This blog post topic is about body hair, scientifically known as androgenic hair. This topic was recommended by my good pal, Loren, and therefore written in his honor – one of the hairiest friend I know; Actually, my hairiest friend.
But Loren did not give me any other direction. He left the artistic canvas fairly open. So I pondered and pondered, trying to figure out which way to go. Do I write about how nonsensical hairy dudes must think it to be, the copious amount of body hair bestowed upon them? Do I write about how nonsensical it is that there are women out there who think the more body hair the more they are turned on? Or what about the opposite? Women with, ...ahem, semblance of a woolly mammoth.
So here goes a ADD inspired survey of body hair.
Now, I wont say that body hair is complete nonsense, because we DID evolve from apes. However, what is crazy, is the disparity in amount of body hair between people – even those within the same ethnic background. I mean, I can’t think of another species where this holds true. Its not like you see a type of horse that is WAAAY hairier than another horse of the same kind. Why is it that I have a small patch of hair on my chest, cannot even grow a legitimate beard in at age 27, yet someone like my buddy Loren has permanent Jumpin Jammerz
Why is it that if you are a short bald man, chances are your body is covered in fur?
Side note memory: I can recall this morning several years back when I was getting to leave for work and was getting my coat from the closet. It was early in the morning and pretty dark in the condo. As I am getting said coat, I hear Loren’s bedroom door open and peer over, only to witness a naked sasquatch come out and sneak into the bathroom. No joke, it was full on big foot.
Ok, so, I know all you literaries (Editor: Is that a real word?) out there reading this are saying, “Dude, body hair is all about testosterone levels, hormones and genetics.” Well I say, “Its still nonsense.” I mean, a woman with a facial hair? WTF?! Have any of you seen a lioness with a full mane of hair?
I guess I’m not really sure where I am going with this other than to say that I’m dumbfounded by the differences in the amount of body hair people have.
Inspired by the awesome “Really?!” with Seth Meyers from SNL, I will periodically be doing “For Serious?!” with Lindsay. Some may call it a rip-off, some may call it intellectual property infringement, but I call it “genius”.
· The Post published a cartoon of two cops shooting a monkey and saying “Now who is going to write the stimulus bill?” or something like that. For serious? Post editor, what the hell is going on in your brain? Even if this isn’t supposed to be racist, couldn’t you just err on the side of caution and have the cartoonist change the monkey to a bunny, or a horse, or a walking coffee mug? Anything besides a primate, dude! Sidenote, I am now nervous for the next Madoff spoof: if they keep this editor, they could have a horned devil-beast or a vampire bat wearing a yarmulke representing the guy. Ah, symbolism.
· Chris Brown says in his apology to Rihanna that he is seeking the counsel of God and his Mom. For serious? Chris, you need to deal with a trained professional – preferably one who has a boxing ring and a kangaroo wearing armor to help you “work out your issues”. I'm rooting for the kangaroo.
· The signs on the subway that applaud the MTA for the
· Jessica Simpson says she is a difficult girlfriend to have because, among other things, she “toots under the sheets.” For serious, Jessica? You’re going through a huge scandal right now, one essentially revolving around whether or not you are still attractive. Why the hell are you talking about your gas-related issues? Jess, you need to get guys to want to bang you again if you want anyone to go to your shows, because guess what, your singing probably isn’t what people see you for. Let’s stop talking about flatulence, and start discussing your love of things men like. A quick list of suggestions:
- Hot chicks
- Tequila shots
- Anything involving a sports ring and/or nonsense violence
- The new 90210
I mean Jess, ANYTHING is better than your gas! Except discussing how you like to wear skorts to perform. Wait you talked about that too? You should go see about whether next month’s International Cheese Fest has booked entertainment…
The two young men both attend the same high school, which provided good indication as to why and how the confrontation took place. When asked about getting served, Fuller commented through his wired-shut jaw, "He's still in high school and already has over 1000 friends; I don't know why he took it so personally. I hope someone creates a Facebook group about 'People Against Chuck Hillensworth'."
When questioned about the cause for de-friending, classmates indicated that Hillensworth is a notorious wall poster, group inviter and application forwarder. "I, like, could totally see how Justin got, like, a little annoyed," said classmate, Stacy Knoll. It is believed that the excessive "feeds" about Chuck that Fuller received every time he logged into Facebook led him to the decision to de-friend Hillensworth. "I just want to be able to read what is happening in the lives of others. Chuck wasn't even that great of a friend. He has never even invited me to one his parties after Friday night football games."
The incident sparked outrage in the community. "I cannot believe the impact Facebook is having on people's lives. It's absolute nonsense!" said Bill Negroponte, father of three ugly girls. Hillensworth faces expulsion from the school and felony charges by local authorities. "Good!" said Hillensworth, "anything to get out of this (rhymes with hit) hole of a town."
When asked for comment, Facebook representatives simply stated, "We are deeply disturbed by this terrible incident and even more put off by the fact that Justin seems to be such a p*ssy. Chuck's profile will be terminated immediately, but we must say that we are surprised at the amount of friends he was able to amass while still in high school and living in the godforsaken city--if you can even call it that--of Columbus, Ohio. However, we doubt he's truly 'friends' with all of them."
In a similar incident, Burger King, makers of the delicious Whopper, recession-friendly Whopper Jr. and bush-league french fries, ran an unusual promotion several months back, in which people who de-friended 10 people received a free Whopper (a value of under $3). Unexpectedly, a brash wave of suicides followed due to kids suffering from crushed self-esteems as a result of the mass 'de-friendations.' The controversy has tarnished the Burger King reputation as being a corporate community leader. "We're not worried," said the King of Burger, "We have new commercials coming out that are really funny. People will have to stop being T.O.'d at us."
Shout out to my buddy Don for suggesting this topic. Don, I could not agree with you more. Security verification words on websites - what a load of CRAP! I mean, who came up with this genius idea to require users to enter unrecognizable words or text to gain access to a website? I guess the words or text are not that hard to decipher...IF YOU ARE ROBOCOP or on (insert drug of choice here). Its actually a great idea if you don't want ANY users to gain access to your website. I have LITERALLY missed out on concert tickets on Ticketmaster because I could not determine their security words. Are there like special glasses I need that no one gave me the heads up on?