My Hair(y) Lady

This blog post topic is about body hair, scientifically known as androgenic hair. This topic was recommended by my good pal, Loren, and therefore written in his honor – one of the hairiest friend I know; Actually, my hairiest friend.

But Loren did not give me any other direction. He left the artistic canvas fairly open. So I pondered and pondered, trying to figure out which way to go. Do I write about how nonsensical hairy dudes must think it to be, the copious amount of body hair bestowed upon them? Do I write about how nonsensical it is that there are women out there who think the more body hair the more they are turned on? Or what about the opposite? Women with, ...ahem, semblance of a woolly mammoth.


So here goes a ADD inspired survey of body hair.

Now, I wont say that body hair is complete nonsense, because we DID evolve from apes. However, what is crazy, is the disparity in amount of body hair between people – even those within the same ethnic background. I mean, I can’t think of another species where this holds true. Its not like you see a type of horse that is WAAAY hairier than another horse of the same kind. Why is it that I have a small patch of hair on my chest, cannot even grow a legitimate beard in at age 27, yet someone like my buddy Loren has permanent Jumpin Jammerz
Why is it that if you are a short bald man, chances are your body is covered in fur?

Side note memory: I can recall this morning several years back when I was getting to leave for work and was getting my coat from the closet. It was early in the morning and pretty dark in the condo. As I am getting said coat, I hear Loren’s bedroom door open and peer over, only to witness a naked sasquatch come out and sneak into the bathroom. No joke, it was full on big foot.

Ok, so, I know all you literaries (Editor: Is that a real word?) out there reading this are saying, “Dude, body hair is all about testosterone levels, hormones and genetics.” Well I say, “Its still nonsense.” I mean, a woman with a facial hair? WTF?! Have any of you seen a lioness with a full mane of hair?

I guess I’m not really sure where I am going with this other than to say that I’m dumbfounded by the differences in the amount of body hair people have.

My Version of an SNL skit.... No it's not Coffee Talk, thanks for asking

Inspired by the awesome “Really?!” with Seth Meyers from SNL, I will periodically be doing “For Serious?!” with Lindsay. Some may call it a rip-off, some may call it intellectual property infringement, but I call it “genius”.

· The Post published a cartoon of two cops shooting a monkey and saying “Now who is going to write the stimulus bill?” or something like that. For serious? Post editor, what the hell is going on in your brain? Even if this isn’t supposed to be racist, couldn’t you just err on the side of caution and have the cartoonist change the monkey to a bunny, or a horse, or a walking coffee mug? Anything besides a primate, dude! Sidenote, I am now nervous for the next Madoff spoof: if they keep this editor, they could have a horned devil-beast or a vampire bat wearing a yarmulke representing the guy. Ah, symbolism.

· Chris Brown says in his apology to Rihanna that he is seeking the counsel of God and his Mom. For serious? Chris, you need to deal with a trained professional – preferably one who has a boxing ring and a kangaroo wearing armor to help you “work out your issues”. I'm rooting for the kangaroo.

· The signs on the subway that applaud the MTA for the 2^nd Avenue subway opening in… wait… 2015. For serious?! You are already soliciting New Yorkers for praise because of a new subway coming in 6 years? Wow MTA, you have some serious cajones on you. Because when I am being sandwiched between a little Asian man with long nails and a bag of strange smelling groceries and a large white woman with black lip liner, huge hoop earrings poking me in the eye, and a booming iPod at 9am, I'm not really in the mood to be you know, “congratulating” you guys on your amazing foresight. Oh ONE train for the whole East side wasn’t enough? Wow who would have known! You guys better get on that… in 15 years! Yay!

· Jessica Simpson says she is a difficult girlfriend to have because, among other things, she “toots under the sheets.” For serious, Jessica? You’re going through a huge scandal right now, one essentially revolving around whether or not you are still attractive. Why the hell are you talking about your gas-related issues? Jess, you need to get guys to want to bang you again if you want anyone to go to your shows, because guess what, your singing probably isn’t what people see you for. Let’s stop talking about flatulence, and start discussing your love of things men like. A quick list of suggestions:

• Hot chicks
  
•  Hoagies
  
•  Tequila shots
  
•  Anything involving a sports ring and/or nonsense violence
  
•  The new 90210
  

I mean Jess, ANYTHING is better than your gas! Except discussing how you like to wear skorts to perform. Wait you talked about that too? You should go see about whether next month’s International Cheese Fest has booked entertainment…

-Lindsay