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For the Love of God, Please Go Out of Business!


In this trying economy, many retailers are struggling for sales.  While we should all do our best to spur the economy, these five stores should be left to die (editor: how they are still around is a great mystery).   

In no particular order of ridiculousness:

Brookstone – Ahhh.  The store for you to throw money away on items you will use 1-5 times.  I have to imagine people go in thinking, “Oh wow, this is so clever!  A digital clock that doubles as a back massager and voice recorder!  Oh look!  A calculator that is also a water bottle!”   How Brookstone has not followed its retarded half-brother Sharper Image into bankruptcy is one of life’s mini mysteries.   I mean, not only are the items overpriced, but they’re cheap, and most of all, USELESS!  The only worthy items they sell are massage chairs - but even the massage chair concept comes with two major flaws: 1) the chairs are overpriced and can probably be purchased elsewhere for less and 2) how many people actually purchase the massage chair?  Its only good for massage usage, otherwise, when you sit in the chair, it feels like you are taking a couple knees and an elbow into the back.  Prediction: Brookstone does not make it through the economic downturn.

Skymall Catalog – For those of you who have ever flown on a plane, this is the catalog that is found behind the airline’s in-flight magazine.  Talk about a catalog that sells Brookstone-esque products on a massive scale.  The items sold in this catalog are nothing short of retarded.  Instead of actually describing the absurdities you can purchase (at ridiculously ripoff prices), I thought some visuals with descriptions from the ONLINE SITE would be better for you, the reader:

Branding Irons: For the low price of $80 you can have this gem.

Description: Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef! This 14" stainless steel branding iron has a red lacquered handle with a leather hand strap and features Heatbacker Letters designed to hold heat longer for more impressions before reheating. Specify up to 3 initials (A-Z and the &).

The portable desk: For $40 you can look like the world’s biggest nerd.  With this product you will all but be guaranteed a public beat down for the low price of $40…plus shipping/handling

Description: Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed. 

POOP FREEZE?! HAHAHA…is this the next best thing to the va-poo-rizer?!  Who in their right mind is actually going to take this out with them on a dog walk?   And isn’t this basically compressed air that you can buy at Staples, but twice the price?!


Scrapbooking stores – I have never stepped into one of these stores, but the concept makes me want to shit my own pants.  When I was living in Chicago, there was a scrapbooking store about a block away from me.  I was glad to see that when I was in Chicago last, there was a sign that stated “retail space available”.  SHOCKER!

Hallmark – This also includes stores that sell Hallmark-like products.  Unfortunately for Hallmark stores, their worthiness dissipated when Beanie Babies went out of fad and basically every drug store started to carry cards (not to mention the Internet for e-cards).   I mean, why would you go to a Hallmark store?!  “Oh, honey, look! Hallmark.  Lets go in so I can by a few helium balloons, a floral stationary set and a stuffed animal or two!” 

New York Hot Dog and Coffee – Most of you have never heard of this place, because I believe there is only one and it is next door to where I live.  So let me give you a little 411 on this soon-to-be out of business establishment.  At NYHD&C, the combo meal consists of a Korean hot dog of your choosing, paired with coffee and a frozen yogurt.  I mean, really?!  I think the only other way to acquire swift diarrhea, is the consumption of a disproportionate amount of laxatives. 

And to make matters worse, check out what I found when finding a picture of this waste of space:


And, if you need a lawyer, DO NOT GO HERE:


I'm sure there are plenty of other awful retail establishments.  Feel free to share in the comments section!


John said...

This was a very timely post, because on a recent flight to Denver, while perusing a Skymall magazine, I too came across the aforementioned branding iron and got a good laugh.

My personal favorite though, is the Skymall proclaimed "Greatest Gift." Yes, I'm talking about none other than the VCR-2-PC:

At first glance, it seems like a good idea.... For the "reasonable" price of $189.95, you can transfer your old VHS movies to your PC...but take a closer look...

Yep, that's a VCR from 1983 that someone at Skymall probably found in their basement...And what's that coming out of the back?? Yes, it's a USB cable that you can buy at Radio Shack for probably $10...

And the good people of Skymall have set the fair market value on this revolutionary product at a hair under $200.

My favorite part of the ad is the last line:
"The VCR2PC also works as a standard VHS player."

No f'ing shit!?!? The VCR player also doubles as a VCR?!?!?!?

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