s1600-h/design5.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyipECHozI/AAAAAAAAACQ/f6ciEYZ6xVg/s200/design5.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326811285613421362" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 200px; " /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">...DOUCHE!</span></span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.bestbuys4sale.com/image_manager/attributes/image/image_4/13337142_2780657.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://www.bestbuys4sale.com/image_manager/attributes/image/image_4/13337142_2780657.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 707px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Leather Trench Coats –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> You would think that this look was immediately ruined after Columbine.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">But no, you still see the </span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">faux pas</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> that is the leather trench coat (sometimes worn by the aforementioned long hair with beard dudes).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">My hope is that wearers of the leather trench are doing so because they cannot afford a decent jacket and were able to secure a leather trench at rock bottom liquidation prices.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Or perhaps that they are crazed Matrix fans and so desperately want to be Neo. </span></span></p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyzfR-vgnI/AAAAAAAAACw/NrzmUyfDcuY/s1600-h/fake-tan.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyzfR-vgnI/AAAAAAAAACw/NrzmUyfDcuY/s200/fake-tan.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326829809256333938" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 133px; " /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Overuse of Hair Products/Fake Tanning</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> - This "look" category is pretty much self explanatory. The look is so obnoxious and yet the bearers of this look are convinced it is cool. </span></span></span></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2009/4/9/144471E0-C1B0-67D6-6D4C9EDFFCFDB1E1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2009/4/9/144471E0-C1B0-67D6-6D4C9EDFFCFDB1E1.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 450px; height: 482px; " /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I would compare this to anorexics and how they perceive themselves as fat when they look in the mirror. Excessively fake tanned and hair-gelled folks look in the mirror and see pure awesomeness. For the rest of us, we see pure awfulness.</span></span></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyzfBaYA5I/AAAAAAAAACo/tzt3R_eLuYs/s1600-h/douchebag2dq2.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SeyzfBaYA5I/AAAAAAAAACo/tzt3R_eLuYs/s200/douchebag2dq2.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326829804808831890" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 169px; " /></span></a></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">T-shirts Advertising a Location –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> I don’t know why, but I can’t stand when people wear t-shirts or hoodies of a city, place or island.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">These sightings are especially rampant on cruise ships.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">I cringe at the sight of seeing some person strolling about in a t-shirt </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">embroidered with “St. Thomas” and complementary embroidered sailboats.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">And after I wrote the above, look what I find online:</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyd-svZQpI/AAAAAAAAAB4/kuwD549yqLo/s1600-h/Embroidered_Beach_Bag.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyd-svZQpI/AAAAAAAAAB4/kuwD549yqLo/s200/Embroidered_Beach_Bag.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326806159759852178" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 142px; " /></span></span></a></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://content.etilize.com/Large/10239368.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://content.etilize.com/Large/10239368.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 300px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">The rolling laptop bag to and from work–</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> I know that people may do this because they have bad backs, but many just do it out of sheer laziness.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">I really can’t tell you why, but it really bugs me.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve almost tripped over these things.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Or maybe it’s because I suspect that these folks purchased the bag from Skymall!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Often I find that the accused are those who are obese and should probably carry their bags for the added exercise.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Maybe I’m insensitive…or maybe I’M JUST EFFING RIGHT!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Last one, I PROMISE...<br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyi2ksjIrI/AAAAAAAAACY/h42_7IxVer8/s1600-h/7895014d-d3d7-38b4-71da-da82b78c0f6e-life_fb_pastbetawards_monique.jpg" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=";font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: none;"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Seyi2ksjIrI/AAAAAAAAACY/h42_7IxVer8/s200/7895014d-d3d7-38b4-71da-da82b78c0f6e-life_fb_pastbetawards_monique.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5326811517719618226" style="cursor: pointer; width: 134px; height: 200px; " /></span></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Fat chicks wearing tight clothes –</span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> At this point, you all probably think I’m the biggest asshole, but I need to briefly touch upon this area.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Ladies, if you are obviously overweight, don’t deny this fact to yourself by wearing skin tight clothes such as spandex, miniskirts, or lord forbid, a bikini.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">I don’t understand how overweight women think its ok to look like a beached whale at the pool.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/904/thighs7bj.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/904/thighs7bj.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 424px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Wear black that covers your body and makes you look slimmer.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">There is no reason for me to have to confuse you with the Michelin man or worse, the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> </span></span></span></p></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-26266690416839809402009-04-15T11:48:00.002-04:002009-04-15T11:50:55.667-04:00A Letter to Somali Pirates<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Dear Somali Pirates,</span></span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I have to give you fellas credit.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">How do you witness your fellow pirates get sniped by some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">bad ass</span> Navy Seals (while the boat is bobbing in the water, nonetheless), and then decide it would be a good idea to, without delay, hijack another ship?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Where is the motivation in that?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Call me a bitch, but if I saw someone in my line of work “get got” doing what I do for a living, I would be changing my line of work <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">EEEEE</span>-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">miately</span>! </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Maybe you should start farming?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I’m sure the people of your country could use more food.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Best Regards,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Poor Man’s Caviar</span></span></p>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-38101763234578546262009-04-10T10:39:00.007-04:002009-04-10T11:18:38.377-04:00For the Love of God, Please Go Out of Business!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/405644/786234.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 375px;" src="http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/405644/786234.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">n this trying economy, many retailers are struggling for sales.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">While we should all do our best to spur the economy, these five stores should be left to die (editor: how they are still around is a great mystery).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><div><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In no particular order of ridiculousness:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Brookstone</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – Ahhh. </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The store for you to throw money away on items you will use 1-5 times.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I have to imagine people go in thinking, “Oh wow, this is so clever!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">A digital clock that doubles as a back massager and voice recorder!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Oh look!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">A calculator that is also a water bottle!”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">How Brookstone has not followed its retarded half-brother Sharper Image into bankruptcy is one of life’s mini mysteries.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I mean, not only are the items overpriced, but they’re cheap, and most of all, USELESS!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The only worthy items they sell are massage chairs - but even the massage chair concept comes with two major flaws: 1) the chairs are overpriced and can probably be purchased elsewhere for less and 2) how many people actually purchase the massage chair?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Its only good for massage usage, otherwise, when you sit in the chair, it feels like you are taking a couple knees and an elbow into the back.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Prediction: Brookstone does not make it through the economic downturn.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Skymall Catalog</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – For those of you who have ever flown on a plane, this is the catalog that is found behind the airline’s in-flight magazine.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Talk about a catalog that sells Brookstone-esque products on a massive scale.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The items sold in this catalog are nothing short of retarded.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Instead of actually describing the absurdities you can purchase (at ridiculously ripoff prices), I thought some visuals with descriptions from the ONLINE SITE would be better for you, the reader:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); text-decoration: underline;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/ba/26/04/69646908x.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/ba/26/04/69646908x.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 380px; height: 380px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Branding Irons:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> For the low price of $80 you can have this gem.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style=" line-height:115%;Verdana","sans-serif";color:#354359;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Description: Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef! This 14" stainless steel branding iron has a red lacquered handle with a leather hand strap and features Heatbacker Letters designed to hold heat longer for more impressions before reheating. Specify up to 3 initials (A-Z and the &).</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/7e/1f/06/102727191x.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/7e/1f/06/102727191x.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 380px; height: 380px; " /></span></a></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(53, 67, 89); line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The portable desk:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">For $40 you can look like the world’s biggest nerd.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">With this product you will all but be guaranteed a public beat down for the low price of $40…plus shipping/handling</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/06/18/06/102237941x.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://www.skymall.com/images/products/06/18/06/102237941x.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 380px; height: 380px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span style=" line-height:115%;Verdana","sans-serif";color:#354359;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Description: Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed.</span></span></span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="line-height:115%;Verdana","sans-serif"; color:#354359;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">POOP FREEZE?! HAHAHA…is this the next best thing to the va-poo-rizer?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Who in their right mind is actually going to take this out with them on a dog walk?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And isn’t this basically compressed air that you can buy at Staples, but twice the price?!</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2v7FIkhnOps8v_uqSpTijeU2tOqQFHNqktchmLTfJEkaHmLKahok0A79qgIs5Ys7MepMEyDOao8_-74QXZM_QHRlQRi-LqQghbHpWpjaB0bLvtZI2ly2aAeXK_NayQ1e-cB_fmW90tY/s320/scrapbook+store.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2v7FIkhnOps8v_uqSpTijeU2tOqQFHNqktchmLTfJEkaHmLKahok0A79qgIs5Ys7MepMEyDOao8_-74QXZM_QHRlQRi-LqQghbHpWpjaB0bLvtZI2ly2aAeXK_NayQ1e-cB_fmW90tY/s320/scrapbook+store.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span></a></span></span></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Scrapbooking stores –</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> I have never stepped into one of these stores, but the concept makes me want to shit my own pants.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">When I was living in Chicago, there was a scrapbooking store about a block away from me.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I was glad to see that when I was in Chicago last, there was a sign that stated “retail space available”.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">SHOCKER!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sd9fKkCt-EI/AAAAAAAAABw/tRbVbAnrKrg/s1600-h/store4_full.jpg"><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/Sd9fKkCt-EI/AAAAAAAAABw/tRbVbAnrKrg/s200/store4_full.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5323077919653623874" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px; " /></a></span><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hallmark </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">– This also includes stores that sell Hallmark-like products.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Unfortunately for Hallmark stores, their worthiness dissipated when Beanie Babies went out of fad and basically every drug store started to carry cards (not to mention the Internet for e-cards).</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I mean, why would you go to a Hallmark store?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">“Oh, honey, look! Hallmark.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Lets go in so I can by a few helium balloons, a floral stationary set and a stuffed animal or two!”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(85, 26, 139); text-decoration: underline;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family:Georgia;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://newyork.seriouseats.com/images/20080922-nyhotdog1.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://newyork.seriouseats.com/images/20080922-nyhotdog1.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 333px; " /></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">New York Hot Dog and Coffee</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> – Most of you have never heard of this place, because I believe there is only one and it is next door to where I live.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">So let me give you a little 411 on this soon-to-be out of business establishment.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">At NYHD&C, the combo meal consists of a Korean hot dog of your choosing, paired with coffee and a frozen yogurt.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I mean, really?!</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I think the only other way to acquire swift diarrhea, is the consumption of a disproportionate amount of laxatives.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And to make matters worse, check out what I found when finding a picture of this waste of space: </span></span><a href="http://nyc.everyblock.com/restaurant-inspections/by-date/2009/2/12/2015689/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">http://nyc.everyblock.com/restaurant-inspections/by-date/2009/2/12/2015689/</span></span></a></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">And, if you need a lawyer, DO NOT GO HERE:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/405644/786238.jpg"><img src="http://media.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/405644/786238.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 650px; height: 430px; " /></a></span></span></span></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:13px;">I'm sure there are plenty of other awful retail establishments. Feel free to share in the comments section!</span></p></div></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-87475105316884490092009-04-07T11:57:00.017-04:002009-04-07T15:38:57.059-04:00Board Games 101 - Xanax sold separately<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifAcI5tyxqT2TfidHcazpj5SUTAK1p9yAzwnNdYsX36hC8UTlhqLGh1-qoGynj1Z9jwdA_1cCf8t1-F8veTFnRS5xLGB79pKn4OipREDkCaKOY-JWCD9VmOjagZZa7bHhXD21qxlTM5bmW/s1600-h/candy+land+drinking+game.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 246px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifAcI5tyxqT2TfidHcazpj5SUTAK1p9yAzwnNdYsX36hC8UTlhqLGh1-qoGynj1Z9jwdA_1cCf8t1-F8veTFnRS5xLGB79pKn4OipREDkCaKOY-JWCD9VmOjagZZa7bHhXD21qxlTM5bmW/s320/candy+land+drinking+game.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322017693871862274" /></a><p class="MsoNormal">Board games are always fun when drinking is involved.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I was recently part of a particularly rousing game of drinking Jenga that had me crying with laughter as well as hammered off my ass.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But the other night, when pondering how best to “spice up” a pregame, I realized that just because I add the adjective “drinking” before a game does not mean that was its intended use.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Most of these games were intended for children, not for grown ups (I use that term lightly) on their third vodka soda.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Most of us grew up with many games yet never thought about their real meanings or effects.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I examine some of the more popular games below. </p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMvegNRGe5sVdw_ABbbBktRNhxL2xYfIwrXibgg93ddKdTtJIRVwoIhO4-m7HqWltgUuDH4eWr6jm_MSPIqoBSyDPzn2tFilYj5JwWNsBNlAfJo-GCK0_iYey9ekR1Mv337Ky8E_Rrjjkn/s200/operation.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322030252399031362" /><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Operation </span>– this game is straight up scary.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I remember that when I first opened the box, I cried because of the hideous patient staring out at me with a look of fear and extreme pain.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The guy on the game has a big red nose, is buck nekkid, and full of holes from head to toe. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The only time that should occur is if Homey the Clown were caught in gang war crossfire.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And what lesson is Operation supposed to be teaching?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I'm thinking maybe an overly zealous Asian parent, in an attempt to coerce his or her child into going to med school, came up with this game as an ingenious plot.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>However, Operation doesn’t teach anyone shit about the body – it’s insanely confusing for an 8 year old.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>For years after receiving the game, I thought a funny bone was real and was convinced that we all had an elusive “pencil” floating around in our bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So way to go, Milton Bradley – you have helped raise generations of children who are confused by the anatomy and think the worst thing that happens if you mess up surgery is a buzzer going off.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I'm alerting the HMOs to your wrongdoing.</p><div><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Hungry Hungry Hippos</span> – This game involves no strategy, cooperation, or thinking ability.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It preys purely on children’s desire to smack something while exerting all of their ADD-fueled rage.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You can just imagine the scenario of how this game was born… picture it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>John, the game developer, had a tough day at the office back in 1985: he spilled coffee on his piano key necktie, locked his keys inside his Pinto, and realized his Def Leppard concert tickets were for LAST night instead of tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>To make matters worse, know-it-all Jameson just pitched an idea for something called “Battleship” that the bosses are going crazy over. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He goes home, throws on some Floyd, and lights one up, hating his life and The Hogan Family re-run that’s on TV.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> “Think John!! What’s a good game idea? Oh I’m hungry...you know who else gets hungry? Kids!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So kids are hungry and they like beating the shit out of their toys… kids like colors too… I like colors!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Colors are radical.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>No, focus!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Colorful toy, with hunger, and beating up something.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You know what’s totally boss, a pink hippopotam….I GOT IT!”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Then he goes to make himself a Fluffernutter.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And that, my friends, was my re-imagining of the birth of the dumbest game in history.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></span></p></div><div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUp-xVx3vig6OACW_3U4CepDkhgG94OSbm9hamQPtviJQ4-eIGyALC6bV-l4H3-kTA5vvGTwdGE8wG3qjml1Ji2ah1bzvhblXa9EJhOcJedewNpsmBe1nVY6wOJJt9e-7kMLw9i7f-fRny/s200/guess+who.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322021117764207202" /><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Guess Who</span> - I loved this game as a child.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But upon reflection as an adult (kinda), it is easy to realize the ridiculousness of the game’s premise.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Firstly, they put only 3 women in a game with like 30 characters (and only one of them was a minority so you knew if you drew “Maria” it was over for you).<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Secondly, the game totally promotes racism.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>You knew if you got a black dude, someone was gonna ask the race question right away, so you just wanted to throw him back in the pile.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Do we think this might have</p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1">ve caused some kids to grow up wanting to throw black men back into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">the pile of life</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I'm just saying… and Thirdly, Guess Who makes kids lie to their friends.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If you lied, you could always, after you won of course, be like “ohhh I didn’t realize you meant ALL hats” or “that nose looks big to you? Really??” and so on, in order to beat your friend.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh, Guess Who creators, you bunch of racist, beret wearing, big nosed, A-holes.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’ll see you in hell.</p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Monopoly </span>– I know it’s kinda weird to include Monopoly on the list of ridiculous games.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But Monopoly truly holds a special place in the board game hall of fame, particularly for the sheer competitiveness it elicits from deep in the bowels of our souls.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The game is the penultimate expression of man’s desire to conquer, develop, and generally hold dominion over others.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Aside from the greed and control issues that Monopoly brings out in kids, I don’t know how I feel about this being marketed to children at all considering the latent hostility that surfaces during heated Monopoly matches.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Somehow things always go from “Who owns Reading Railroad?”, slowly progressing to, “Atlantic Avenue with 2 hotels, that’s 2Gs loser!” to “Bitch, you stole my snack pack!” and then “Guess what Curtis, no one likes you and you smell like feet!” finally ending wih the board being hurled or the pieces being shoved into each other’s orifices.</p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Perfection </span>– Do you remember this box/puzzle/timed game with the theme song “Pop Goes</p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShlXeLs-eDiM167N9QKzZWCX7MUXuHbMPwXezDceer1YaAWLVKMVejNfAZVia-FXMho_0l6VE6vQG8ujWWmnOYqxNAi40oIAHkOQW7DxgzEkHKhxnjFR8vpowNToYA3CA57nQQRw6Sy9M/s200/tantrumkidG1510_228x361.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 126px; height: 200px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322029923652087570" />Perfection!”?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Well congratulations if you don’t, because Perfection is literally an anxiety attack in a box that probably contributed to among the most stressful times in a child’s elementary school years.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I still can’t look at that yellow piece board without getting the shivers and the feeling that in life, there’s somehow NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH TIME.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Even the name is stress invoking.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>What a messed up gift to give a child.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It’s like, “Hey Julia, Happy Birthday!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Have fun with this game but make sure you know that everyone always expects PERFECTION from you, and anything less will result in pieces things flying towards your face as a buzzer sounds the alarm of your failure!”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I blame Perfection for both my latent anxiety and my fear of egg timers.<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Sorry!</span> – <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sorry! was responsible for making popular one of the most annoying ways of saying the word “sorry” possible.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>It taught kids how to “apologize” in a way that was totally sarcastic, taunting, and insincere purely to piss off the other players. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The worst part for kids was that when you got a Sorry! card, it entitled you target the people you hate the most, sending them back to start with total disregard.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sorry!, in this way, taught children the joys of gang mentality, winning at others’ expense, and taunting losers with a clever catchphrase. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh you didn’t think this entry was funny? Soooorrrrryyyyy (sticks out tongue).<br /></p><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYtoeiFm_Eu7612-H_UzVpSRIg0YoFeZoqtAW_jbSRtoQR-xYyBvQGmQvrCDZ5xIDbNPmPEpVatzPtW64YEYUW6Gy5ixqgFzIQ8Bz11iuzv-2AI5kR1TvB1Ky3wzY22tgpunCe1vh1btS2/s200/5675_2838_strip-twister-turns-ugly.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 162px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5322022138782865426" /><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-indent:-.25in;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Twister </span>– Ahhh, the budding date-rapists favorite party game.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Twister made millions of dollars taking advantage of creepy little boys’ desire to have an excuse to “fall” on the cute girl in class.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The game wasn’t even fun – it was kinda painful and one person had to sit on the side in order to be the spinner.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Who the hell wants to be the spinner besides a little future voyeur?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I see what you’re up to, Twister – creating a fan base for future porn markets.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I’m on to your pervy-ness, and I don’t like it. </p></div>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-32603473439272231032009-04-06T10:01:00.006-04:002009-04-06T10:20:36.081-04:00Chicago Weather<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SdoPWIsRoiI/AAAAAAAAABo/WUi0qD_1yRA/s1600-h/chicago-winter.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SdoPWIsRoiI/AAAAAAAAABo/WUi0qD_1yRA/s320/chicago-winter.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5321582782656389666" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; ">L</span></span>indsay and I just returned last night from a trip to Chicago. All in all, we had a wonderful time. In fact, it was Lindsay's first time to Chicago and the Midwest as a whole [Editor: that's so weird]. Anyway, I decided to throw up a quick post because there is something of extreme nonsense that I want to bring up: Chicago Weather.<div><div><div><br /></div><div>Now as most of you know, I live in NY, but I'm a Chicagoan til the Chicago ends [Kanye West). The number one thing holding me back from returning to the Chi is the awful weather. As I type this, the snow is coming down in Chicago...ITS APRIL! My friend Loren put it perfectly by saying, "an inch of depression fell." On Friday and Saturday it was nice and sunny, although not terribly mild. Sunday? How about a 20 degree drop in temperature and rain turning into snow. I mean, the White Sox home opener was canceled the day before the game! Its like the owners were like, "Fuggit, not even worth trying to play." </div><div><br /></div><div>When it is actually "summer" in Chicago, it is a hard city to beat. But for the other 10 months of the year (yes, slight exaggeration), Chicago is hard to handle. The volatility of Chicago weather is similar to volatility the stock market has been experiencing since last October [Editor: You're a dork]. Unfortunately, the volatility of Chicago's weather does not look like it will stabilize any time soon. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div></div></div></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-82476281160371087682009-03-30T15:22:00.007-04:002009-03-31T15:27:45.633-04:00Nonsense Drivers of the Road<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.shadetreemechanic.com/images/ara_road_rage.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 445px; height: 296px;" src="http://www.shadetreemechanic.com/images/ara_road_rage.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /></div><br />We all get frustrated when driving. ...Doesn't matter if we drive casually, if we drive as part of our daily commute, or only when renting a car on vacation. The frustration is usually instigated by heavy traffic, or stupid ass drivers. <div><br /></div><div>Here is a list of chronic offenders:<div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Women </span>- I cannot truly describe how bad women are at driving. I could not tell you the amount of times I used to drive to work and see women in the car putting on makeup - ON THE HIGHWAY! Not to mention the constant breaking, wheel jerking and slow driving. Yes, the speed limit says 55, but guys know that this is more of a "guideline" and anything over 70 is really where you start to gamble with law enforcement.</div><div><br /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/women-drivers-i-bet-the-boat-just-jumped-out-in-front-of-you-demotivational-poster.jpg"><img src="http://www.demotivateus.com/posters/women-drivers-i-bet-the-boat-just-jumped-out-in-front-of-you-demotivational-poster.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 440px; height: 352px; " /></a><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>When I am asked to parallel park or pull into a spot for a woman, that says something. But for some reason, men have to pay more for car insurance. How can that be? [Editor: because men like to drink and drive].</div><div><br /></div><div>Now granted, not all women are bad drivers (e.g., Danica Patrick), but let me just say that women are MUCH better at "riding" than "driving"...if know what I mean ;) ;)<br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Senior Citizens</span> - I totally understand that when you get old, you hate to "not be able to do things for yourself." ...Totally understandable. But let me say this seniors, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">driving is not one of those things</span>. When you have trouble hearing the person on the other end of the phone or have trouble reading text, why the hell should you be allowed to drive? I mean, I would have to try with all my might to drive as slow as seniors. And they cause the worst accidents. Whenever there's a crazy news article about a driver mowing down a sidewalk of people, or crashing through a store, 9 times out of 10, its an oldie. Old people and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Asians</span> are probably tied for the worst drivers. </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.dot.state.wi.us/safety/motorist/images/senior-drivers.jpg"><img src="http://www.dot.state.wi.us/safety/motorist/images/senior-drivers.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 199px; " /></a><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Asians -</span> Asian drivers make the phrase "<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Asian</span> car" an oxymoron. Considering how awful Asian drivers are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">across</span> the board, I am dumbfounded by the quality craftsmanship Asian car manufacturers produce. I have always been able to tell from far away when someone is an Asian driver. They seriously do the dumbest things. Left turn signal to make a right; 8 attempts to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">parallel</span> park; wont turn left when having to yield on a green light (they'll even move up to the middle of the intersection to turn and once the light hits yellow, they wont go -thus blocking traffic. And when they try and back up, they most likely back into you.) </div><div><br /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SdJnxbGE-aI/AAAAAAAAABY/oTcKCxFR6nw/s1600-h/asian_driver_no_survivors_bumper_sticker-p128646427579613944trl0_400.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZxQXw7OEFlg/SdJnxbGE-aI/AAAAAAAAABY/oTcKCxFR6nw/s400/asian_driver_no_survivors_bumper_sticker-p128646427579613944trl0_400.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319428208662477218" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 119px; " /></a><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>If you are driving near or around a female, Asian senior citizen, you have single-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">handedly</span> created a life threatening situation for yourself. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Cabbies</span> -</span> Just all around the most annoying (and smelly) of all drivers on the road. Since living in New York and on a fairly bustling street, I realize that I will have to deal with traffic sounds. But the level of honking dished out by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">cabbies</span> in major cities is just preposterous. Here's a tip cab driver: less honk, more <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">deodorant</span>. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Men -</span> Only to be fair, I must speak to my own kind. On average, I do consider us to be the best drivers, but that <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">doesn't</span> mean we <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">don't</span> have our share of douche bag drivers. I cannot stand the: </div><div><ul><li>guys who constantly change lanes in traffic thus causing the people behind to break and further slow down traffic<br /></li><li>guys who play music so loud that people three states away can hear, <br /></li><li>guys who take 2 spots to park their brand new Pontiac (Women do double park out of incompetence, not to "protect" their 15k automobile purchase) <br /></li></ul></div><div><br /></div><div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://shitedrivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/dsc02232.JPG"><img src="http://shitedrivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/dsc02232.JPG" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 600px; height: 450px; " /></a><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>While I know that there are other demographics that could be included, I will end here. </div><div><br /></div></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-9248319605547255672009-03-30T08:47:00.002-04:002009-03-30T08:50:10.454-04:00...And We're BackLoyal Readers-<div><br /></div><div>Apologies from the lack of posts. I have recently returned from about two and a half weeks of traveling. Be on the lookout for a new post in the coming days. My brain has to get back to neutral. </div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-67084168050444934202009-03-18T16:00:00.014-04:002009-03-18T16:44:02.107-04:00Subway FreshBuzz: "It's Hell"<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314624222937520466" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkChKdxwcUlneLRw7siFZiu1BP22pgwtvsiGybNbLRjuYKBLOPIiNp44DbGq99Lcs6iqFY5KbyxmocxnAlGKs6L5iGzoKPKB37c5m_JTy2vNU4DXfI5uou5GHfdmTfur23azFJuWJnBdZh/s320/subway+crowd.jpg" border="0" /><span style="font-family:verdana;">After a long three years of taking the subway from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn for school, and now constantly traveling from the Upper East Side to the West Village to visit Adam (ps – awesome subway planning NYC, way to make it absolutely impossible to go from East to West. I mean, because don’t most people only ever need to go North to South?), I have been exposed to all that the wonderful MTA system has to offer. Below, I consider the most nonsensical and attempt to simultaneously analyze and mock. </span><br /><div><div><div><div><span style="font-family:verdana;"><div><div><div><br /><div>1) Intrastate Tourists (IST) – I don’t hate on actual tourists who are speaking French or Japanese and genuinely trying to make sense of the subway stops. Intrastate Tourists refers to people from Staten Island, Westchester, and Long Island City (and the like – I don’t discriminate) who really should be able to interpret a subway map but who either 1) cannot for the life of them do so, or 2) think they are really capable but actually have no clue. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBY8pub_dqiQE-SDZJ_uywmKJIDOwWDDHquCdVk3djim-5Z6_RrvNg31QSuGxg0Y4bGQiQWPgOkJ6GgqSRx3sN84XVWpF2JZbixO_BSgetFVm0AwBnhsCqUPKbMq1ZzNkI9E4vUdUwuunH/s1600-h/subway+tourist+2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314624378580802194" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBY8pub_dqiQE-SDZJ_uywmKJIDOwWDDHquCdVk3djim-5Z6_RrvNg31QSuGxg0Y4bGQiQWPgOkJ6GgqSRx3sN84XVWpF2JZbixO_BSgetFVm0AwBnhsCqUPKbMq1ZzNkI9E4vUdUwuunH/s200/subway+tourist+2.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><br /><div>You can identify the <strong>first kind</strong> as follows: the male IST stands hunched over the laminated wall map, mouth agape, his giant gold-ringed finger tracing the R train’s path and becoming increasingly stymied. His girlfriend comes over, pokes her hairsprayed bangs in the way, and uses her sparkled Lee Press On to show her man where he misunderstood. They argue, come to a decision after some yelling, and, ultimately, get off at the wrong stop. </div><div>You can identify the <strong>second kind</strong> of IST thusly: The IST is often leading a <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN4f3P9GF-cOAsy-K2PNSfKtTfBkSsU4guisFmRvo0odluI4AvdHf50w_dJ_-mE9aZ7onZcd7_6IiI9zThoYqMUh_gIwcOqPfettZPXICAPoGrN4C3EZ6A_iahczgmUaYrisX9yIoPy23B/s1600-h/staten.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314628679878810338" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN4f3P9GF-cOAsy-K2PNSfKtTfBkSsU4guisFmRvo0odluI4AvdHf50w_dJ_-mE9aZ7onZcd7_6IiI9zThoYqMUh_gIwcOqPfettZPXICAPoGrN4C3EZ6A_iahczgmUaYrisX9yIoPy23B/s200/staten.jpg" border="0" /></a>group of his fellow tourists on an excursion to the city, most likely for a hockey game, Def Leppard concert, or night of belligerence at the Blarney Stone. The IST is very confident, assuring his pals that he has done this many times when he “worked in the city”. His leather jacket and gelled hair gleaming with confidence, he stands in the middle of the car, refusing to look at the map. He is loud and often carrying a Colt 45 in a paper bag. At his direction he and his ISTs, ultimately, get off at the wrong stop.<br /><br />2) Smelly Subway Platforms –I’m aware that the subway isn’t ever going to be immaculate. But seriously what are these bizarre smells on the platform? Sometimes they are so shocking that I actually want to bottle them and have them analyzed. It’s gotten so bad, actually, that gawker.com has created a “Subway Smells” chart, so that you can be aware of which odors will be offending your nose at each particular station. </div><div>My top 3 offending stations: </div><br /><div><strong>59th and Lex</strong> – I apparently am the only one who is sensitive to this station, but honestly, it smells like dead people and feet. It’s absolutely horrendous and it’s what I imagine hell smells like. </div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCDm-Su7b8KJFuaz7GCTu_IrKPIdfafSS1ZX55puURknD3LG-RhK9pS7_WvSP64Qp4dlJT8lXqZh9WpDpr0NRHQ6MyTU2KQ8Dg8Kg9iPhkSKwp-IgWtDOG5WtTKl642SmjZJtSWAUdh6-F/s1600-h/fish+suit.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314626406724522178" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCDm-Su7b8KJFuaz7GCTu_IrKPIdfafSS1ZX55puURknD3LG-RhK9pS7_WvSP64Qp4dlJT8lXqZh9WpDpr0NRHQ6MyTU2KQ8Dg8Kg9iPhkSKwp-IgWtDOG5WtTKl642SmjZJtSWAUdh6-F/s200/fish+suit.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><strong>Canal Street</strong> – This stop smells like a dead fish wearing cheap cologne on a date to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Enough said. </div><br /><div><strong>West 42nd Street</strong> – its as if the subway platform has harnessed the smell of pigeon feces, urine, and homeless people that plagues the Port Authority Bus Terminal and concentrated it down to a powerful, nose-hair killing gas that could defeat even Superman.<br /><br />3) Fat Person Taking Up the Subway Bench – Oh, I’m sorry… did I attempt to sit in the seat reserved for your FUPA? No, no, don’t bother getting up for the geriatric woman and her granddaughter, you just make sure that your ass that <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAOdx7mesgtCiDczILwsjhPt6qqsMQTqan0ZKAWOAAHQSGbLenj-GlyWCSikqfeqFhmhdj8LFpKil9Z9oPwGdwvNE3Ur8FwM6R2lr0BzWqdU98EZ-CL5n4L91nw4M3guMiX5qqIn03H4Tn/s1600-h/fat-woman.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314624594158706194" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 126px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAOdx7mesgtCiDczILwsjhPt6qqsMQTqan0ZKAWOAAHQSGbLenj-GlyWCSikqfeqFhmhdj8LFpKil9Z9oPwGdwvNE3Ur8FwM6R2lr0BzWqdU98EZ-CL5n4L91nw4M3guMiX5qqIn03H4Tn/s200/fat-woman.jpg" border="0" /></a>has its own zip code is nice and comfy. I mean, honestly, what is with this? How do people who are 150+ pounds overweight get this weird sense of entitlement? Most of these people are already “entitling” themselves to not following any dietary restrictions, not ever going to the gym, and wearing stretch pants to all occasions – yes, I can see how that’s so exhausting that they do deserve the entire subway bench. I know the subway is free and no one pays per seat, but next time I see this, I think I might have to sit myself down on someone’s potbelly… and hope to come out alive. (Note: Yes, yes, I also took health in high school, I know that not everyone is obese because they eat and don’t work out. And to all you genuinely thyroid challenged folks out there, I really am sorry, feel free to keep sitting on the subway. However, I watch the Biggest Loser [religiously… and cry] and all I know is that most of these cats are just eating like Armageddon is coming and Bruce Willis doesn’t have room for them on the ship.)<br /><br />4) Voice Immodulation Disorder Affected Conductors – Why are you yelling at me, <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBXvUuB5NHyio_qVIoJZEdXSJbCMkUXtb7VIEFkYybLNyAhW-mMy9l68qS2KD7jsd1Pcw3pnDD6lkcaFaI8wqzkYAD0o4fW_XfDSPEuR2El_MyvNY5mb2yYWowgfcOk3A6sviJKRiljTTM/s1600-h/voice+immod.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314625254554768642" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 142px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBXvUuB5NHyio_qVIoJZEdXSJbCMkUXtb7VIEFkYybLNyAhW-mMy9l68qS2KD7jsd1Pcw3pnDD6lkcaFaI8wqzkYAD0o4fW_XfDSPEuR2El_MyvNY5mb2yYWowgfcOk3A6sviJKRiljTTM/s200/voice+immod.jpg" border="0" /></a>conductor? I heard you the first time when you told me that at South Ferry only the first 5 doors open – I think the people on the subway behind us heard you, in fact. Are you mad at me, conductor? I know I said I would take only your train every day, but sometimes I’m running late and you know, I take what I can get. What’s that? You don’t want me to stand in the door? Can you make sure you speak a little bit closer to your microphone? I don’t think you’ve yet reached the volume at which all your words turn to static – yea that’s, it, where you sound like angry aliens attempting to contact Earth. Thank you, conductor, for adding yet another dimension of pleasure to my ride. </div></span><br /><div><span style="font-family:verdana;">5) Dick In A Box – this is the genius subway personnel who sits at the subway entrance in a clear, bulletproof chamber, as if this person who I only ever see filing her nails or napping is at all times in imminent danger of being <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihrHFD_PyQiXcxt3tIVkMaMZR8JGELujCoL7rMWb72maz2dz-SDPcTRXAKi8DJkCq9f2mvGbreTMd_LSTCBQ8lKF1qkJVhjimEasb8gbtuOfgIiqpLFRrRgBTudzhKK_IWh_2ZNOCgfinT/s1600-h/mta+sleeper.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314625634043033458" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 133px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihrHFD_PyQiXcxt3tIVkMaMZR8JGELujCoL7rMWb72maz2dz-SDPcTRXAKi8DJkCq9f2mvGbreTMd_LSTCBQ8lKF1qkJVhjimEasb8gbtuOfgIiqpLFRrRgBTudzhKK_IWh_2ZNOCgfinT/s200/mta+sleeper.jpg" border="0" /></a>assassinated. No, you can no longer buy a Metrocard from the Dick In A Box, nor can he or she give you change, a map, or anything else useful. The Dick In A Box’s sole purpose, I’m convinced, is to confuse the hell out of tourists and bolster the MTA’s numbers so they can get a higher budget for those classy MTA caps (btw, what’s with those hats? It’s as if they want us to be like “Oh heyyy, it’s a cop! No, wait, it’s an MTA employee, but because he’s wearing that hat, he must be worthy of respect! Yay MTA, please raise the fare to $3 a ride! Whee!”).</span></div></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-8498254212676656222009-03-12T11:52:00.012-04:002009-03-12T12:25:29.780-04:00Thou Shalt Not Worship Idols - but American Idol is A-OK<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-DjTuqe52S8BfPA4R2jb7yNc7W-eXg0C6G_RGALLwyhP2Z-VjloBaH8iW1Z5cM-UNI8hITWn2yNINJFD9cD2rk11QdtYfFHUf4H1cF9nQsxYexCMq2It0Iw-aCmjTjyWz4K6QSs7Bqm_/s1600-h/AI8_Top13pic.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312330250160728322" style="WIDTH: 287px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW-DjTuqe52S8BfPA4R2jb7yNc7W-eXg0C6G_RGALLwyhP2Z-VjloBaH8iW1Z5cM-UNI8hITWn2yNINJFD9cD2rk11QdtYfFHUf4H1cF9nQsxYexCMq2It0Iw-aCmjTjyWz4K6QSs7Bqm_/s320/AI8_Top13pic.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><div>American Idol season is upon us and if you are like me, you love it, and if you are like Adam, you are forced into watching it by your significant other. The show is considered by some to be nonsensical, and the voting is definitely nonsensical, so I felt it to be appropriate fodder for our blog. Regardless of your feelings for the show, you probably watch it and you’ll admit they have some real characters on this year. I find several of them incredibly entertaining and some not so much. But as the show is in its early stage, where all the finalists are still around (minus Jasmine and more Jorge… I LOVE YOU JORGE!) I thought it was about time that I dedicate a post to the power that is American Idol. For those non-believers, go read Adam’s post below about airport assholes… its entertaining yet cynical, which you’ll probably like. </div><div><br /><strong>Adam Lambert – The Guilty Pleasure</strong>: Adam, the eyeliner-wearing judge’s pet, is my <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFRe6QJxi-F66ppk9nb-DcAuGmsYK0Q_8920KsMk1zz9oDfhs3d34UNoGad20o97WQFkNIZeY74Wz7bH01C-E9PytQTbuety8_fT4auLFv4FeNdq7NwhciS23SB-cexNGp872CZEo7UInm/s1600-h/men+wear+eyeliner.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312330954226505058" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFRe6QJxi-F66ppk9nb-DcAuGmsYK0Q_8920KsMk1zz9oDfhs3d34UNoGad20o97WQFkNIZeY74Wz7bH01C-E9PytQTbuety8_fT4auLFv4FeNdq7NwhciS23SB-cexNGp872CZEo7UInm/s200/men+wear+eyeliner.jpg" border="0" /></a>current guilty pleasure. The dude couldn’t be more ludicrous, couldn’t have worse skin, and definitely couldn’t be less of the “bad boy” he pretends to be. But lord help me, I love that Jewish, gay, flamboyant dynamo. He is so ballsy, I just can’t help myself. How can you be confident wearing leggings, a baby blue leather jacket, a 1995-style chain wallet, and a Christian Siriano faux-hawk/mullet? I don’t know, but Adam does it and I just can’t hate.<br /><br /><strong>Scott MacIntyre – The Blind Guy Who It Seems Wrong to Make Fun of Yet You Kinda Want To:</strong> OK firstly, Scott has grown on me. His Michael Jackson song was very pretty and I’m getting less weirded out by his curly, baby-cupid style hair. However, those eyes… yes I know he is legally blind, but oh my goodness am I the only one who feels like he is staring into the depths of my soul?! Between the fear that he is putting a Children of the Corn spell on me and the guilt I feel when I giggle at his part in the group dances, I don’t know how much longer my nerves or conscience can handle Scott on the show. </div><div><br /><strong>Kris Something – The Kinda Hot Random Guy</strong>: Who is voting for this dude? I mean he’s <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDpopYB1kX9YvhX2SvHAOBEqqAZFNql4XxK96nCYJRts5g7ahG1F6SX498aVF-bAbdAMABbe0ZU-i2kKVFxGSdg0bycVHxk9Nqpg9qokF_GrStqyLeKI3daql5at267TD5rLsj7vxHKAMV/s1600-h/kriskristofferson13-189x182.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312331177006078402" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 189px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 182px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDpopYB1kX9YvhX2SvHAOBEqqAZFNql4XxK96nCYJRts5g7ahG1F6SX498aVF-bAbdAMABbe0ZU-i2kKVFxGSdg0bycVHxk9Nqpg9qokF_GrStqyLeKI3daql5at267TD5rLsj7vxHKAMV/s320/kriskristofferson13-189x182.jpg" border="0" /></a>ok, pretty cute, whatever, but an American Idol? I don’t think so. Also, who spells Chris like Kris? It reminds me of the actor Kris Kristofferson who scares the crap out of me (anyone see Blade II or The Jacket? After those, he’ll scare you too). But props on the guitar, at least I get some feeling of my long lost Jason Castro this year. If Kris brings out some white-guy dreds, then maybe we’ll talk.<br /><br /><strong>Alison Iraheta – The Great Singer Who Looks and Sounds Like a 40 Year Old Single Mom</strong>: Alison has an awesome voice and her singing Heart’s “Alone” last week immediately won me over (all the Heart fans, say hay oh!). But the hair, the voice, the interviews, and the still-remaining bottom braces… I don’t know, man. Her hair color is straight out of a Manic Panic jar, her 50-year old smoker’s voice would put La Lohan to shame, and her comment during judging about self-mutilation… really Alison? You’re gonna talk about cutting on Idol? Why don’t you start telling everyone about how you spend your welfare checks on crack next time? That might be more appropriate. And Ali, no matter what Paula says, your hair does NOT look good… try a human color. The pinkish hair trend was killed once all of the contestants on Rock of Love Charm School adopted it. </div><div><br /><strong><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbCNNGDbatgRhYmQzEXsiXR3QJCsshvDp415OUV55MfSVkqz4LOMNV9P9LTpOlVhxjFbvFjBgaf8uW_SbqZxf70cGWm3AJtZ_CQCyIOvvSzPYHfOWxKEjHhJkNYnnKLA3Ycm7UXYJIblej/s1600-h/man_weeps.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312331610352391762" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 158px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbCNNGDbatgRhYmQzEXsiXR3QJCsshvDp415OUV55MfSVkqz4LOMNV9P9LTpOlVhxjFbvFjBgaf8uW_SbqZxf70cGWm3AJtZ_CQCyIOvvSzPYHfOWxKEjHhJkNYnnKLA3Ycm7UXYJIblej/s200/man_weeps.jpg" border="0" /></a>Matt Giraud – The Emotional Wreck</strong>: Matt has a great voice and I like him. But his looking like he is constantly going to burst into tears is really starting to make me uncomfortable. I feel like he’s the guy you’ve dated for 2 weeks and are breaking up with and is creepily about to start weeping in the Starbucks. Keep it together, Matt, or else I’m gonna take my vote to another piano-bar singing, Justin Timberlake wannabe… don’t make me threaten you, you know I hate when you make me like this!! (insert backhand slap)<br /><br /><strong>Lil Rounds – The Booty</strong>: Damn, girl! That is some SERIOUS junk in the trunk. Adam has a 50-inch TV and the size it looks on that thing… wow. All I know is that if she wins, they’re going to have to put a fold out insert in her CD to capture her whole ass.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkDkEzPVrjcyvUVWwRb_3lJwHX4E8p3FPWWKR-WEKxzw1-VrHmZ7svTnLUqlLLxA-Rx7dUH6fg-8u8NF_x_BdPrEL-7WYm12dk2GUF4sc-dXPfvKdGc8irQnqutD_FLgAkvnqRTPtVWclw/s1600-h/ind+guy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312332398399815874" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 139px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkDkEzPVrjcyvUVWwRb_3lJwHX4E8p3FPWWKR-WEKxzw1-VrHmZ7svTnLUqlLLxA-Rx7dUH6fg-8u8NF_x_BdPrEL-7WYm12dk2GUF4sc-dXPfvKdGc8irQnqutD_FLgAkvnqRTPtVWclw/s200/ind+guy.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><div><strong>Anoop Desai – The Awesome Non-Kumar Indian Guy</strong>: Anoop is doing for Indian guys across the country what Miley Cyrus did for her dad – making something kinda nerdy and obscure into something super cool and relevant. Seriously, I think the number of intellectual Indian guys across America who are going to get college ass because of Anoop will be off the hook. What with Slumdog Millionaire sweeping the Oscars and Indian food being so delicious (I just discovered this so I’m still excited), Anoop has got some real clout behind him. It’s the year of the Indian and I don’t mean the one who cries about littering. Go Anoop dog! </div><br /><div>So yes, I could go on and talk about Alexis Grace (eat a sandwich and try going outdoors – you are probably really Vitamin D deficient), Megan Cokrey (nice tattoo sleeve, that was a really great drunk decision you made… about as good as the one to have unprotected sex), and Michael Sarver (he’s hot and cool, don’t really have anything funny to say), but I think my post hath runneth over. Feel free to leave comments about anyone I missed, lampooned, or went too lightly on. Much love, Idol watchers!</div></div>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-11429692790376702602009-03-09T14:57:00.016-04:002009-03-11T11:03:59.978-04:00Part Duex: Airport Assholes<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Due in part to the positive feedback I received on “Airport Amateurs”, in part because there is so much nonsense that happens in an airport, and the fact that I'll be taking a transatlantic flight this Friday (March 13 if you aren't</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> sure which Friday I'm talking about), I have decided to post a sequel to the other half of Airport Amateurs:</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The Airport Assholes.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The airport assholes are namely everyone in an airport that wears an ID badge around their neck: </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">TSA</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> agents, airline personnel, and airport employees.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">These people are probably the most miserable people in existence.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">And rightly so - they work at an airport!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">In a slightly different layout then before, I will bullet the class of asshole and provide a brief description.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The Gate Agent</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – This is the person that could have been </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Hilter</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">’s number two if given the opportunity.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They are easily the biggest gaping assholes at the airport.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They hate work, people and pretty much everything that life has to offer – they are the face and customer service of the airline industry.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Gate agents are there to make sure you have the worst possible travel experience possible.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Running a little late to your flight?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They’ll make sure your seat was given to someone else.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Trying to switch out of your middle seat on the plane?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Go fuck yourself.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Attempting to get on standby?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They’ll make sure you don’t get on stand-by AND they’ll give up your seat on the original flight.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Gate agents beat their children.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">TSA</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> Agent</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">TSA</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> agents are nothing more than bouncers with a uniform.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They try and act like BSDs (Big Swinging Dicks) cause they can tell you to do stuff before you walk through a metal detector.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Instead of really looking for terrorists, they are busy combing an old lady with a metal hip using their metal detector wand.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1140/1418632004_5c4e3982db.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1140/1418632004_5c4e3982db.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 376px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">“Oh, you want to grope me because I was acting with insubordination?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">That’s fine, I’ll take my shoes off…I’ll remove metal objects and place them in tray.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">But guess what?</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">When I get through security, I’m leaving the 4 trays I used for YOU to collect.”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The Ticketing Agent</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%; Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – I have never met such an inept group of monkeys.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The job requirements of this position are to stand in front of a computer, check people in or help those that have ticketing issues.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">In reality, most cannot speak a lick of </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">English</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> and act like they have never interacted with a computer before.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Traveler: “Um...yes, my flight got cancelled.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Can you please get me on the next available flight?” </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Ticket Agent: “Hold on, sir, let me see what I can do.”</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They’ll spend the next 15 minutes typing away like they are transcribing courtroom proceedings. Then they will pull another ticket agent away from someone checking in, to assist them in arbitrarily pointing to the computer screen - all in a concerted effort that concludes with them telling you that the system is not allowing them to issue any tickets, and that you’ll have to go to the gate for a ticket.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">What they </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">really</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> mean is they are too retarded to work the application which is the cornerstone of their job, and that you’ll have to try your luck with the gate agent.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">If you already forgot, please see above as to what you can expect from the gate agent.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Side note: Why is the system that the gate agents use different than what the ticketing agents use?!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The Golf Cart Drivers</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%; Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – These are the folks that cart cripples and beached whales around the airport.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">They are usually clocking 25 in a 1, honking like crazy and willing to clip any motherfucker that gets in their way.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">These people have the audacity to think that WE ARE THE ASSHOLES because we are not walking backwards to see them coming.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Its like a Hollywood movie where there’s a high speed chase in a bustling market.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.realitycheck69.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/airport-electric-death-carts.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><img src="http://www.realitycheck69.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/airport-electric-death-carts.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 500px; height: 375px; " /></span></span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Restaurant/Hudson News Workers</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%; Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – These people are just assholes for charging $3 for gum, $4 for Aquafina (toilet water) and having a dollar menu at McDonalds that only consists of the apple pie.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Airport Information</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%; Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – These people know their way around the airport no better than you or me.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">If you have never asked a question at the airport information booth, do it next time.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I promise, you will walk away shaking your head and grimacing from disbelief at the complete incompetence.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Baggage loaders</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – You don’t typically interact verbally with these folks, but you interact with them visually: out of the window at the gate or perhaps from your window seat on the plane.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">These guys make it a point to completely fuck up your luggage.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">If you check-in you luggage brand new, you better believe you are going to get it on the other end with bent or missing zippers, the “ballistic” nylon on your suitcase slashed, or if you’re really lucky, your shit just straight up disappears.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I have a gash on my rollerboard that could only have been made with a deliberate swipe of a box cutter.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b8/BaggageHandlerDetroit7August2006.png/240px-BaggageHandlerDetroit7August2006.png"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b8/BaggageHandlerDetroit7August2006.png/240px-BaggageHandlerDetroit7August2006.png" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 319px; " /></span></span></a></span></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Flight Attendants –</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> In all honestly, this is a crap shoot.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Some flight attendants are really cool and give you beer or a mini vodka for free.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Other times, whether male or female, they act like they had bad buttsex the night before and are determined to take it out on you.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Namely, by crushing your elbow, foot or head with the drink cart.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">And to really piss you off, they’ll ask you to please move said body part AFTER they’ve given you the free contusion.</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: rgb(80, 0, 80); line-height: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal"><b><span style=" ;color:black;"></span></b></p><span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Pilot -</span> The leader of the aircraft, the one person who decides if you’re going to live or die today. This guy is usually on his high horse because he is king of the vessel. Below is a slight dramatization of the pilot’s speech from my last flight. "This is your Captain speaking; we'd like to thank you choosing (insert shitty airline here) to fly to Tampa today. We should be landing in Tampa at 3:52.p.m, but don't hold me to that because I've been drinking Old Crow Whiskey and snorting lines since 9:00 a.m. I'm so lifted right now I couldn't even tell you my gender. Our cruising altitude today is going to be around 35,000 feet and winds are moving south to southwest. Not like you proletariat back in coach even care about this shit. When the fasten seat belt sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin, but while it’s on, keep your asses in the fucking seats. Now would be a good time to turn off your iPods, laptops and vibrators, for you whores out there. Even though these electronic devices have no bearing whatsoever on the success of the take off or landing, we want to be sure that you are completely alert should this plane go down. We at (less than reputable airline name) would feel terrible if you were to die on this aircraft and you missed all the fright filled action because you were sleeping to the sweet sounds of James Taylor. Also, you should be aware that if something goes awry, you will likely die. Because lets face the facts, we have nothing but mountain ranges in front of us and the whole Sully Sullenberg thing was a one-off. Now sit back and enjoy the flight, and thanks again for flying with (Bankrupt airline name)." </span></span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">The Co-Pilot - </span>He generally doesn't speak during the flight as his lips are firmly wrapped around the Captain's cock, which makes him not only an asshole, but a cocksucker. </span></span></span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><span style="line-height:115%;Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The Taxi Stand Attendants</span></span></span></b><span style="line-height:115%; Arial","sans-serif""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> – Thank you for pointing me to a cab directly in front of my face.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I could not have undertaken the task without you.</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">And finally, just a random funny picture:</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; "><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.flightsafrica.co.uk/blog_images/obese.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><img src="http://www.flightsafrica.co.uk/blog_images/obese.jpg" border="0" alt="" style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 256px; " /></span></span></a></span><br /></span></p></div>Jeanyushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01161910268913744707noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7686420508245843469.post-66668676933298546122009-03-09T13:38:00.011-04:002009-03-09T14:14:17.834-04:00Party People in the House say "Ay Oh!"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbZok3gInysuEA13b85bCZgSxBfTPydnuZf0_4s8yAgmbrSMt5eY-Aea0YgR5TXJGZZ9Uqyuu3HDfQ3eY12sxdDLeKhODhpvaHqRnYsDzUg_My-xPysjBzfmiTuJ9OD1ZA740uiz481Unp/s1600-h/house+party"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311251338655564082" style="WIDTH: 209px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbZok3gInysuEA13b85bCZgSxBfTPydnuZf0_4s8yAgmbrSMt5eY-Aea0YgR5TXJGZZ9Uqyuu3HDfQ3eY12sxdDLeKhODhpvaHqRnYsDzUg_My-xPysjBzfmiTuJ9OD1ZA740uiz481Unp/s320/house+party" border="0" /></a>I had the privilege of attending two house parties this weekend, one of them all the way in Connecticut (shout-out to my new friends in Westport… wherever on the map that is)! Even though the parties consisted primarily of people unknown to me, the similarities among certain people has led me to believe that at many parties there will be characters – those who are consistent among groups of friends and who find themselves fulfilling similar roles at every gathering. Below, I describe.<br />(Note: These descriptions are not of specific people from this weekend’s parties, just a compilation of my general party-going experiences). Throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care, and here we go...<br /><div><div><div><div><div><strong>The Star</strong> – this is the person who lives for Saturday night. This party gives him or her the chance to be the center of attention without seeming like a total a-hole. When people are drunk and in need of entertainment this person delivers, but in a way that makes you say to your friend “wow, the vodka makes him seem really talented!” You know that when the Star throws a party for his best friend, parents, or significant other, the real motivator was that he or she developed a new dance move, learned the words to the new Britney, or figured out how to incorporate juggling into the routine. This person is often secretly somewhat douche-y but hides it well – that is, until Saturday night rolls around.<br /></div><div><strong><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiRySvfc9uBGUMQSe69Tlp_6PNEnFlXm004gz3VO5ZabI6KaNl3Ob3If9JFITFnTD-pHCAbfodHs3gQYlhtnklzMJmRyCvO28Jgw4iH5JO3MmFcZ78Numm8f6t2ofjg7c5A_v1YlqEg4sn/s1600-h/drunk-guy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311249283542533362" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 142px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiRySvfc9uBGUMQSe69Tlp_6PNEnFlXm004gz3VO5ZabI6KaNl3Ob3If9JFITFnTD-pHCAbfodHs3gQYlhtnklzMJmRyCvO28Jgw4iH5JO3MmFcZ78Numm8f6t2ofjg7c5A_v1YlqEg4sn/s200/drunk-guy.jpg" border="0" /></a>The Compensator</strong> – this is the guy who has something to prove. He is the really short one among a group of tall guys, the unattractive one in a group of hot guys, or the chubby one in a group of fit guys. (Note: If you can’t see the differentiating factor, then you know what he’s compensating for.) As a result of his insecurity, this guy does “crazy” things at the party – he pees into the garbage can, takes off his shirt and rolls around in mud, or starts a snowball fight and brings it indoors where he causes destruction. Major traits of a compensator are that he is extraordinarily loud, makes raunchy/racist/sexist jokes that only totally hammered guys find funny, and often causes serious property damage. This is all in hopes that a girl will hook up with him. This rarely works.<br /></div><div><strong>The Muncher</strong> – this is the girl who parks herself by the snacks and remains there for the <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHTne8LYNF0WliEg7W4a2_7Erkin0k8z5irhHAhGzBraTKdMXfwU6olNvfK4gwCHQ19PJC1DRligNEmVfvSs_tpnka8eddZp8JtsISL5XYx3oVd5INSsspubJ_8nHN-Rm2DM2SFLPQpak6/s1600-h/cheetos.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311246246407600914" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 142px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHTne8LYNF0WliEg7W4a2_7Erkin0k8z5irhHAhGzBraTKdMXfwU6olNvfK4gwCHQ19PJC1DRligNEmVfvSs_tpnka8eddZp8JtsISL5XYx3oVd5INSsspubJ_8nHN-Rm2DM2SFLPQpak6/s200/cheetos.jpg" border="0" /></a>duration of the party, only to take quick breaks to dance and ensure that someone takes a picture of her dancing so no one remembers she spent 85% of the night with her hands in the Cheetos. The Muncher hits up the Chex mix first, picking out all the peanuts. The Muncher dips Cheez-Doodles in the Con Queso with reckless abandon (note: yes, I know con queso means “with cheese” but among my friends it is a proper noun describing a stomach blocking, neon yellow bowl of fun). This girl judges the goodness of the party by whether or not she leaves with her hands completely orange. </div><div><strong>The Hoovers</strong> – this is the couple that comes to a party, seemingly for the sole purpose of sucking face all night (hence, the name Hoovers – how clever am I?). Why do you come to a party to do something you could do in your bedroom at home? No one knows, but what they do know is that the Hoovers stop by and what you see of them all night is a rolling tumbleweed of tongues and butt-grabbing. The Hoovers usually think they are a very “hot” couple and perhaps this is why they think people want to see them make out all night. We don’t. You’re gross. Go home.</div><div><strong><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmuvr-bbnlmftxgE-VH-BC4wVM-JqQl35LA7w4v3_rXvgaY4gjq3cy0BhL9OA_5lLY5AwO-r4NyMMMcRXFyZlwkicvk378PpQV-wkllla9hP0-jA_Zn96tgCDfLj0GlNs60p88XvQ43vT3/s1600-h/old+guy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311250093989667282" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 154px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmuvr-bbnlmftxgE-VH-BC4wVM-JqQl35LA7w4v3_rXvgaY4gjq3cy0BhL9OA_5lLY5AwO-r4NyMMMcRXFyZlwkicvk378PpQV-wkllla9hP0-jA_Zn96tgCDfLj0GlNs60p88XvQ43vT3/s200/old+guy.jpg" border="0" /></a>The Uncle Herbert</strong> – this is the oddly old person who somehow always gets wind of parties and shows up. No one knows how he became part of the group, who knew him originally, or why he continues to show up now that everyone is well past the age of needing help buying beer. This guy gets belligerently drunk and tries to get everyone to have a fun nickname for him ala “Frank the Tank”, but sadly everyone just calls him “Weird Old Guy” or “Gene”.<br /><strong></strong></div><div><strong>The Girl Clan</strong> – we all know what this is, and I admit I’ve been guilty of being a part of it. This is the crew of girls who cannot be separated, as though their remaining intact is critical to the survival of mankind. Nothing can separate this dedicated group – from powerhour, to dancing, to late night vomiting, the only thing that can tear these girls apart is when the party ends. Or when a hot guy talks to one of them. Or when the new case of Keystone Lite comes around. Or when the Muncher has her Cheetos taken away, prompting a kitchen rampage.</div><div><strong>The Groper</strong> – this is the guy who is blackout drunk within what seems like 10 minutes of his <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwPC9MLdYNmRRWv35s2WQPJx8Zj6JzqKInDbaldJz3V32_JH3a5yUhx5B9mWGXadw8F2C3wicC11mkrd-1_90QuJ97lpIu_VEiZeOU20mSnXxc_ZCWYRHuMIC65sDrY9DKdKG6Cd_FKM6R/s1600-h/grabber.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311252158918700834" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 146px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwPC9MLdYNmRRWv35s2WQPJx8Zj6JzqKInDbaldJz3V32_JH3a5yUhx5B9mWGXadw8F2C3wicC11mkrd-1_90QuJ97lpIu_VEiZeOU20mSnXxc_ZCWYRHuMIC65sDrY9DKdKG6Cd_FKM6R/s200/grabber.jpg" border="0" /></a>arrival and from there on out, feels up anything breathing. He gets inappropriately close to guys, whispering in their ears and leaving a drool train. He hugs everyone, even when someone is leaving to go to the bathroom. He goes up to a group of girls and somehow has touched every breast in the group by the time he moves on. This is the guy who tells you he knows where the “secret bathroom” is – and tries to accompany you. He’s a total creeper and should be avoided at all times. Unless, you know, you like that sort of thing. </div><div><strong><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUH6M8LUREDcGgS-O_ESExh4m0YqypERuuygh9eoNN9M8b9CLR3JhDQqBYpRCss2bkmqzK0SFeXo1hAlWrQ5AOsdE86XVQV58N2xUrh6LD8vCnfNdQyl2JlzUE13qOhgjFLMy51_NiggOo/s1600-h/facebook+girls+lindsay.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311248283017345922" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUH6M8LUREDcGgS-O_ESExh4m0YqypERuuygh9eoNN9M8b9CLR3JhDQqBYpRCss2bkmqzK0SFeXo1hAlWrQ5AOsdE86XVQV58N2xUrh6LD8vCnfNdQyl2JlzUE13qOhgjFLMy51_NiggOo/s200/facebook+girls+lindsay.jpg" border="0" /></a>The Facebook Cover Girl</strong> – this is a guy or girl whose sole goal at the party is to be in as many pictures, doing as many “fun” things as possible, so that the whole Facebook world knows how cool and popular and good looking he or she is. The female FCG often has a pose – the peace sign, the suck-in cheeks kissy face, the wide-eyed “I look so inadvertently hot” look, and she uses it with alarming frequency. The male FCG waits until the camera comes by and puts on the male FCG moves: chugging straight from a bottle of Smirnoff, pretending to punch a guy in the face, or making the “Look how many girls I have around me, I’m a pimp!” pose. The FCGs love the camera, love tags, and love attention. You’ll know a FCG when he or she has 1,000+ Facebook tags (girl) or 300+ tags (guy).<br /></div><div>Please feel free to add more "types" that I may have overlooked. I was so overwhelmed this weekend that I might have missed out on some less obvious, yet equally amusing party characters.<br /></div><br /><div>Lindsay</div></div></div></div></div>Lil Roundhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13217022455808248014noreply@blogger.com2