Critical Disclaimer: The use of girlfriend in this blog should be treating like the you (general) that you all have learned about in language arts class.I am not referring to my current girlfriend in the below, because she's the best thing since DVR (self props), but rather referring to girlfriend in the general form and from past experiences and observances.
Valentine's Day is almost here all!!!!Ugh, I'd rather defecate myself.I could not think of a more obnoxious day.Wikipedia says that "in the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sendingValentine's cards,presenting flowers, or offeringconfectionery."Confectionary?! Really?! What a crock. If I gave a girlfriend a box of chocolate, here's what would happen:
Me: "Baby, I got you some amazing chocolates from Looks Likes Poop Pellets Chocolate Store.Each piece is 60% cocoa!(pronounced "ka'ko'a")
Girlfriend: "That's thoughtful.It's so great to know that you want me to get fatter!"
Me: "Holy fuck, I was just trying to be sweet!"
Girlfiend: "Well, you're right…you tried.I hope you like your girlfriend like you like your Campbell's soup – Chunky!"
Everyone (or the 6 of you who read this blog), here's the reality: February 14th is a day for men to feel like little shriveled wieners because what they did/do for their special someone "wasn't or isn't good enough."For the last few Valentine's Days, I've actually felt like it was Yom Kippur and I was atoning for sins.I mean, shit, it's for a holiday (how can you even call it that?!) that is named after two, among the numerous, Early ChristianmartyrsnamedValentine. I'M A FUCKING JEW – how did our people even get sucked into this?!I'll tell you how - assimilation.We Jews want to be like everyone else, but I digress; I will save that topic for another time.
V-Day is really a day about women, not about "lovers expressing love for each other."I really think that they should call February 14 "Hope You Got Money to Spend, Fellas, Otherwise Expect to Make Sweet Sweet Love With Yourself Day."And if V-day is during the work week, you better get your woman the best flowers money can buy, because you know all the women in the office will be comparing and contrasting flower arrangements.Thank you, 2009, for making V-Day on Saturday this year.
With that said, I have gone through hoops to make sure my special someone has the best Valentine 's Day ever.Yup, I'm a hapless sap.And that my friends, is making sense out of the nonsensical.
Editors note - this doesn't really apply to my boyfriend, because he's awesome. But it will apply to him if he doesn't do something nice on Saturday.
Valentines Day – dreaded by the single, loved by the coupled, hated by men everywhere.Men make various arguments about why they hate Valentines Day – "its stupid", "its promoted by the card companies", "flowers are expensive", and my favorite, the ubiquitous – "its gay" (I still don't know how that makes sense but alright, dudes).An opinion article on CNN.com expounded on the standard tirades against Valentines Day, really examining the holiday and making some more sophisticated – at the very least more verbose – arguments about its ridiculousness. Mr. Roland Martin, if you read his article, is super duper serial about being angry at Valentines Day. He says that "if I sent my flowers at other times during the year, why do I have to fall victim to peer pressure and send her some roses that have quadrupled in price leading up to February 14?"Oh I'm sorry, men of the world, did I miss all the times that you guys just send your girlfriends flowers for no reason?Yeah, you're all right, its SO selfish of women to want flowers on Valentines Day when you're all just inundating us with bouquets all year 'round.It's like men imagine us at work, our desks containing so much flora and fauna that we can't even see our computer screens, and us getting our Valentine's Day flower deliveries and going "Sigh, more flowers…oh just throw these dozen roses over there, next to the ficus tree, behind the calla lilies, in front of the giant cactus (editors note – yea I like cacti, so what? They're cool)."I mean men make these arguments that they shouldn't need a day where they're forced to show women how much they love us but guess what, gents– most of you do! You really really do.
Another point that Martin makes is that women compare with each other – "Then there are the women on the job who measure the love of their men based on those flowers. You know how some folks are. If there are flowers on the desk of 10 other women, and one woman doesn't have anything, folks get to talking and whispering as if something is wrong in her relationship."Can I just say firstly that there is something so incredibly sexist sounding about saying "women on the job".It makes me think of women sitting around in a steno-pool, chatting about our new nylons, nailpolish, and how much krinoline to put under our skirts. But I digress. Yes, Martin, we compare with each other. But don't men do the same about most things? Don't you all talk about how much sex you're getting, what great meal your girlfriends made you, which girlfriend was cool enough to buy you that Bret Favre jersey you wanted for your birthday? Yeah, of course you do. So obviously when there's a day where we're all getting stuff delivered at work you can't help but compare.
I have to say, I think Valentine's Day is kinda silly.I get why men think it's dumb, I really do.But you know what, its one day a year, its not like every time American Idol is on you have to be nice to us.So men, buy your girlfriend some shit with hearts on it, take her somewhere cool, tell her she's special in whatever way and just deal because being nice to your girlfriend isn't going to kill you.And, boys, if you're good, you will probably get some serious headboard pounding later that night, so its really a win-win, no?