K9 Krazies

Now that I’ve been out of college a few years, Facebook is alerting me regularly, via photo albums, to three common events in people’s lives – engagements, STDs and new dog ownership. Though people’s romantic relationships are often ripe for mockery, the relationship of dogs and their owners is far more ridiculous. Below I examine and ridicule some of the more popular “types” of dog owners.

The Upper East Side Owner (Male)– As a lifelong Upper East side resident, I'm confident in my assertion that those who reside in this neighborhood are hands down the most batshit, crazy dog owners on the planet. The male UESO’s are 100 percent the least respectable samples of dog owning men that NY has to offer. The male UESO shamelessly
walk the toy poodles, Pomeranians, or other yappy cup-sized dogs that their fiancés made them buy. These men like to simultaneously check out women or “do business” on their iPhones to restore some of the masculinity that has been sacrificed while picking up shits that are the size of hamster poop pellets. Newsflash: there’s no way to make
walking a dog that can fit in a coffee mug look masculine.

The Upper East Side Owner (Female) – The female UESO’s are somewhat sadder – and come in 2 varieties. There are those who apparently hate their dogs – they talk loudly on their cell phones while walking them, dragging them like unwanted offspring or old garbage. They occasionally do this while holding their child’s hand, ignoring the both of them, which makes the situation even sadder.

There are, alternatively, the ladies who are over-the-top in love with their dogs – these are mostly wealthy ladies whose kids have gone to college, leaving the neurotic mother part of their personalities with no target for their affection/overbearing. These ladies talk to their dogs frequently and ask them questions, apparently expecting a dialogue worthy of “Inside The Actors’ Studio” to come flowing out of their dogs’ yappers. The aforementioned all make me sad to have been raised in the 10021.

The Mean Dog Owners – now I get that I tend to be a little overly friendly with some dogs. I understand that people have bad days at work, PMS, dingleberries in their taints, whatever the case may be. And for those reasons, they do not appear friendly when I (or any other person) try to approach their dogs. But there are some owners who are just plain assholes and I can’t for the life of me understand why a huge dickwad would even have a dog, let alone one that is so cute that it naturally invites attention and doting. If you live in NYC and have a ridiculously cute dog , what would you expect to happen? I am sorry but please, mean dog owner, don’t you dare make me feel badly for wanting to pet your fabulous Bernese Mountain Dog or your adorable bulldog puppy. If you don’t want to interact with people, take your poor dog and your apparently unloved genitalia, and move to Montana.

The Single Woman/Infertile Dog Owners – I almost feel bad including these ladies as a category of “crazies” considering that women have a natural urge to procreate and one’s inability to do so might have a damaging effect on her psyche. However, the havoc these ladies wreak on their dogs is palpable: they look so sad, peering down longingly at the ground from the confines of their owners’ Louis Vuitton purses or from under the brim of the “golfer” hat that the owner made him wear to match her Lacoste shirt. I truly fail to believe that dressing your dog up like a little person and/or carrying him in your purse like a prize is filling the void left by lack of a baby/husband/high quality vibrator.

The Chelsea Gay Owner – For the benefit of our non-New York readers, Chelsea is the area in Manhattan, on the west side below Times Square and above the West Village. It is well known for great clubs, cool restaurants, and inhabited with enough gays to make a homophobic's head explode. The underwear advertisements on the side of phone booths are even fruity; they show gay couples holding each other or partaking in some sort of homosexual activity like chest rubbing or ass patting...quite uncomfortable to walk by if you're a heterosexual male, but I like it. In summary, Chelsea has an extremely gay population, as well as a number of stores that sell only tight button downs, fedoras, and shorts and somehow stay in business. My favorite dog owners in Chelsea are the femme gays who own huge, butch, fierce dogs like pitbulls, Rottweilers, and boxers and they walk them without a bit of irony. I love gays – don’t get me wrong – but honestly, a pitbull? They must enjoy the size of these dogs...members.

The Dog Modelers - These ridiculous owners spend their weekends showcasing their dog in front of a popular lunch spots or street benches. These people literally live vicariously through their dogs. They try to act all cool when people are checking out their dog(s) by gazing off into the distance, smoking cigarettes, or having a cell phone conversation with themselves, all in a attempt to cover up the fact that they feel so "part of the scene" and the center of attention. Too bad it still means going home at the end of the day, grabbing the peanut butter (reduced fat creamy) from middle cupboard, applying a dollop to a sensitive part of the body, and letting old Rufus go to town.

Commentary on Iran and their Recently held Elections

Since the inception of our blog back in February, our posts have dealt with the nonsensical of the light-hearted persuasion. While that will continue to be the case, I wanted to put up a post with a more serious tone, but consistent with the nonsensical "theme." I'd like to opine on Iran - specifically, the recently held elections. Simply put, the world has to support the citizens of Iran who are standing up to the Iranian regime. The fact that leadership in Iran has largely been left to do as it pleases is complete nonsense. The tone at the top? President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Holocaust-denier and nuclear aspirant. The dangers are plain to see, but like most things, the world prefers to take reactive approaches to things - positive or negative.

The clear fact that the voting for the most recent elections have been rigged should speak volumes for the type of people in power. These are the actions of (dangerous) dictatorial governments. Mobile phone communications were interrupted in Tehran on election day and the BBC has stated that “heavy electronic jamming" was being used to halt their satellite broadcasts - violating international treaties on satellite communication. On 23 May 2009, the Iranian government temporarily blocked access to Facebook across the country. Gulfnews.com reported that this move was a response to the use of Facebook by candidates running against the incumbent Ahmadinejad.

A major deception that is often made with tyrannical regimes is that they are a "democracy". Ahmadinejad has often boasted about how his country is a democracy that holds elections and gives equal rights to all people. This is obvious nonsense. A democracy doesn't exist when the people fear the government, where barber shops are closed because the stylists are providing "contemporary" haircuts, where homosexuals are hung in public. Bloggers are being jailed, tortured, and killed. If I were to be an Iranian, writing this blog, I would very likely die in jail. Can you imagine if Republicans and Democrats were killing off each others candidates and senate members and congressmen marched the streets with guns and killed each other off?

True democratic elections cannot be held where the people fear death if they vote for the wrong person. Shortly prior to the recent elections in Iran, it was reported that the remaining Jews in Iran were going to vote for Ahmadinejad. Surprising? The reason is because they need to flow with the consensus. If they choose opposition, this could mean persecution. Regardless, it should be noted that the true leader of Iran is the Ayatollah, and pretty much, whatever the Ayatollah says, goes. In this past election in Iran, there were other politicians that wanted to run for election, but could not because they need the blessing from the Ayatollah.

The world, especially the US, needs to recognize and support the progressive Iranians that are standing up Ahmadinajad's radical regime. These are the citizens that realize where Iran's leadership is taking them. Having the rest of the world just sit on her hands is just asking for defeat. People are risking their lives to draw attention to the madness - we cannot turn a blind eye. Doing nothing is nonsense.

Other (probably better) readings:

http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/25/the-real-engagement-with-iran/

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123785115192919205.html

http://natansharansky.org/2009/03/10/can-you-hear-the-voice-of-freedom/

The Whole Diet Food Thing

When I read Adam’s post about gross foods, the only one I didn't find funny was the post about Lean Cuisine. Why? Because as a woman, eating diet foods is an unfortunate and permanent part of my life. Adam’s entry made me want to devote a post solely to lo-cal (for some reason, when it comes to food, companies change the word low to “lo” – I guess they think it makes the words look like they're on a diet), low fat, and generally diet foods that are not only ridiculous but usually tasteless, hideous, and/or generally offensive to all the senses.

The McLean Deluxe – Derrrrrrrrr, I like dis berrrrgerrr, derrrrrrr. The McLean was McDonalds’ attempt at a healthy, “low fat” burger. Considering the number of you who have heard of this, I think it’s pretty clear how well this experiment fared. The problem with McLean concept is that the folks at McDonalds had the mistaken belief that someone ordering a hamburger at their restaurant gives a shit about eating healthy. And even if their customers did care, consider this: a McDonald’s cheeseburger has 300 calories and 12grams of fat, while a McLean Deluxe had 340 calories and 12 grams of fat. Hmm… tough to figure out which one people are going to choose there. I’m sure the McDonald’s execs thought that once they got rid of the marketing team who came up with the McLean that things would all be smooth sailing – then along came the Arch Deluxe. Sigh.

The Lemon Juice/Cayenne Pepper/Maple Syrup Drink – This is 100 percent the most heinous drink/diet plan/”recipe” ever to be conceived by man. For those lucky few of you who aren’t familiar with this fad, it’s basically just the three aforementioned ingredients mixed together, drunk as a replacement for meal for 3-5 days, until you achieve your desired weight or until you pass out from hunger, whichever comes first. If any of you saw the episode of The Office where they do Dunder Mifflin’s “Biggest Loser” and Kelly Kapur falls on the floor, it’s because she was on this diet. That episode provided a rather accurate description, actually; not just of the effects of this diet, but of the general retardation of any person who thinks that ridiculous fad diets like lemon juice and syrup is the way to lose real weight. Also, remember when Toby touches Pam’s knee then freaks out and jumps the fence? Yeah, that was funny. Wait, what? Sorry, I only ate grapefruit and fat free whipped cream today… what was I saying?

Tofutti – I hate to do this because I know that for “lactards”, Tofutti is a gift from heaven that allows them to eat versions of ice cream, cream cheese, and other white creamy deliciousness that they would otherwise never get to savor. If you are one such lactard, move to the next item, as I don’t wish to ruin the only lacto-joy that you have in your lives. Now that it’s just those of us who are able to digest cow products, let’s be honest; this shit is beyond nasty. The Toffuti-cheese is the sad, deformed, inbred offspring of cream cheese – it tastes like a sponge that’s been soaked in breast milk and put through a blender. No diet on the planet would make me want to eat this – except for maybe the lemon drink diet (see above).

Reduced Fat Smartfood – So as a woman, I have come to truly embrace the “lesser” versions of most foods. I’ve fully convinced both my brain and my stomach that fro-yo is as good as ice cream, that Diet Coke is far superior to regular, and that turkey comes in no other form besides 99% fat free. However, I absolutely draw the line at reduced fat Smartfood. (Sidenote – for those of you who don't know what the term Smartfood means: it’s only the most delicious, fabulous, finger-dirtying white cheddar popcorn everrr…GOSH!) Here’s an analogy to demonstrate how incredibly inferior the reduced fat version is compared to the original: Reduced Fat Smartfood : Smartfood :: Cinemax late night softcore : HD porn. There’s just no contest.

Seitan – No that's not a picture of roast uncircumcised cock, its SEITAN! This product is so nasty that their selling point/tagline is: “Seitan – the Vegetarian Wheat Meat”. Wheat and Meat should have zero connection with one another aside from the fact that they rhyme. And why would you want to name a product that sounds like a fancier way of saying “satan”. I don’t want to eat satan, do you?

I just can’t imagine what the demand is for a product such as this. There is tofu everything and fish burgers and stuff like that. If you’re gonna eat wheat, I’m pretty sure it should be in the form of “rolls” or “loaves” or something else that can be covered with jam. Just looking at a picture of Seitan evokes memories of the mystery meat-like ingredients at the mall’s Panda Express… and of the ensuing stomach disrupt that caused you to run from Express/Structure doubled over with pain.

“California” Versions of Food – Restaurants, particularly diners, have honed “California” as a code word for the “healthful” option. What “California” typically means is that all carbs are removed from the plate, and the protein, no matter what it is, is topped with a gigantic ice cream scoop of cottage cheese. Mmmm, appetizing. The most disgusting iteration of the “California” dish is the hamburger version – looking at it is enough to make one want to go kosher forever. The worst part is that people eat this hideous dish, thinking that they are being extremely healthy – but there are between 150 and 200 calories in a cup of cottage cheese and 120 calories in 2 slices of Kraft American cheese. I think the only thing “California” in which I'm going to partake is having an unhealthy addiction to Britney Spears – and even that is terminable if she goes back to her “over-160-pounds-I-love-cheetos- and- I'm wearing- a-shoe-as-a-hat” crazy period.

Ewww, You're Gonna Eat That?!

Many food products can be said to be completely nonsensical – especially in exotic countries. I’m sure I can list half the foods that are consumed in China, but I’m not going to go there. Rather, I am going to discuss some of the foods that are currently available at your local grocery store – or roadside theme park.

Chicken In A Biskit – Yes, as the name implies, this is in fact, chicken flavored biscuits, which are made by Nabisco. Now, I cant speak for all mankind, but I personally do not want the fake flavor of chicken on a cracker. Cheese, ranch, BBQ – fine. Convenience…I like it. Food producers are basically providing a “dip” on the cracker itself in all its convenient powdery goodness. But putting the taste of chicken on a cracker? I think the Ladies Man (yeah, I’m bustin out some Ladies Man quotes) sums it up best with “…um, yeeeah, dat’s disssgussting.”

Lean Cuisine (especially Lean Cuisine pizza) – first let me comment on lean cuisine as a whole. The few times I’ve eaten this "trash out of my mother’s freezer when I am in to visit" – is purely out of shear starvation. I’ve noticed two main qualities of this "food": 1) Lean cuisine tastes like what regular food tastes to someone who is such a raging alcoholic, their taste buds are dead and everything tastes like, well, nothing. 2) Lean cuisines claim of “lean”ness is simply attributable to the fact that their servings are equivalent to restaurant appetizers. Yes, a frozen lean cuisine may be less in calories and fat than a regular meal. But if you eat three lean cuisines, which is what it would require to put a dent in a non-anorexic person’s hunger, you’re basically at a wash.

Now, Lean Cuisine pizza. I find it utterly nonsense that someone would not only opt for “healthy pizza” (which is really just a shitter, smaller amount than a normal personal sized pie), but that someone is opting to heat their pizza in a microwave. I Can only imagine you are left with a hot piece of chewy ass. I laughed my ass off when I found this picture – brick oven pizza?! REALLY?! HAHAHAHA…you’re heating it in a GODDAMN MICRO. You deserve to eat this if you buy (into) it.

Dippin Dots – first off, let me say that Dippin Dots in and of itself is not half bad, even good if the situation is right. But what is bad is Dippin Dots’ claim that it is “the ice cream of the future.” Hmmm. Dippin Dots, I’m pretty sure you have been around for about 15 years now and yet you still cant break away from the amusement park, space museum and baseball park niche. Great call on the market saturation.

Hungry-Man – I shouldn’t discuss another frozen food item, but Swanson’s Hungry-Man is just complete nonsense – and utterly disgusting. I wouldn’t feed a stray dog this crap, let alone a human. But, I guess this is supposed to hit the spot if you are really really hungry for sodium and fat. …Or if you’re just really poor.

My recommendation if you want to try Hungry-Man – go for the …wait for it, Dragonbreath chili. And by Dragonbreath, Swanson means fiery-diarrhea-from-your-asshole dinner. Oh, and yes, they do make Hungry-Man breakfasts in case you want to start your day off behind the 8-ball.

Pork Rinds - Um, I really dont know what to say here. We all know that pork rinds are made from the quality skin of swine. We all know that almost anything you throw into a deep frier will come out tasty, but skin of pig? No thanks. Plus, there is absolutely no health benefits whatsoever from eating pork rinds. In fact pork rinds have five times the sodium of potato chips AND did I mention that it comes from a pig? When he was in the White House, former U.S. President George H. W. Bush said that pork rinds were his favorite snack; clearly "brain food" is not one of its beneficial qualities either.


Honorable Mention - This did not make the list because its technically not food, but a drink.

Clamato - What do you get when you combine reconstituted tomato juice concentrate and reconstituted dried clam broth with a dash of high fructose corn syrup, USDA Red 40 to maintain a 'natural' tomato color, and MSG? You got it! CLAMATO (genious naming convention)! Hold on a sec......ok, cool - I just finished throwing up. I mean, even if it tastes ok, knowing that you are drinking reconstituted clam broth is enough to make me puke. According to Wikipedia, the Clamato Caesar is one of the top selling cocktails across Canada. Figures.

And if you are really daring, try it pre-mixed with Bud Light or Budweiser super tall boys. If you try it, let us know how bad your shits are.