Thou Shalt Not Worship Idols - but American Idol is A-OK

American Idol season is upon us and if you are like me, you love it, and if you are like Adam, you are forced into watching it by your significant other. The show is considered by some to be nonsensical, and the voting is definitely nonsensical, so I felt it to be appropriate fodder for our blog. Regardless of your feelings for the show, you probably watch it and you’ll admit they have some real characters on this year. I find several of them incredibly entertaining and some not so much. But as the show is in its early stage, where all the finalists are still around (minus Jasmine and more Jorge… I LOVE YOU JORGE!) I thought it was about time that I dedicate a post to the power that is American Idol. For those non-believers, go read Adam’s post below about airport assholes… its entertaining yet cynical, which you’ll probably like.

Adam Lambert – The Guilty Pleasure: Adam, the eyeliner-wearing judge’s pet, is my current guilty pleasure. The dude couldn’t be more ludicrous, couldn’t have worse skin, and definitely couldn’t be less of the “bad boy” he pretends to be. But lord help me, I love that Jewish, gay, flamboyant dynamo. He is so ballsy, I just can’t help myself. How can you be confident wearing leggings, a baby blue leather jacket, a 1995-style chain wallet, and a Christian Siriano faux-hawk/mullet? I don’t know, but Adam does it and I just can’t hate.

Scott MacIntyre – The Blind Guy Who It Seems Wrong to Make Fun of Yet You Kinda Want To: OK firstly, Scott has grown on me. His Michael Jackson song was very pretty and I’m getting less weirded out by his curly, baby-cupid style hair. However, those eyes… yes I know he is legally blind, but oh my goodness am I the only one who feels like he is staring into the depths of my soul?! Between the fear that he is putting a Children of the Corn spell on me and the guilt I feel when I giggle at his part in the group dances, I don’t know how much longer my nerves or conscience can handle Scott on the show.

Kris Something – The Kinda Hot Random Guy: Who is voting for this dude? I mean he’s ok, pretty cute, whatever, but an American Idol? I don’t think so. Also, who spells Chris like Kris? It reminds me of the actor Kris Kristofferson who scares the crap out of me (anyone see Blade II or The Jacket? After those, he’ll scare you too). But props on the guitar, at least I get some feeling of my long lost Jason Castro this year. If Kris brings out some white-guy dreds, then maybe we’ll talk.

Alison Iraheta – The Great Singer Who Looks and Sounds Like a 40 Year Old Single Mom: Alison has an awesome voice and her singing Heart’s “Alone” last week immediately won me over (all the Heart fans, say hay oh!). But the hair, the voice, the interviews, and the still-remaining bottom braces… I don’t know, man. Her hair color is straight out of a Manic Panic jar, her 50-year old smoker’s voice would put La Lohan to shame, and her comment during judging about self-mutilation… really Alison? You’re gonna talk about cutting on Idol? Why don’t you start telling everyone about how you spend your welfare checks on crack next time? That might be more appropriate. And Ali, no matter what Paula says, your hair does NOT look good… try a human color. The pinkish hair trend was killed once all of the contestants on Rock of Love Charm School adopted it.

Matt Giraud – The Emotional Wreck: Matt has a great voice and I like him. But his looking like he is constantly going to burst into tears is really starting to make me uncomfortable. I feel like he’s the guy you’ve dated for 2 weeks and are breaking up with and is creepily about to start weeping in the Starbucks. Keep it together, Matt, or else I’m gonna take my vote to another piano-bar singing, Justin Timberlake wannabe… don’t make me threaten you, you know I hate when you make me like this!! (insert backhand slap)

Lil Rounds – The Booty: Damn, girl! That is some SERIOUS junk in the trunk. Adam has a 50-inch TV and the size it looks on that thing… wow. All I know is that if she wins, they’re going to have to put a fold out insert in her CD to capture her whole ass.

Anoop Desai – The Awesome Non-Kumar Indian Guy: Anoop is doing for Indian guys across the country what Miley Cyrus did for her dad – making something kinda nerdy and obscure into something super cool and relevant. Seriously, I think the number of intellectual Indian guys across America who are going to get college ass because of Anoop will be off the hook. What with Slumdog Millionaire sweeping the Oscars and Indian food being so delicious (I just discovered this so I’m still excited), Anoop has got some real clout behind him. It’s the year of the Indian and I don’t mean the one who cries about littering. Go Anoop dog!

So yes, I could go on and talk about Alexis Grace (eat a sandwich and try going outdoors – you are probably really Vitamin D deficient), Megan Cokrey (nice tattoo sleeve, that was a really great drunk decision you made… about as good as the one to have unprotected sex), and Michael Sarver (he’s hot and cool, don’t really have anything funny to say), but I think my post hath runneth over. Feel free to leave comments about anyone I missed, lampooned, or went too lightly on. Much love, Idol watchers!

Party People in the House say "Ay Oh!"

I had the privilege of attending two house parties this weekend, one of them all the way in Connecticut (shout-out to my new friends in Westport… wherever on the map that is)! Even though the parties consisted primarily of people unknown to me, the similarities among certain people has led me to believe that at many parties there will be characters – those who are consistent among groups of friends and who find themselves fulfilling similar roles at every gathering. Below, I describe.
(Note: These descriptions are not of specific people from this weekend’s parties, just a compilation of my general party-going experiences). Throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care, and here we go...

The Star – this is the person who lives for Saturday night. This party gives him or her the chance to be the center of attention without seeming like a total a-hole. When people are drunk and in need of entertainment this person delivers, but in a way that makes you say to your friend “wow, the vodka makes him seem really talented!” You know that when the Star throws a party for his best friend, parents, or significant other, the real motivator was that he or she developed a new dance move, learned the words to the new Britney, or figured out how to incorporate juggling into the routine. This person is often secretly somewhat douche-y but hides it well – that is, until Saturday night rolls around.

The Compensator – this is the guy who has something to prove. He is the really short one among a group of tall guys, the unattractive one in a group of hot guys, or the chubby one in a group of fit guys. (Note: If you can’t see the differentiating factor, then you know what he’s compensating for.) As a result of his insecurity, this guy does “crazy” things at the party – he pees into the garbage can, takes off his shirt and rolls around in mud, or starts a snowball fight and brings it indoors where he causes destruction. Major traits of a compensator are that he is extraordinarily loud, makes raunchy/racist/sexist jokes that only totally hammered guys find funny, and often causes serious property damage. This is all in hopes that a girl will hook up with him. This rarely works.

The Muncher – this is the girl who parks herself by the snacks and remains there for the duration of the party, only to take quick breaks to dance and ensure that someone takes a picture of her dancing so no one remembers she spent 85% of the night with her hands in the Cheetos. The Muncher hits up the Chex mix first, picking out all the peanuts. The Muncher dips Cheez-Doodles in the Con Queso with reckless abandon (note: yes, I know con queso means “with cheese” but among my friends it is a proper noun describing a stomach blocking, neon yellow bowl of fun). This girl judges the goodness of the party by whether or not she leaves with her hands completely orange.

The Hoovers – this is the couple that comes to a party, seemingly for the sole purpose of sucking face all night (hence, the name Hoovers – how clever am I?). Why do you come to a party to do something you could do in your bedroom at home? No one knows, but what they do know is that the Hoovers stop by and what you see of them all night is a rolling tumbleweed of tongues and butt-grabbing. The Hoovers usually think they are a very “hot” couple and perhaps this is why they think people want to see them make out all night. We don’t. You’re gross. Go home.

The Uncle Herbert – this is the oddly old person who somehow always gets wind of parties and shows up. No one knows how he became part of the group, who knew him originally, or why he continues to show up now that everyone is well past the age of needing help buying beer. This guy gets belligerently drunk and tries to get everyone to have a fun nickname for him ala “Frank the Tank”, but sadly everyone just calls him “Weird Old Guy” or “Gene”.

The Girl Clan – we all know what this is, and I admit I’ve been guilty of being a part of it. This is the crew of girls who cannot be separated, as though their remaining intact is critical to the survival of mankind. Nothing can separate this dedicated group – from powerhour, to dancing, to late night vomiting, the only thing that can tear these girls apart is when the party ends. Or when a hot guy talks to one of them. Or when the new case of Keystone Lite comes around. Or when the Muncher has her Cheetos taken away, prompting a kitchen rampage.

The Groper – this is the guy who is blackout drunk within what seems like 10 minutes of his arrival and from there on out, feels up anything breathing. He gets inappropriately close to guys, whispering in their ears and leaving a drool train. He hugs everyone, even when someone is leaving to go to the bathroom. He goes up to a group of girls and somehow has touched every breast in the group by the time he moves on. This is the guy who tells you he knows where the “secret bathroom” is – and tries to accompany you. He’s a total creeper and should be avoided at all times. Unless, you know, you like that sort of thing.

The Facebook Cover Girl – this is a guy or girl whose sole goal at the party is to be in as many pictures, doing as many “fun” things as possible, so that the whole Facebook world knows how cool and popular and good looking he or she is. The female FCG often has a pose – the peace sign, the suck-in cheeks kissy face, the wide-eyed “I look so inadvertently hot” look, and she uses it with alarming frequency. The male FCG waits until the camera comes by and puts on the male FCG moves: chugging straight from a bottle of Smirnoff, pretending to punch a guy in the face, or making the “Look how many girls I have around me, I’m a pimp!” pose. The FCGs love the camera, love tags, and love attention. You’ll know a FCG when he or she has 1,000+ Facebook tags (girl) or 300+ tags (guy).

Please feel free to add more "types" that I may have overlooked. I was so overwhelmed this weekend that I might have missed out on some less obvious, yet equally amusing party characters.

Lindsay