Search This Blog

De-friending Leads to Beatdown


In the first reported case of its kind, a high school senior from Columbus Ohio, long regarded as the most "amateur city" in the country, received a healthy serving of battering to the face and body by another classmate due to Facebook "de-friending".  Senior Justin Fuller received a royal beat down from Chuck Hillensworth for de-friending him on Facebook.  When pressed about the incident Hillensworth stated, "No one (expletive) de-friends me! Who does that anyway?! I'm the Chuckster!  I have over 1000 Facebook friends for good (expletive) reason!  Sheeeit, I turned that punk into ground CHUCK."

The two young men both attend the same high school, which provided good indication as to why and how the confrontation took place.   When asked about getting served, Fuller commented through his wired-shut jaw, "He's still in high school and already has over 1000 friends; I don't know why he took it so personally.  I hope someone creates a Facebook group about 'People Against Chuck Hillensworth'."

When questioned about the cause for de-friending, classmates indicated that Hillensworth is a notorious wall poster, group inviter and application forwarder.  "I, like, could totally see how Justin got, like, a little annoyed," said classmate, Stacy Knoll.  It is believed that the excessive "feeds" about Chuck that Fuller received every time he logged into Facebook led him to the decision to de-friend Hillensworth.  "I just want to be able to read what is happening in the lives of others.  Chuck wasn't even that great of a friend.  He has never even invited me to one his parties after Friday night football games." 

The incident sparked outrage in the community.  "I cannot believe the impact Facebook is having on people's lives.  It's absolute nonsense!" said Bill Negroponte, father of three ugly girls.  Hillensworth faces expulsion from the school and felony charges by local authorities.  "Good!" said Hillensworth, "anything to get out of this (rhymes with hit) hole of a town." 

When asked for comment, Facebook representatives simply stated, "We are deeply disturbed by this terrible incident and even more put off by the fact that Justin seems to be such a p*ssy.  Chuck's profile will be terminated immediately, but we must say that we are surprised at the amount of friends he was able to amass while still in high school and living in the godforsaken city--if you can even call it that--of Columbus, Ohio.  However, we doubt he's truly 'friends' with all of them."

In a similar incident, Burger King, makers of the delicious Whopper, recession-friendly Whopper Jr. and bush-league french fries, ran an unusual promotion several months back, in which people who de-friended 10 people received a free Whopper (a value of under $3).  Unexpectedly, a brash wave of suicides followed due to kids suffering from crushed self-esteems as a result of the mass 'de-friendations.'  The controversy has tarnished the Burger King reputation as being a corporate community leader.  "We're not worried," said the King of Burger, "We have new commercials coming out that are really funny. People will have to stop being T.O.'d at us."


Post a Comment