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My Hair(y) Lady


This blog post topic is about body hair, scientifically known as androgenic hair. This topic was recommended by my good pal, Loren, and therefore written in his honor – one of the hairiest friend I know; Actually, my hairiest friend.

But Loren did not give me any other direction. He left the artistic canvas fairly open. So I pondered and pondered, trying to figure out which way to go. Do I write about how nonsensical hairy dudes must think it to be, the copious amount of body hair bestowed upon them? Do I write about how nonsensical it is that there are women out there who think the more body hair the more they are turned on? Or what about the opposite? Women with, ...ahem, semblance of a woolly mammoth.

So here goes a ADD inspired survey of body hair.

Now, I wont say that body hair is complete nonsense, because we DID evolve from apes. However, what is crazy, is the disparity in amount of body hair between people – even those within the same ethnic background. I mean, I can’t think of another species where this holds true. Its not like you see a type of horse that is WAAAY hairier than another horse of the same kind. Why is it that I have a small patch of hair on my chest, cannot even grow a legitimate beard in at age 27, yet someone like my buddy Loren has permanent Jumpin Jammerz
Why is it that if you are a short bald man, chances are your body is covered in fur?

Side note memory: I can recall this morning several years back when I was getting to leave for work and was getting my coat from the closet. It was early in the morning and pretty dark in the condo. As I am getting said coat, I hear Loren’s bedroom door open and peer over, only to witness a naked sasquatch come out and sneak into the bathroom. No joke, it was full on big foot.

Ok, so, I know all you literaries (Editor: Is that a real word?) out there reading this are saying, “Dude, body hair is all about testosterone levels, hormones and genetics.” Well I say, “Its still nonsense.” I mean, a woman with a facial hair? WTF?! Have any of you seen a lioness with a full mane of hair?

I guess I’m not really sure where I am going with this other than to say that I’m dumbfounded by the differences in the amount of body hair people have.

My Version of an SNL skit.... No it's not Coffee Talk, thanks for asking


Inspired by the awesome “Really?!” with Seth Meyers from SNL, I will periodically be doing “For Serious?!” with Lindsay. Some may call it a rip-off, some may call it intellectual property infringement, but I call it “genius”.

· The Post published a cartoon of two cops shooting a monkey and saying “Now who is going to write the stimulus bill?” or something like that. For serious? Post editor, what the hell is going on in your brain? Even if this isn’t supposed to be racist, couldn’t you just err on the side of caution and have the cartoonist change the monkey to a bunny, or a horse, or a walking coffee mug? Anything besides a primate, dude! Sidenote, I am now nervous for the next Madoff spoof: if they keep this editor, they could have a horned devil-beast or a vampire bat wearing a yarmulke representing the guy. Ah, symbolism.

· Chris Brown says in his apology to Rihanna that he is seeking the counsel of God and his Mom. For serious? Chris, you need to deal with a trained professional – preferably one who has a boxing ring and a kangaroo wearing armor to help you “work out your issues”. I'm rooting for the kangaroo.

· The signs on the subway that applaud the MTA for the 2nd Avenue subway opening in… wait… 2015. For serious?! You are already soliciting New Yorkers for praise because of a new subway coming in 6 years? Wow MTA, you have some serious cajones on you. Because when I am being sandwiched between a little Asian man with long nails and a bag of strange smelling groceries and a large white woman with black lip liner, huge hoop earrings poking me in the eye, and a booming iPod at 9am, I'm not really in the mood to be you know, “congratulating” you guys on your amazing foresight. Oh ONE train for the whole East side wasn’t enough? Wow who would have known! You guys better get on that… in 15 years! Yay!

· Jessica Simpson says she is a difficult girlfriend to have because, among other things, she “toots under the sheets.” For serious, Jessica? You’re going through a huge scandal right now, one essentially revolving around whether or not you are still attractive. Why the hell are you talking about your gas-related issues? Jess, you need to get guys to want to bang you again if you want anyone to go to your shows, because guess what, your singing probably isn’t what people see you for. Let’s stop talking about flatulence, and start discussing your love of things men like. A quick list of suggestions:

  • Hot chicks
  •  Hoagies
  •  Tequila shots
  •  Anything involving a sports ring and/or nonsense violence
  •  The new 90210

I mean Jess, ANYTHING is better than your gas! Except discussing how you like to wear skorts to perform. Wait you talked about that too? You should go see about whether next month’s International Cheese Fest has booked entertainment…


De-friending Leads to Beatdown


In the first reported case of its kind, a high school senior from Columbus Ohio, long regarded as the most "amateur city" in the country, received a healthy serving of battering to the face and body by another classmate due to Facebook "de-friending".  Senior Justin Fuller received a royal beat down from Chuck Hillensworth for de-friending him on Facebook.  When pressed about the incident Hillensworth stated, "No one (expletive) de-friends me! Who does that anyway?! I'm the Chuckster!  I have over 1000 Facebook friends for good (expletive) reason!  Sheeeit, I turned that punk into ground CHUCK."

The two young men both attend the same high school, which provided good indication as to why and how the confrontation took place.   When asked about getting served, Fuller commented through his wired-shut jaw, "He's still in high school and already has over 1000 friends; I don't know why he took it so personally.  I hope someone creates a Facebook group about 'People Against Chuck Hillensworth'."

When questioned about the cause for de-friending, classmates indicated that Hillensworth is a notorious wall poster, group inviter and application forwarder.  "I, like, could totally see how Justin got, like, a little annoyed," said classmate, Stacy Knoll.  It is believed that the excessive "feeds" about Chuck that Fuller received every time he logged into Facebook led him to the decision to de-friend Hillensworth.  "I just want to be able to read what is happening in the lives of others.  Chuck wasn't even that great of a friend.  He has never even invited me to one his parties after Friday night football games." 

The incident sparked outrage in the community.  "I cannot believe the impact Facebook is having on people's lives.  It's absolute nonsense!" said Bill Negroponte, father of three ugly girls.  Hillensworth faces expulsion from the school and felony charges by local authorities.  "Good!" said Hillensworth, "anything to get out of this (rhymes with hit) hole of a town." 

When asked for comment, Facebook representatives simply stated, "We are deeply disturbed by this terrible incident and even more put off by the fact that Justin seems to be such a p*ssy.  Chuck's profile will be terminated immediately, but we must say that we are surprised at the amount of friends he was able to amass while still in high school and living in the godforsaken city--if you can even call it that--of Columbus, Ohio.  However, we doubt he's truly 'friends' with all of them."

In a similar incident, Burger King, makers of the delicious Whopper, recession-friendly Whopper Jr. and bush-league french fries, ran an unusual promotion several months back, in which people who de-friended 10 people received a free Whopper (a value of under $3).  Unexpectedly, a brash wave of suicides followed due to kids suffering from crushed self-esteems as a result of the mass 'de-friendations.'  The controversy has tarnished the Burger King reputation as being a corporate community leader.  "We're not worried," said the King of Burger, "We have new commercials coming out that are really funny. People will have to stop being T.O.'d at us."

Bong-gate + Watergate = BongWaterGate?


So it seems that the Michael Phelps "Bong-gate", as it has so cleverly been dubbed by the press (and by "press", I mean is coming to a close. There will be no charges pressed against Phelps for the photo of him hitting a bong full of "a tobacco like substance".  However, EIGHT students from South Carolina were arrested on charges relating to marijuana. 

Really? Am I the only one who thinks this is totally nonsensical?  We are living through the worst economic crisis since the Depression, finishing up (hopefully) a war, watching essentially as the Middle East implodes and all the while cops in the US are arresting college students for having enough pot to fill a bong? Hopefully these kids have parents smart enough to start threatening the SC police department with never-ending law suits. 

And thankfully, at least Phelps was let off. I say that because we expect so much of celebrities in this country and the second they do something "normal" (yes, smoking pot isn't normal for everyone but lets just go with this one, shall we?), we jump on them like hyenas on an elephant (this is a reference based solely on the film The Lion King, please check your encyclopedia for verification).  Phelps won like 12 gold medals, has been practicing swimming every single day for years, and we begrudge him a bong hit once in a while? Please, could that be any more ridiculous? The people who are the most vehemently opposed to his pot smoking (SC cops, city councilmen, various "religious" white trash) are probably among the fattest, laziest, slobbiest people in the country, who couldn't swim one lap in a pool if their lives depended on it!  I can see these people now, fried chicken buckets resting on stomachs, drunk on a few King Cobras (thank you, Adam, for teaching me about that) and ranting and raving about their "hero" getting stoned.  Somehow these people find justification in demonizing a world-class athlete for taking a break after completing the most grueling training anyone could imagine, and being a normal 22 year old. 

To emphasize the ridiculousness of the above, I have come up with a list of things more "dangerous" to society than a Michigan University-educated, goofy as hell, record breaking athlete getting high off of a bong:

1)      Bill O'Reilly left without cue cards

2)      An angry Latino woman on the subway

3)      Lindsay Lohan being told its "last man standing" at a casting call for the next Hanes spokesperson

4)      A kitten with a sharpened pencil

Until cops start arresting the abovementioned characters, I think it's pretty safe to leave Michael Phelps and other college kids to their pot-smoking ways.  (Editor's Note: you probably shouldn't give a sharpened pencil to either a kitten or a stoned college kid – just to be safe).


Security Verification Words - Are You Kidding Me?!


Shout out to my buddy Don for suggesting this topic.  Don, I could not agree with you more.
Security verification words on websites - what a load of CRAP!  I mean, who came up with this genius idea to require users to enter unrecognizable words or text to gain access to a website?  I guess the words or text are not that hard to decipher...IF YOU ARE ROBOCOP or on (insert drug of choice here).  Its actually a great idea if you don't want ANY users to gain access to your website.     I have LITERALLY missed out on concert tickets on Ticketmaster because I could not determine their security words.   Are there like special glasses I need that no one gave me the heads up on? 

Why the f*ck don't words just show up in plain readable font?  Listen, I totally understand wanting to prevent fraud, hackers, unauthorized access -  but for the love of black Jesus, use words like "Car" or "Tree", not .  $50 if anyone can tell me what the first word is ...And is that an accent over the "e" in odeon?!  How do you even type that?! Unfuckinbelievable.

Hey, I wont say that its IMPOSSIBLE for me to decipher the words or text that I see on different sites, but I also have pretty damn good vision.  It also helps when I luck out with an easily viewable word.  But why is it like playing the raffle to see if you get words or texts that you can actually read?  Why is it that on the same site, they sometimes give you plain 4 letter words and other times, you get NONSENSE!  "Rhinoceroshead"...I mean, WTF! 

And what about old people?  Do they just miss out on access to a large chunk of the Internet? Although, how funny would it be to see some old granny beat the shit out of her PC (or Macs, for all you manginas out there) out of frustration, because she wasn't able to complete her order of Metamucil from

I know everyone reading this can feel me on this.  I tell ya, complete effing nonsense.


Welcome to Poor Man's Caviar

Welcome all to Poor Man's Caviar - a blog site written by the first man of earth, Adam, and the princess of the past and present life, Lindsay. Our goal is to present our perspective at discerning all things that we as people encounter - especially those that are largely viewed as absolute nonsense. We will be humorous in our writing (or at least try) and will often times come off as crude (more so Adam) to some.  We welcome all critiques as well as topics you'd like us to discuss.  Happy reading.........and know...if you're a blogger.

A Brief Opinion of the Day of Valentine From a Male and Female Perspective

Adam's Perspective

Critical Disclaimer: The use of girlfriend in this blog should be treating like the you (general) that you all have learned about in language arts class.  I am not referring to my current girlfriend in the below, because she's the best thing since DVR (self props), but rather referring to girlfriend in the general form and from past experiences and observances. 

Valentine's Day is almost here all!!!!  Ugh, I'd rather defecate myself.  I could not think of a more obnoxious day. Wikipedia says that "in the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine's cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery."  Confectionary?! Really?! What a crock.  If I gave a girlfriend a box of chocolate, here's what would happen:

Me: "Baby, I got you some amazing chocolates from Looks Likes Poop Pellets Chocolate Store.  Each piece is 60% cocoa!  (pronounced "ka'ko'a")

Girlfriend: "That's thoughtful.  It's so great to know that you want me to get fatter!"

Me: "Holy fuck, I was just trying to be sweet!"

Girlfiend: "Well, you're right…you tried.  I hope you like your girlfriend like you like your Campbell's soup – Chunky!"   

Everyone (or the 6 of you who read this blog), here's the reality: February 14th is a day for men to feel like little shriveled wieners because what they did/do for their special someone "wasn't or isn't good enough."  For the last few Valentine's Days, I've actually felt like it was Yom Kippur and I was atoning for sins.  I mean, shit, it's for a holiday (how can you even call it that?!) that is named after two, among the numerous, Early Christian martyrs named Valentine.  I'M A FUCKING JEW – how did our people even get sucked into this?!  I'll tell you how - assimilation.  We Jews want to be like everyone else, but I digress; I will save that topic for another time. 

V-Day is really a day about women, not about "lovers expressing love for each other."  I really think that they should call February 14 "Hope You Got Money to Spend, Fellas, Otherwise Expect to Make Sweet Sweet Love With Yourself Day."  And if V-day is during the work week, you better get your woman the best flowers money can buy, because you know all the women in the office will be comparing and contrasting flower arrangements.  Thank you, 2009, for making V-Day  on Saturday this year.

With that said, I have gone through hoops to make sure my special someone has the best Valentine 's Day ever. Yup, I'm a hapless sap.  And that my friends, is making sense out of the nonsensical. 

Lindsay's Perspective

Editors note - this doesn't really apply to my boyfriend, because he's awesome. But it will apply to him if he doesn't do something nice on Saturday. 

Valentines Day – dreaded by the single, loved by the coupled, hated by men everywhere.  Men make various arguments about why they hate Valentines Day – "its stupid", "its promoted by the card companies", "flowers are expensive", and my favorite, the ubiquitous – "its gay" (I still don't know how that makes sense but alright, dudes).  An opinion article on expounded on the standard tirades against Valentines Day, really examining the holiday and making some more sophisticated – at the very least more verbose – arguments about its ridiculousness.  Mr. Roland Martin, if you read his article, is super duper serial about being angry at Valentines Day. He says that "if I sent my flowers at other times during the year, why do I have to fall victim to peer pressure and send her some roses that have quadrupled in price leading up to February 14?"  Oh I'm sorry, men of the world, did I miss all the times that you guys just send your girlfriends flowers for no reason?  Yeah, you're all right, its SO selfish of women to want flowers on Valentines Day when you're all just inundating us with bouquets all year 'round.  It's like men imagine us at work, our desks containing so much flora and fauna that we can't even see our computer screens, and us getting our Valentine's Day flower deliveries and going "Sigh, more flowers…oh just throw these dozen roses over there, next to the ficus tree, behind the calla lilies, in front of the giant cactus (editors note – yea I like cacti, so what? They're cool)."  I mean men make these arguments that they shouldn't need a day where they're forced to show women how much they love us but guess what, gents– most of you do! You really really do.  

Another point that Martin makes is that women compare with each other – "Then there are the women on the job who measure the love of their men based on those flowers. You know how some folks are. If there are flowers on the desk of 10 other women, and one woman doesn't have anything, folks get to talking and whispering as if something is wrong in her relationship."  Can I just say firstly that there is something so incredibly sexist sounding about saying "women on the job".   It makes me think of women sitting around in a steno-pool, chatting about our new nylons, nailpolish, and how much krinoline to put under our skirts. But I digress. Yes, Martin, we compare with each other. But don't men do the same about most things? Don't you all talk about how much sex you're getting, what great meal your girlfriends made you, which girlfriend was cool enough to buy you that Bret Favre jersey you wanted for your birthday? Yeah, of course you do. So obviously when there's a day where we're all getting stuff delivered at work you can't help but compare. 

I have to say, I think Valentine's Day is kinda silly.  I get why men think it's dumb, I really do. But you know what, its one day a year, its not like every time American Idol is on you have to be nice to us.  So men, buy your girlfriend some shit with hearts on it, take her somewhere cool, tell her she's special in whatever way and just deal because being nice to your girlfriend isn't going to kill you.  And, boys, if you're good, you will probably get some serious headboard pounding later that night, so its really a win-win, no?