Part Duex: Airport Assholes

Due in part to the positive feedback I received on “Airport Amateurs”, in part because there is so much nonsense that happens in an airport, and the fact that I'll be taking a transatlantic flight this Friday (March 13 if you aren't sure which Friday I'm talking about), I have decided to post a sequel to the other half of Airport Amateurs:  The Airport Assholes.

The airport assholes are namely everyone in an airport that wears an ID badge around their neck: TSA agents, airline personnel, and airport employees.  These people are probably the most miserable people in existence.  And rightly so - they work at an airport!

In a slightly different layout then before, I will bullet the class of asshole and provide a brief description.

The Gate Agent – This is the person that could have been Hilter’s number two if given the opportunity.   They are easily the biggest gaping assholes at the airport.  They hate work, people and pretty much everything that life has to offer – they are the face and customer service of the airline industry.  Gate agents are there to make sure you have the worst possible travel experience possible.  Running a little late to your flight?  They’ll make sure your seat was given to someone else.  Trying to switch out of your middle seat on the plane?  Go fuck yourself.  Attempting to get on standby?  They’ll make sure you don’t get on stand-by AND they’ll give up your seat on the original flight.  Gate agents beat their children.   

The TSA Agent – TSA agents are nothing more than bouncers with a uniform.  They try and act like BSDs (Big Swinging Dicks) cause they can tell you to do stuff before you walk through a metal detector.   Instead of really looking for terrorists, they are busy combing an old lady with a metal hip using their metal detector wand. 

“Oh, you want to grope me because I was acting with insubordination?  That’s fine, I’ll take my shoes off…I’ll remove metal objects and place them in tray.  But guess what?  When I get through security, I’m leaving the 4 trays I used for YOU to collect.” 

The Ticketing Agent – I have never met such an inept group of monkeys.  The job requirements of this position are to stand in front of a computer, check people in or help those that have ticketing issues.  In reality, most cannot speak a lick of English and act like they have never interacted with a computer before. 

Traveler: “Um...yes, my flight got cancelled.  Can you please get me on the next available flight?”

Ticket Agent: “Hold on, sir, let me see what I can do.” 

They’ll spend the next 15 minutes typing away like they are transcribing courtroom proceedings.  Then they will pull another ticket agent away from someone checking in, to assist them in arbitrarily pointing to the computer screen - all in a concerted effort that concludes with them telling you that the system is not allowing them to issue any tickets, and that you’ll have to go to the gate for a ticket.  What they really mean is they are too retarded to work the application which is the cornerstone of their job, and that you’ll have to try your luck with the gate agent.  If you already forgot, please see above as to what you can expect from the gate agent.  Side note: Why is the system that the gate agents use different than what the ticketing agents use?!

The Golf Cart Drivers – These are the folks that cart cripples and beached whales around the airport.  They are usually clocking 25 in a 1, honking like crazy and willing to clip any motherfucker that gets in their way.  These people have the audacity to  think that WE ARE THE ASSHOLES because we are not walking backwards to see them coming.  Its like a Hollywood movie where there’s a high speed chase in a bustling market.

Restaurant/Hudson News Workers – These people are just assholes for charging $3 for gum, $4 for Aquafina (toilet water) and having a dollar menu at McDonalds that only consists of the apple pie.

Airport Information – These people know their way around the airport no better than you or me.  If you have never asked a question at the airport information booth, do it next time.  I promise, you will walk away shaking your head and grimacing from disbelief at the complete incompetence. 

Baggage loaders – You don’t typically interact verbally with these folks, but you interact with them visually: out of the window at the gate or perhaps from your window seat on the plane.  These guys make it a point to completely fuck up your luggage.  If you check-in you luggage brand new, you better believe you are going to get it on the other end with bent or missing zippers, the “ballistic” nylon on your suitcase slashed, or if you’re really lucky, your shit just straight up disappears.  I have a gash on my rollerboard that could only have been made with a deliberate swipe of a box cutter.

 

Flight Attendants – In all honestly, this is a crap shoot.   Some flight attendants are really cool and give you beer or a mini vodka for free.  Other times, whether male or female, they act like they had bad buttsex the night before and are determined to take it out on you.  Namely, by crushing your elbow, foot or head with the drink cart.  And to really piss you off, they’ll ask you to please move said body part AFTER they’ve given you the free contusion.

The Pilot - The leader of the aircraft, the one person who decides if you’re going to live or die today.  This guy is usually on his high horse because he is king of the vessel.  Below is a slight dramatization of the pilot’s speech from my last flight.  "This is your Captain speaking; we'd like to thank you choosing (insert shitty airline here) to fly to Tampa today.  We should be landing in Tampa at 3:52.p.m, but don't hold me to that because I've been drinking Old Crow Whiskey and snorting lines since 9:00 a.m.  I'm so lifted right now I couldn't even tell you my gender. Our cruising altitude today is going to be around 35,000 feet and winds are moving south to southwest. Not like you proletariat back in coach even care about this shit.  When the fasten seat belt sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin, but while it’s on, keep your asses in the fucking seats.  Now would be a good time to turn off your iPods, laptops and vibrators, for you whores out there.  Even though these electronic devices have no bearing whatsoever on the success of the take off or landing, we want to be sure that you are completely alert should this plane go down.  We at (less than reputable airline name) would feel terrible if you were to die on this aircraft and you missed all the fright filled action because you were sleeping to the sweet sounds of James Taylor.  Also, you should be aware that if something goes awry, you will likely die.   Because lets face the facts, we have nothing but mountain ranges in front of us and the whole Sully Sullenberg thing was a one-off.  Now sit back and enjoy the flight, and thanks again for flying with (Bankrupt airline name)."    

The Co-Pilot - He generally doesn't speak during the flight as his lips are firmly wrapped around the Captain's cock, which makes him not only an asshole, but a cocksucker. 

The Taxi Stand Attendants – Thank you for pointing me to a cab directly in front of my face.   I could not have undertaken the task without you.  

And finally, just a random funny picture:

Airport Amateurs

Disclaimer: This blog post may come off angry to some - as it should - but much more than normal.  I spent several years as a consultant and therefore, was exposed to lots of travel and correspondingly, lots of airports.  As such, I've probably had more bad airport experiences than average.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am pretty laid back and even tempered. There are several things that peeve me beyond control, one of which is Airport Amateurs. If you read this and say to yourself, “yeah, I’m an airport amateur,” please do mankind a favor and start taking Amtrak.

I seriously cannot believe how many people out there give off the impression that they have not stepped on an airplane since 9/11. Have people not gotten the memo about taking off your goddamn Rockport’s when you go through security? And if you didn’t get the memo, did you not see the 12 signs right in your face while you meandered through the security line? Or perhaps you were too deaf and dumb to hear the TSA agents yelling it every 30 seconds. Repeat the above for laptops, metal objects and liquids/gels.

But it doesn’t stop there. Once I get through security, give a hearty exhale and subsequent “Woo-saaaaaahhhh (From the movie, Bad Boys),” I’m confronted yet again by more bush-league bullshit. I CANNOT STAND people who line up to board, 20 minutes before boarding is even set to begin, even after the gate agent specifically says that they will be boarding in 20 minutes and by zones. I’ve literally witnessed people stammering to clog the gate area holding tickets that say “zone 8”. Really, you stupid fuck?! Are you that eager about getting into a shitty plane seat and breathe re-circulated air? Holy burning bush Moses.

I recently took a trip to Vegas that almost bankrupted me fiscally and physically – but that’s beside the point. I flew out of JFK and experienced such bumbling idiot travelers, I literally committed a mutiny. First of course, were the people waiting to get to the next available self check-in counter and standing around with their thumbs in their butt. PAY ATTENTION! Why do I have to point out the open check-in kiosk right in front of your fat ugly face!  

Then the ever dreaded security line. Not only did it seem that no one had their ticket and ID/passport out to show the TSA agent, but once I actually made it to the metal detector line, I was behind what could have been the most inept ensemble of a mentally retarded family. The mom tries to walk through with her shoes on, the dad walks through with change in his pocket like he robbed a parking meter, the son doesn’t take the laptop out of his bag, and the daughter tries to walk through with metal bracelets around her arms like she was in a "who could wear more gold chains" competition with B.A. Baracus (Mr. T). 

Now I was trying to hold my composure and just shake my head back and forth like I just witnessed a man intentionally grab another man's penis in a public restroom. But when I saw the girl with all the fake gold and silver on her arm look at the TSA agent like, “what’s the problem?” after he pointed to her arms and told her she cant get through with all the jewelry on, I lost it and yelled “Are you fucking kidding me?!” Yeah, that cost me a full security check molestation by TSA agents. Whatever.

The main event was at the gate. As you all should know, flights typically start boarding 30 minutes before scheduled departure. My flight was at 4:30 and it was about 3:40 at this point – 20 minutes before they even start boarding First Class, Diamond Elite, Elite, and 100K flyers. The gate agent gets on the mic to make an announcement about all that procedural crap…”we’ll be boarding shortly, look at your ticket for the zone number, oversized bags will be have to be gate checked, blah, blah blah.”

No sooner then the gate agent finishes her message, this douche-y looking 20-something gets on his cell phone to make a call. Once the person on the other end picks up, he starts screaming and cussing like a man would do if his wife just closed the garage door on the family minivan. He’s yelling about, “WTF are you doing?! ...Where are you?! ...Get back here, we are about to board! Why the fuck are you dicking around when we are about to leave?!” I thought he was yelling at his girlfriend or wife. I really wanted to go off on this guy, because he’s giving the other person such a hard time about getting back to the gate, when we’re not even going to start boarding for another 20 minutes. Learning my lesson from the security line, I just kept quiet. What I wanted to say was, “Are you a fucking idiot?! Why are you making the person get back to the gate so fast?! We’re 20 minutes from boarding, and you’re holding a ticket that says ZONE 6! You’re not even getting on the plane for another 40 minutes!”

A minute after the ass-clown gets off the phone, I see his Dad show up. He starts yelling at him again, the dad just lowering his head like one of Michael Vick's dogs and they get up to be the first ones to stand around and cause unnecessary congestion. If I were this kid’s father, I would chop his nuts off and feed it to him. If my kid ever talks to me like that, you best believe his face is getting rearranged...INDEED.

So after I say excuse me, so I can get past the father-son combo blocking the line, I finally get on the plane for a glorious 6 hour flight. Just writing this has worked me up enough that I am not even going to get into the part about people who try to stuff what is clearly a gigantic suitcase into the overhead bin. These are the same folks whom as kids tried to stick the square peg into the circle cut out. (exhale)…wooo-saaaaaaaaaaah.