The Hills – Many of my friends watch this show and I have really been tempted to fall under its mindless spell. I did love Laguna Beach, since the high school drama was funny and kiiiiinda real (in the sense that it wasn’t totally fabricated, not in the sense that most teenagers are dealing with issues such as who to invite to their $100,000 party or which Intermix dress looks best with their new fake breasts). The Hills, in contrast, has retained all of the painful aspects ofLaguna (the over privileged spoiled behavior, the glitter-studded Ed Hardy gear, Lo) and taken away any aspect of real-ness that Laguna had clung to. Lauren, who I think is super pretty and probably smarter in real life than she seems, makes me want to vomit. (PS – her Family Guy appearance would have made her more endearing, except for the fact that she admitted she needed an acting coach to guide her through the reading because the words were “really hard”. Wow.) Audrina is so embarrassingly stupid that listening to hear speak could be considered a form of torture. Speidi? I won’t even mention Spencer’s “creepy-flesh-colored-beard” or Heidi’s entirely plastic upper torso and face. I have to think that those two are minions of the devil, sent here to test our nation’s fortitude; the fact that I have to see their faces online every day means that we are truly failing. And now even Spencer’s busted sister is famous just because she is related to King of the Douches?! Please, The Hills, just go away and leave us be. You’ve proved your point – we’re all going to hell.
Dinosaurs- I know you all remember Dinosaurs – it was on TGIF’s lineup, sandwiched between such classics as Family Matters and Boy Meets World. So the geniuses at ABC came up with this show about people in dinosaur costumes, acting like cheesy humans. The costumes were oddly frightening. No one ever explained what these dinosaurs are doing with fridges, TVs, and telephones. The baby was the most hideous looking little thing ever, yelling “NOT THE MAMA!” and causing all of my idiot schoolmates to chant that “catchphrase” on a regular basis on the Grasshopper. There is actually a petition online, TODAY, to “bring back the Dinosaurs TV show”. Whose life is so empty without this TV show that they are actually petitioning ABC to bring it back? That makes me so sad I could just weep… or hit someone over the head with a frying pan.
The Duel II – I love reality challenges for money. I am including this on the list because of the INSANELY ridiculous beginning credits they added this year. They had the cast – a group of idiot-alcohol guzzling-dumbasses -“re-enacting” an Aboriginal tribal dance. Yes, that is Brooke (the psychotic, newly minted lesbian, from the Denver season – “DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN!!!” ring a bell?) and Brad (the meathead, guy who got arrested, who somehow scored a fiancé while looking like a Neanderthal) mutilating a sacred tradition. Poor, aborigines: first they have their land seized and forced into the hills, and then they were hunted for sport, and now Bunim/Murray productions do this? That’s cold, man, just cold.
America’s Funniest Home Videos – In my opinion, American’s home videos are far more distressing than funny. I'm sad for the man whose family laughs at him when their daughter whacks him in the balls. I'm sad for the child whose parents are willing to exploit his failure/injury/prematurely gay behavior for the hopes of, at most, $10,000. I'm sad for the single 48 year old woman who sends in videos of her cat, Bootsie, sitting on a record player and spinning in circles. None of this lives up to the title of the show– it’s all painful, unfunny, and the only venue for Bob Saget to successfully market his “high pitched voice over” gag. Yikes.
My Two Dads – This show might hold the title for most insanely unbelievable premise for a TV show. So the story behind the show is that this woman was dating two men, but then she died and there was a battle between the two men for custody of her baby. They then moved in together and raised her as a unit. WOW. So these two guys who were totally being played by the girls kinda slutty mom are not only OK with things, but are desperately vying to raise the child whose paternity remains completely unknown? I guess things were simpler in the 80s, before Maury provided a daily forum for arguing over whom the real baby daddy is, when harem pants weren’t ironic, and when Paul Reiser was an up and coming star.