Ewww, You're Gonna Eat That?!

Many food products can be said to be completely nonsensical – especially in exotic countries. I’m sure I can list half the foods that are consumed in China, but I’m not going to go there. Rather, I am going to discuss some of the foods that are currently available at your local grocery store – or roadside theme park.

Chicken In A Biskit – Yes, as the name implies, this is in fact, chicken flavored biscuits, which are made by Nabisco. Now, I cant speak for all mankind, but I personally do not want the fake flavor of chicken on a cracker. Cheese, ranch, BBQ – fine. Convenience…I like it. Food producers are basically providing a “dip” on the cracker itself in all its convenient powdery goodness. But putting the taste of chicken on a cracker? I think the Ladies Man (yeah, I’m bustin out some Ladies Man quotes) sums it up best with “…um, yeeeah, dat’s disssgussting.”

Lean Cuisine (especially Lean Cuisine pizza) – first let me comment on lean cuisine as a whole. The few times I’ve eaten this "trash out of my mother’s freezer when I am in to visit" – is purely out of shear starvation. I’ve noticed two main qualities of this "food": 1) Lean cuisine tastes like what regular food tastes to someone who is such a raging alcoholic, their taste buds are dead and everything tastes like, well, nothing. 2) Lean cuisines claim of “lean”ness is simply attributable to the fact that their servings are equivalent to restaurant appetizers. Yes, a frozen lean cuisine may be less in calories and fat than a regular meal. But if you eat three lean cuisines, which is what it would require to put a dent in a non-anorexic person’s hunger, you’re basically at a wash.

Now, Lean Cuisine pizza. I find it utterly nonsense that someone would not only opt for “healthy pizza” (which is really just a shitter, smaller amount than a normal personal sized pie), but that someone is opting to heat their pizza in a microwave. I Can only imagine you are left with a hot piece of chewy ass. I laughed my ass off when I found this picture – brick oven pizza?! REALLY?! HAHAHAHA…you’re heating it in a GODDAMN MICRO. You deserve to eat this if you buy (into) it.

Dippin Dots – first off, let me say that Dippin Dots in and of itself is not half bad, even good if the situation is right. But what is bad is Dippin Dots’ claim that it is “the ice cream of the future.” Hmmm. Dippin Dots, I’m pretty sure you have been around for about 15 years now and yet you still cant break away from the amusement park, space museum and baseball park niche. Great call on the market saturation.

Hungry-Man – I shouldn’t discuss another frozen food item, but Swanson’s Hungry-Man is just complete nonsense – and utterly disgusting. I wouldn’t feed a stray dog this crap, let alone a human. But, I guess this is supposed to hit the spot if you are really really hungry for sodium and fat. …Or if you’re just really poor.

My recommendation if you want to try Hungry-Man – go for the …wait for it, Dragonbreath chili. And by Dragonbreath, Swanson means fiery-diarrhea-from-your-asshole dinner. Oh, and yes, they do make Hungry-Man breakfasts in case you want to start your day off behind the 8-ball.

Pork Rinds - Um, I really dont know what to say here. We all know that pork rinds are made from the quality skin of swine. We all know that almost anything you throw into a deep frier will come out tasty, but skin of pig? No thanks. Plus, there is absolutely no health benefits whatsoever from eating pork rinds. In fact pork rinds have five times the sodium of potato chips AND did I mention that it comes from a pig? When he was in the White House, former U.S. President George H. W. Bush said that pork rinds were his favorite snack; clearly "brain food" is not one of its beneficial qualities either.


Honorable Mention - This did not make the list because its technically not food, but a drink.

Clamato - What do you get when you combine reconstituted tomato juice concentrate and reconstituted dried clam broth with a dash of high fructose corn syrup, USDA Red 40 to maintain a 'natural' tomato color, and MSG? You got it! CLAMATO (genious naming convention)! Hold on a sec......ok, cool - I just finished throwing up. I mean, even if it tastes ok, knowing that you are drinking reconstituted clam broth is enough to make me puke. According to Wikipedia, the Clamato Caesar is one of the top selling cocktails across Canada. Figures.

And if you are really daring, try it pre-mixed with Bud Light or Budweiser super tall boys. If you try it, let us know how bad your shits are.