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Bouncers, Drunks, and Cover Charge - Oh, My!


Bars, clubs and lounges comprise an area of great importance to those of us who “like to party”, ala the Vengaboys.  But the entrance process is the one thing that can really put a damper on your fun buzz (other than long bathroom lines and flat hair, right ladies?! Hayyy!).   Between the bouncers, the covers, and the douche bags, the whole ordeal of entering a venue can be often ridiculous and frustrating.  

The “My Job Is More Important Than Anything You Can Ever Imagine” Bouncer:  You know this guy and you know him well – he stands, arms crossed, large tree legs steadily balancing his large frame, eyes narrowed as you approach.  There’s no smile, no joy, no sense of irony regarding the work that is being performed.  He acts as though my friends and I – all feminine ladies, mostly under 5’7”, certainly in high heels that render us incapable of flight or even motility – are a legitimate threat to the safety and well being of the other party goers.   These guys want to be taken so seriously that they treat people as though they’re in custody or completing a line up.  I’m confused as to what they are trying to prove.  If they’d like people to know that they are a force with which to be reckoned, I’d say it’s pretty much a safe bet that their 6’10”, 290 pound behemoth bodies accomplish that goal sufficiently without the offensive attitude and delusions of grandeur. 

The Sexual Discrimination Bouncer – I think this works both ways, but clearly men face discrimination far more frequently than women.  Adam and I went to a club a couple of weeks ago and while there was no cover for me, they wanted Adam to pay $20!  That seems so wrong considering the men are also the ones who buy the bottles and the beverages for us ladies (that’s in my experience at least…sorry ‘bout that to all you uglies buyin your own drinks.)  This is a recession; I think they should probably be happy that people are going to their lame club without penalizing half the population for having male genitalia and earning more for doing the same job.  

 The “Hot Biatch” bouncer – I'm always rather perplexed when there is a woman working the door because I really don’t fully grasp her function. She stands there, thinking she is hotter than Gisele, holding her list like it’s the entrance to Eden.  She is often tall and skinny.  I often hate her.  

The “Sidewalk Santa Cover Charge” -  This is named after clubs and bars that charge a  mysterious fee at the door, the proceeds of which go to a “worthwhile” source (the owner).   I call it the Sidewalk Santa fee because I am convinced that people dress up as Santas randomly and get drunk to gather funds.  That’s actually not a bad idea.  I should try that.

The “My Friend Knows the DJ” – I absolutely love when a random guy comes to the city (since this situation is usually exclusive to B&T or foreigners, ie from Cleveland), brings an entourage of 10 dudes with him, decides he wants to go to the hottest club and thinks that he can drop a line like this to get past the door.  The guy confidently says “my friend Dan is boys with John K from college” or something equally vague and stupid.  This confrontation concludes with the guys being forced to buy 5 bottles, and then claiming that it was their “mad hook up” that got them in. 

The “Sauced Rationalizer” –  When someone is trying to get into a bar or club and met with unnecessary resistance, the Sauced Rationalizer takes over, thinking that her drunk mumblings are going to get the group in with no problems.  The arguments frequently include things like “its my birthday”, “my coat is inside”, and “you’re sexy”.  These encounters frequently have poor endings.  A memorable situation was when my friend engaged in  “Sauced Rationalizing” and subsequently walked defiantly into the club, pushing past the doormen, dragging the red velvet ropes around her ankles.  So, I guess this one works.  Try it out, if you think you have the class!

The Drunk Punisher – This is what I call the bouncer who at around 1pm has his job switched around on him; instead of guarding the door to determine who gets in, he goes inside and determines who has to go out.  Drink stealing, spitting, bitch slapping, and the like all invite such interference from the Drunk Punisher.  I imagine the Drunk Punisher having a superhero voice in his head, confirming all the good he is doing by ridding the club of the uncouth masses: “Level V needs a hero with a face.  Someone to clean up the vomiting, the pot smoking, the belligerent.  I am the hope, I am the DRUNK PUNISHER.”  And then he directs a transsexual to the bathroom and has an Apple-tini spilled on his shoes by a 19 year old (now cue heroic music).   

Most Nonsensical Secular Holidays

The holidays are a time for us to enjoy family, friends, presents and hopefully, time off from work.  However, there are those holidays which provide few if any of the aforementioned benefits.  In fact, there are holidays which are more annoying than anything else.  I decided to survey some of the secular holidays that I find to be complete nonsense. Some (i.e. all) of you will agree, while others will probably want to add many more to this list.  In any case, here ya go!

New Year’s Eve/Day – I honestly HATE New Years.  What the hell are we celebrating? I mean, not to be a Debbie Downer, but are we that excited to start another, most likely, shitty year?  New Years in America has been celebrated as just a reason to get super drunk for more money than it usually takes.  And I hate the weeks leading up to NYE when everyone is calling and emailing each other talking about “what are we doing for new years this year?”  Honestly, New Year's is just a cruel reminder of how fast time goes by and how fast we ruined last year's resolution.    

Groundhog's Day – This day is such nonsense.  The only good thing about this holiday existing was the movie Groundhog’s Day – a Bill Murray classic.  But seriously, what’s the point of this stupid day.  As if a rodent is going to predict when spring is coming?!  You think that if you live in Chicago and that the groundhog fails to see its shadow, that winter will soon be over?! Hell, you think if it DOES see its shadow that winter will be over in 6 weeks? (This is according to folklore and the fact that 6 weeks after February 2 is about March 21, the “technical” beginning of Spring).  You find me someone in a northern state that claims to have spring-like weather starting March 21 with or without the help of a huge rat and I’ll show you a goddamn liar (and an air-rifled groundhog).   If its February 2 in Chicago or any of the northern states for that matter, you don’t need a fat fucking squirrel to tell you that you got about 3 more months of hell. 

Earth Day – OH, Earth Day…how I just love you, dear Earth.  Let me generate awareness of your awesomeness and our careless destruction of your goodness by holding events, concerts and fairs that cause more pollution than environmental benefit.   Here’s an idea for a proper earth day…make every citizen pick up garbage, carpool or walk to work, bath in cold water, do not use electricity……..wait.  Fuck that.

Flag Day – This day is basically a holiday for fair-weather patriots.  For this “day” you are supposed to wave your flag outside your dwelling.  AWESOME!  Flag manufacturers look forward to June 14th every year.  I know I am digressing, but who decides to get into the flag manufacturing business?  Are there lucrative profit margins that I didn’t get the memo about?  What I don’t understand is why people only bust out the stars and stripes just for this day (or small period of time before and after f(l)ag day.  I personally think that if you are willing and proud to wave your flag, do so year-round. 

Labor Day – Why do we get off (well at least most of us with professional, high paying jobs) on the day whose name is synonymous with day of work?  Shouldn’t it be called No Going to Work Day?  Or if you want to get specific, call it “No Work Day”*

*unless you work in retail, restaurants, hospitality, airline, police, fire, etc.


Valentines Day – please refer our inaugural blog post

You Have to be Shoeing Me!


We have all owned or quite possibly, OWN, a pair of ridiculous shoes.  Hell, some of us probably owned a pair of the shoes I'm about to make fun of.  I will say this, if you own or owned more than one pair of the shoe concepts I'm about to ridicule, consider yourself, my friend, nonsensical!

Wooden Clogs – Wooden shoes, huh? ...Wow.   I guess it only makes sense that the Dutch would invent it.  I mean, you have to be high to come up with shoes like this.  Wooden shoes cannot be crafted for comfort.  However, according to Wikipedia, wooden clogs are supposed to be good for the feet.  You know what I think are good for feet?  Anything else.

And as long as we’re on the subject of “clogs”...

Crocs – These fuckers don’t even deserve a picture.  I’ll be honest – when these abortions were invented, I was intrigued.  I couldn’t believe footwear could have been developed by a blind person with several retardations.  I can understand that they are convenient to wear, but that is no excuse.  They match nothing and look uglier than Susan Boyle.  Like their name suggests, they are crocs [of shit].

I’m glad everyone finally realized how ridiculous these shoes (if you can even call them that) really are.  In fact, I can tell you the exact day this happened – November 1, 2007.  Here’s the stock chart to show it:

Platform Flip-Flops – I should really expand this to platform ANYTHING, but these are just stupid.  Whenever I see someone wearing these, I not only feel bad that they are vertically challenged, but also that they are that stupid to buy something so silly.  I can understand you want to be taller, but you really cannot be less discrete about it

Nike Rifts (AKA the Nike Cleft Asshole) – These are the only shoes that I have gone up to strangers and asked them why they bought camel toe shoes.  There is nothing any owner of these shoes can tell me that will make me think that it is ok to have these.  Completely unacceptable – not that they were made, but that they are still on the market.  In the process if putting together this entry, I found footwear that is equally, if not worse.

Vibram Five Fingers – The assholes at Vibram (what kind of name is Vibram) can’t even name their shoes properly.   Five Fingers? You mean toes?   It reminds me of off the boat Asian "restaurateurs" who try and write up their own menus – riddled with spelling and grammar errors.

Lotus Shoes - The requisite to wear these silly little bitches is actually more abhorrent than these awful foot contraptions themselves.  Not sure why anyone would view foot binding as a source of "beauty and pleasure", yet alone shoes that look like they were made from Asian robe material.  If a poor Asian woman is going to be forced to bind her sweet little Asian feet, at least let her rock some sweet Nike Dunks, or if she wants to get fancy, Christian Louboutins. 

Payless ProWings – While ProWings made a slew of knockoff footware, they will forever live in infamy for making fake Reebok Pumps, AKA the ProWings 9153.  I still don’t understand why anyone would wear poorly imitated shoes, because it only draws more ridicule from others.  But what set the ProWings 9153 apart was that they not only were imitation Reebok pumps, but that the “pump” feature itself was not REAL!  I tried so hard to find a picture of these poor-ass excuses for footwear (editor: more time than you spent writing this post), but I realized it made sense that I couldn’t find it.  Whoever owned these $19.95 creations, probably couldn’t afford to take a picture of such a ridiculous shoe.

Ridin' the Boob Tube with Poor Man's Caviar - Part II

Without further a-do, my (Lindsay's) remaining five nonsensical shows:

The Hills – Many of my friends watch this show and I have really been tempted to fall under its mindless spell.  I did love Laguna Beach, since the high school drama was funny and kiiiiinda real (in the sense that it wasn’t totally fabricated, not in the sense that most teenagers are dealing with issues such as who to invite to their $100,000 party or which Intermix dress looks best with their new fake breasts).  The Hills, in contrast, has retained all of the painful aspects ofLaguna (the over privileged spoiled behavior, the glitter-studded Ed Hardy gear, Lo) and taken away any aspect of real-ness that Laguna had clung to.  Lauren, who I think is super pretty and probably smarter in real life than she seems, makes me want to vomit.  (PS – her Family Guy appearance would have made her more endearing, except for the fact that she admitted she needed an acting coach to guide her through the reading because the words were “really hard”.  Wow.)  Audrina is so embarrassingly stupid that listening to hear speak could be considered a form of torture.  Speidi?  I won’t even mention Spencer’s “creepy-flesh-colored-beard” or Heidi’s entirely plastic upper torso and face.  I have to think that those two are minions of the devil, sent here to test our nation’s fortitude; the fact that I have to see their faces online every day means that we are truly failing.  And now even Spencer’s busted sister is famous just because she is related to King of the Douches?!  Please, The Hills, just go away and leave us be.  You’ve proved your point – we’re all going to hell.

Dinosaurs- I know you all remember Dinosaurs – it was on TGIF’s lineup, sandwiched between such classics as Family Matters and Boy Meets World.  So the geniuses at ABC came up with this show about people in dinosaur costumes, acting like cheesy humans.  The costumes were oddly frightening.  No one ever explained what these dinosaurs are doing with fridges, TVs, and telephones.   The baby was the most hideous looking little thing ever, yelling “NOT THE MAMA!” and causing all of my idiot schoolmates to chant that “catchphrase” on a regular basis on the Grasshopper.   There is actually a petition online, TODAY, to “bring back the Dinosaurs TV show”.  Whose life is so empty without this TV show that they are actually petitioning ABC to bring it back?  That makes me so sad I could just weep… or hit someone over the head with a frying pan. 

The Duel II – I love reality challenges for money.  I am including this on the list because of the INSANELY ridiculous beginning credits they added this year.  They had the cast – a group of idiot-alcohol guzzling-dumbasses -“re-enacting” an Aboriginal tribal dance.  Yes, that is Brooke (the psychotic, newly minted lesbian, from the Denver season – “DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN!!!” ring a bell?) and Brad (the meathead, guy who got arrested, who somehow scored a fiancĂ© while looking like a Neanderthal) mutilating a sacred tradition.  Poor, aborigines: first they have their land seized and forced into the hills, and then they were hunted for sport, and now Bunim/Murray productions do this?  That’s cold, man, just cold.

 America’s Funniest Home Videos – In my opinion, American’s home videos are far more distressing than funny.  I'm sad for the man whose family laughs at him when their daughter whacks him in the balls.  I'm sad for the child whose parents are willing to exploit his failure/injury/prematurely gay behavior for the hopes of, at most, $10,000.  I'm sad for the single 48 year old woman who sends in videos of her cat, Bootsie, sitting on a record player and spinning in circles.  None of this lives up to the title of the show– it’s all painful, unfunny, and the only venue for Bob Saget to successfully market his “high pitched voice over” gag.  Yikes.

My Two Dads – This show might hold the title for most insanely unbelievable premise for a TV show.  So the story behind the show is that this woman was dating two men, but then she died and there was a battle between the two men for custody of her baby.  They then moved in together and raised her as a unit. WOW.  So these two guys who were totally being played by the girls kinda slutty mom are not only OK with things, but are desperately vying to raise the child whose paternity remains completely unknown?  I guess things were simpler in the 80s, before Maury provided a daily forum for arguing over whom the real baby daddy is, when harem pants weren’t ironic, and when Paul Reiser was an up and coming star. 

The Top 10 Characters Working Out at Your Gym - BroBible - Every Bro Has a Story

The Top 10 Characters Working Out at Your Gym - BroBible - Every Bro Has a Story

Great blog post by my good friend, Waffles McButter.  You can check out his literary fortitude on as well as

Swine Flu: Another Reason to Keep Kosher?


For the first time, Poor Man's Caviar would like to present it's first guest Blogger, Brad Shapiro. Please let us know if you would ever like to write for our blog.  Just make sure its funny and interesting.  

Brad sheds some perspective on the Bird Flu "pandemic".  Poor Man's Caviar thinks that the U.S. Government is in bed with the national media and that they are engaged in fear mongering.  STOP IT.  No more MONGERING!

Someone please help me out. This “flu” has gotten so much attention I had to address it.  Just yesterday, I’m at the Starbucks on campus (I know) and a girl walks by with a tricked-out surgical mask on.  GIVE ME A BREAK, LADY!!!!  There have been ZERO reported deaths from swine flu in the US,* and you think…just possibly…maybe…the first one might be you???   

What’s your motto?  Better safe than stupid?   

I mean, it could be worse.  Your mask could’ve looked like this:

Please note the lady’s facial expression on the right – I’m pretty sure she’s really short on air, and not the good kind – see autoerotic asphyxiation on Wikipedia to see what I’m talking about -

All I’m really trying to say is that if you were a guy, you would’ve deserved, and likely received, a prompt beatdown.   

Of course, if you looked like this, at least you might’ve gotten a laugh or two…before you also cashed in on an inevitable ass-whooping:


With all due respect, I understand people have lost their lives.  Just look at how Mexico has had to deal with it:

I’ve written thus far without actually discussing the virus itself.  My question is: how did the virus spread from pig to human?  Did Manuelito, horned up after a day’s work in the sun, decide to plow his sausage into some future sausage (thence to his wife, and so on)?     

Anyway, it’s a good thing I don’t eat pork.  Neither did this guy:



*Note: When I witnessed this, there had been zero cases, but it’s now my understanding that an infant died in the US after having recently visited Mexico and likely played in the local pigsty.   

Honorable Mention: Avian Flu (which still got called Avian Bird Flu, in case you killed off enough brain cells in an engaging game of autoerotic asphyxiation and could no longer figure out what “avian” meant), and SARS