Ridin' the Boob Tube with Poor Man's Caviar

I love TV and have a wealth of knowledge related to the topic.  I'm not sure what this says about me: Adam says it makes me a loser, my own mind says that it makes me a Cultural Historian.  I was reading up on some TV news the other day (yes, I do that) and learned that both Blossom and California Dreams have made it onto DVD.  That’s right, California Dreams, the Saturday morning show about surfers and laugh tracks and whatever else those breed of shows thrived upon.  These DVD releases fueled my desire to do a post on some other ridiculous TV shows that somehow got the green light.   

         Lost – I am definitely going to catch shit from Adam for this, considering he thinks this show is the greatest thing since Kinder Bueno bars (if you don’t know what these are, just cry for yourself).  I watched the show first season and really liked it actually: it was a smart fantasy show that played with our perception of reality and focused on the stories of unknowingly interrelated characters.  I couldn’t wait for the next season.  And then came the smoke monster.  And the hatch.  And the movie reel playing in the hatch that showed how to avert Armageddon by pushing a button.  And the death by spider attack.  And now the time traveling.  I am shocked to my core at how much people love this show.  I am all for pushing boundaries, but sweet lord, Lost fans, do you not realize that the show’s writers and creators are LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT YOU.  

This was really supposed to be a one-or-two season experimental show that turned into a money maker, so they have dragged this shit on, adding one ridiculous twist after another to keep you all in suspense.  My favorite defense of the show is “they (the creators) had a plan all along”.  Oh really?  Sorry guys, they didn't: they had to enter into negotiation every year, contract with the stars, deal with the networks and THEN go back to the writing room and figure out what the hell they were gonna do to keep the ridiculousness going for another season.  Goddamn you, polar bears, you started this all!  

2)      House of Payne­ – I have never seen this show.  I know that makes me totally unqualified to comment.  However, I believe that a show that looks like a less funny version of the Klump people movies just can’t be watchable.  It goes against the laws of nature.  At least throw some fat suits in there and give the people what they really want.

3)      The new 90210 – It pains me to write this, as I loved the original 90210.  The new version is SO unrealistic and nonsensical, that it had to be on the list.  Firstly, as has been noted by many a Hollywood commentator, the girls are so skinny that I’m genuinely surprised that they have the energy to film the show (I won’t get into a whole “it’s totally irresponsible and gross to put 80 pound girls on TV as sex symbols” but you know, it’s true).  Silver, the skinniest of them all with arms like bamboo shoots, is dating the cool black guy (I was going to call him Michael, the [much more awesome] character Tristan Wilds played on The Wire until I realized that’s not his name on this show so he gets to be “cool black guy”).  As far as I'm aware, the syndrome of men being attracted to walking corpses has been strictly limited to the Caucasian population, so this relationship really makes no sense.  Secondly, Jennie Garth is “back” as a school counselor and Tori Spelling (another malnourished, plastic breasted mutant) has returned.  Whoopee, I get to listen to painfully contrived “let’s catch up on old times and try to make our reappearance make sense” dialogue AND be reminded of how little career these ladies had since 1995.  What an uplifter!  And then there’s poor Jessica Walter, who so amazingly played Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development – on this show she relegated to being “crazy grandma”, a second banana to a bunch of moron 16 year olds.  SIGH.  I’m gonna go make a sandwich now… you 90210 cast, take care and good luck with the eating thing… it’s pretty fun once in a while.

4)      Charles In Charge – Ok ok, Scott Baio fans, before you get your panties in a bunch, I actually liked this show.  A lot.  Enough that I was super upset when Charles’ best friend from the show had to go on Celebrity Fit Club and ended up being a total psycho with a violence problem (seriously).  But the show could not be more nonsensical with regard to relationships.  We’re supposed to believe that this strict, uptight military father would hire a super hot, single, lecherous 20-something to “take care” of his 2 super hot blonde 15-16 year olds?  REALLY?  And then we’re also supposed to believe that Charles was able to pull ass CONSTANTLY while living in the basement of a house where he works as a fucking nanny?!   Umm no, Viacom, we’re all stocked up on bullshit here, thanks though. 

5)      Groomer Has It – The show is about grooming dogs.  That’s it.  Really.  A competition for money about who can cut a dachshund’s hair better than someone else.  TV execs are making money off of this.  Dog grooming.  Wow. 

I This is just the first in a two-part blog.  I know you will all be sitting on the edge of your seats for part 2!