Los Turistas

Everyone loves traveling (for leisure). But no one wants to be "that tourist" - you know: annoying, stands out, and inadvertently acts like a droopy asshole. The fact of the matter is, most people do. And the first mistake? Breaking out the fanny pack. Here is a list of annoying and nonsensical things tourists do:

Stopping in the middle of a busy street - One of my biggest peeves is walking down the street, especially in NYC, and tourists (even NYCers for that matter) just stop for no good reason. They might stop to get something out of their bag, take a picture, or check their phone, and literally expect no one to be behind them - like they're standing in their driveway in Nowhere, Delaware. Sometimes I wish I wear a shirt with knives in the front, so if some dumbass stops right in front of me, they get what's coming to them -- a gutting. Sadistic? Yes. Appropriate? More so. This type of shit is even worse when tourists just stop in front of the stairs for the subway staring at an NYC map. That seriously makes me want to crescent kick them in the spine and then enjoy watching them clumsily tumble down the stairs.

Making right turns from the far left lane because they're idiots - When they're not tourists, meaning they're back home (for you slow ones), they (should) drive like normal human beings. But for some reason, when they are out of their element, all of a sudden they become a 15 year old with a permit behind the wheel and drive like complete assholes. I've seen drivers try and cut across the street from the left turn lane to make a right turn because they fucked up. C'mon! Also is the other extreme when tourists or even dipshit drivers for that matter are too afraid to turn left on a yield on green.

Eating like a fucking infant - I love food; and food loves me. I can't stand it when tourists from all over go to visit big cities with wonderful cuisine and CHOOSE to eat at the Olive Garden or the ONE FUCKING APPLEBEES in NYC. Are you serious?! You have the ability to eat food prepared by world renowned chefs, but instead you want to order from a menu with goddamn pictures. Man, that pisses me off. Matter of fact, I’m so hot and bothered about it; I’m going to need to re-wipe my ass...

Taking their sweet ass time - Dear Tourists who come to big cities like NYC and Chicago and think they can go to a Starbucks in a highly-trafficked business area at peak times and stand there and order double frappachino mocha lattés for their wife and kids and take 10 min picking out pastry,

No one here likes you and we all want to watch your entire family, including your child with downs syndrome, get hacked to pieces for inconveniencing our day.

All Our Love,

Big City Dickheads

Taking stupid pictures - I don't know why this bothers me, but it really irks me when I see a tourist taking a picture of their family or whatever and just by looking at how they're taking the picture, you know its going to look horrible. Because lets be honest, no one even looks at pictures of just objects and your family is fucking ugly, so save the rest of us from the grief of dealing with you. The worst is when your family is on one side of the street, standing in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral or something and you're on the other side of the street taking the picture so that you can get whatever fuckin' monument you are trying to capture in the background. Do you really think it makes sense for your family or spouse or whatever to even bother smiling?! They're going to look like tiny turds in the picture when you are standing 50 fucking feet away taking a picture with your Canon point and shoot.

Fake Celebrity News

Let me first say that like many, I can be victim to the "point of sale" purchases. You know, you're at the grocery store and you are about to check out, but you end up buying a pack of gum, nail clippers and a magazine. But there is one phenomenon at the checkout aisle that is complete nonsense: fake celebrity news magazines. Now I am not a complete hater of "fake news". I think the Onion is great - shit, I even wrote a fake news story in our blog de-friending leads to beatdown. However, the purpose of these publications are simply comedic.

Fake celebrity magazines like National Enquirer completely boggle my mind. I mean, the amount of press REAL celebrity news gets is already dumbfounding. It amazes me that people know more about what Jennifer Anniston's queefs smell like more than what is going on in the world. But to make fake celebrity news up that people will buy?! It really says alot about the type of society we live and HAVE lived in. I mean, the National Enquirer has been around for as long as I can remember. People actually buy into this crap. Its really sad to me. I apologize I couldn't make this post funnier; this is just something so nonsensical, I had to get it out there.