Thou Shalt Not Worship Idols - but American Idol is A-OK

American Idol season is upon us and if you are like me, you love it, and if you are like Adam, you are forced into watching it by your significant other. The show is considered by some to be nonsensical, and the voting is definitely nonsensical, so I felt it to be appropriate fodder for our blog. Regardless of your feelings for the show, you probably watch it and you’ll admit they have some real characters on this year. I find several of them incredibly entertaining and some not so much. But as the show is in its early stage, where all the finalists are still around (minus Jasmine and more Jorge… I LOVE YOU JORGE!) I thought it was about time that I dedicate a post to the power that is American Idol. For those non-believers, go read Adam’s post below about airport assholes… its entertaining yet cynical, which you’ll probably like.

Adam Lambert – The Guilty Pleasure: Adam, the eyeliner-wearing judge’s pet, is my current guilty pleasure. The dude couldn’t be more ludicrous, couldn’t have worse skin, and definitely couldn’t be less of the “bad boy” he pretends to be. But lord help me, I love that Jewish, gay, flamboyant dynamo. He is so ballsy, I just can’t help myself. How can you be confident wearing leggings, a baby blue leather jacket, a 1995-style chain wallet, and a Christian Siriano faux-hawk/mullet? I don’t know, but Adam does it and I just can’t hate.

Scott MacIntyre – The Blind Guy Who It Seems Wrong to Make Fun of Yet You Kinda Want To: OK firstly, Scott has grown on me. His Michael Jackson song was very pretty and I’m getting less weirded out by his curly, baby-cupid style hair. However, those eyes… yes I know he is legally blind, but oh my goodness am I the only one who feels like he is staring into the depths of my soul?! Between the fear that he is putting a Children of the Corn spell on me and the guilt I feel when I giggle at his part in the group dances, I don’t know how much longer my nerves or conscience can handle Scott on the show.

Kris Something – The Kinda Hot Random Guy: Who is voting for this dude? I mean he’s ok, pretty cute, whatever, but an American Idol? I don’t think so. Also, who spells Chris like Kris? It reminds me of the actor Kris Kristofferson who scares the crap out of me (anyone see Blade II or The Jacket? After those, he’ll scare you too). But props on the guitar, at least I get some feeling of my long lost Jason Castro this year. If Kris brings out some white-guy dreds, then maybe we’ll talk.

Alison Iraheta – The Great Singer Who Looks and Sounds Like a 40 Year Old Single Mom: Alison has an awesome voice and her singing Heart’s “Alone” last week immediately won me over (all the Heart fans, say hay oh!). But the hair, the voice, the interviews, and the still-remaining bottom braces… I don’t know, man. Her hair color is straight out of a Manic Panic jar, her 50-year old smoker’s voice would put La Lohan to shame, and her comment during judging about self-mutilation… really Alison? You’re gonna talk about cutting on Idol? Why don’t you start telling everyone about how you spend your welfare checks on crack next time? That might be more appropriate. And Ali, no matter what Paula says, your hair does NOT look good… try a human color. The pinkish hair trend was killed once all of the contestants on Rock of Love Charm School adopted it.

Matt Giraud – The Emotional Wreck: Matt has a great voice and I like him. But his looking like he is constantly going to burst into tears is really starting to make me uncomfortable. I feel like he’s the guy you’ve dated for 2 weeks and are breaking up with and is creepily about to start weeping in the Starbucks. Keep it together, Matt, or else I’m gonna take my vote to another piano-bar singing, Justin Timberlake wannabe… don’t make me threaten you, you know I hate when you make me like this!! (insert backhand slap)

Lil Rounds – The Booty: Damn, girl! That is some SERIOUS junk in the trunk. Adam has a 50-inch TV and the size it looks on that thing… wow. All I know is that if she wins, they’re going to have to put a fold out insert in her CD to capture her whole ass.

Anoop Desai – The Awesome Non-Kumar Indian Guy: Anoop is doing for Indian guys across the country what Miley Cyrus did for her dad – making something kinda nerdy and obscure into something super cool and relevant. Seriously, I think the number of intellectual Indian guys across America who are going to get college ass because of Anoop will be off the hook. What with Slumdog Millionaire sweeping the Oscars and Indian food being so delicious (I just discovered this so I’m still excited), Anoop has got some real clout behind him. It’s the year of the Indian and I don’t mean the one who cries about littering. Go Anoop dog!

So yes, I could go on and talk about Alexis Grace (eat a sandwich and try going outdoors – you are probably really Vitamin D deficient), Megan Cokrey (nice tattoo sleeve, that was a really great drunk decision you made… about as good as the one to have unprotected sex), and Michael Sarver (he’s hot and cool, don’t really have anything funny to say), but I think my post hath runneth over. Feel free to leave comments about anyone I missed, lampooned, or went too lightly on. Much love, Idol watchers!